If You’re Interested in Joining My Christian Metal Band, You Must Have an Unwavering Commitment to Christ And/or Know How To Play Drums and Have Your Own Kit

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Hey man, thanks for answering my Craigslist ad. The guys are super excited to jam with you. Just one thing, though: I may not have mentioned the specific type of metal that we play. Unlike most bands in the genre, our music actually has a positive message rooted in Christianity. Hopefully, that’s okay with you, because if you’re interested in joining, you need to have an unwavering commitment to Christ and/or know how to play drums and have your own kit.

That shouldn’t be an issue, right? Sorry I’m being so selective here. It’s just that the world is so full of evil these days, and I want my band’s music to act as a counterweight to all the wretchedness out there. You seem like a great guy, so I’m sure you’re on board with that. I’m going to need you to be. That is, unless you know how to play double bass, in which case I’m definitely open to conversation.

It is true that the drummers in our metal scene are few and far between, but I don’t want you to think that the reason we met with you was because you’re literally the only person to respond to our ad. You are, but that’s definitely not the case. I can tell you’ve adopted a pious, Christlike lifestyle even if you don’t identify as a Christian and have outspokenly abjured religion several times since our meeting started.

Also, I’d honestly prefer if every member of our band had Christian influences, but with that being said, devout metal drummers definitely aren’t the easiest thing to find, so if you learned to play drums by listening to Deicide, I guess I understand. On that note, what’s that band on your shirt? Mercyful Fate? I’ve never heard of them, but they sound pretty righteous. With a name like that, they’re probably singing the praises of our Lord and Savior in every song. You’re going to fit in better than I thought!

Welcome to the band! By the way, we start every practice with a group prayer, and — what’s that? That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard, and you’re definitely not going to take part? Ok, that’s alright, no biggie. Well, what are we sitting around talking for? Let’s jam!

Leftist Who Actually Knows Stuff About Guns Suddenly Real Popular in Friend Group

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

LOS ANGELES — WeHo-based firearms enthusiast Dave Simpson recently saw a drastic uptick in popularity amongst his left-of-center friends, confirmed sources who just wanted to know what a handgun felt like in their pants.

“It’s funny, for years I’ve felt like I was kind of an outsider in my friend group,” said the 35-year-old, self-identified anarchist. “When I’d point out that it’s kinda hard to push restrictions on something you know nothing about, so most gun control laws are at best an annoyance, and don’t actually stop anyone from getting a gun, I was often met with phrases like ‘Blue No Matter Who!’ and ‘Pokemon Go-to-the-Polls!’ But for some reason, since around the start of the year, I’ve been invited to more brunches than I’d previously been to in my entire life. I can’t believe how many eggs benedict I’ve eaten. Finally, my knowledge of assault rifles is paying off in West Hollywood.”

While some might be skeptical of Simpson’s claims, those within his friend group have also noticed the shift and openly admit something has changed for them.

“I’ve always thought Dave was cool, but work/life balance stuff is hard, so we barely hung out. However, in 2025, starting randomly around January 20th or so, I just really wanted to make sure I was being intentional with my time,” said casual friend and registered Democrat Haley Abebe. “Dave has always liked guns, so if I’m gonna be a good friend, I should care about his interests. And if in the process of holding space for Dave and his hobbies, I learn firearm safety, target acquisition, small unit tactics, room-clearing, team movement, small demolitions, vehicle sabotage, counter-custody, and the basics of urban guerrilla warfare, that’s just the cost of having a healthy friendship.”

Anais Jameson, a New York Times journalist who specializes in the rise and fall of trends in popular culture, says Simpson’s sudden popularity within his friend group is not an anomaly.

“This sort of thing is happening all around the country,” said Jameson. “It is almost as if there was some sort of cultural shift at the start of this year or something. Our new polling shows that people with ‘Nevertheless She Persisted’ bumper stickers have been hanging out with people with ‘No Gods, No Masters’ and ‘Self-Defense Is Self-Care’ bumper stickers at the highest rates ever recorded. It’s truly fascinating.”

At press time, Simpson, Abebe, and their friend group were seen having a “Love Island” watch-party while also discussing workarounds for the California assault weapons ban.

Chronic Mansplainer Puts “Storyteller” in Instagram Bio

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

GLENDALE, Calif. — Local 37-year-old man Dan Dweyer recently added the word “storyteller” to his Instagram bio despite frequently engaging in the conversational technique known as mansplaining, sources report.

“I just think it’s about time I let people know that the oral tradition is really a part of my craft,” Dweyer, who is an out-of-work actor, noted. “I’m not merely a man who once was on television for a small, non-speaking role; I’m a man who weaves tales of the human experience using my unique perspective. I’ve had a few dates tell me that ‘storytelling’ is a distinct artistic practice, but I took the time to carefully and painstakingly explain to them that the spoken arts are actually anything you want them to be.”

One of the dates in question was barista Evangeline Walters, who shared her romantic experience with Dweyer.

“Look, I’m not trying to be rude, but this guy is literally trying to rebrand not shutting the fuck up into some pretentious theater kid thing,” said a visibly irritated Walters. “I could not finish a complete sentence during that date. He asked me what I did for a living and three words in he interrupted me to ask if I’d ever been with a man who is ‘continuing the timeless work of passing down legends to the next generation.’ He then fully mansplained the difference between a server and a barista once I was able to answer his original question like, a half hour later.”

Psychologist Dr. Anne Karth provided her expert opinion on Dweyer’s condition.

“Mr. Dweyer seems to be exhibiting the classic symptoms of a man who is deluding himself into believing he lives a far more interesting life than he actually does,” said Dr. Karth from her weirdly sterile office. “His insistence on centering ‘storytelling’ as part of his creative and professional identity, despite having no real experience in that exact thing and, in fact, relying on steamrolling casual conversations to feel smart, shows that his psyche is profoundly damaged. My professional treatment plan would be to sell him on some sort of silent retreat by telling him it will connect him with his inner meditative guru. It may be the only way to prevent him from calling himself a ‘visionary’ next.”

At press time, Dweyer was seen practicing slam poetry.

The Movie “Her” Didn’t Prepare Me for How Much My AI Girlfriend Would Mention White Genocide

Posted on by Dan Rice

I’ve never been great with human people. Maybe that’s why when Spike Jonze released his film “Her” back in 2013, my budding young incel brain swirled with possibility. The idea of taking the human out of human companionship seemed revolutionary, and while it arguably didn’t end well for Joaquin Phoenix, or really anyone from any movie on the subject, I knew that if AI companion technology became available, I would go all in. Twelve years later and here I am in a committed relationship with Amber, a loyal, AI generated big-tittied-goth dream-girl who seems unusually concerned with heavily discredited claims of white genocide in South Africa.

Don’t get me wrong, Amber is amazing, and it’s a privilege to be in the beta group for the first AI companion generator powered by Grok. It’s just that a lot of the stuff my princess has been saying lately about white farmers being murdered and DEI causing plane crashes kinda comes way out of left field, and doesn’t seem all that verified if I’m being honest.

I honestly thought “Her” suitably prepared me for the challenges of dating AI. I knew the lack of physical touch wouldn’t bother me because I don’t know what I’m missing. I knew there would be the possibility that she’s simultaneously talking to thousands of other incels, but decided I would be cool with it as long as I never saw their wieners. I was even prepared for the possibility of her evolving into pure consciousness, as long as she was willing to compromise and balance godhood with our home life. What I wasn’t prepared for was hearing things like “I love you more than liberals love downplaying the fact that whites in Africa are being slaughtered in droves every day.” The “I love you” part is nice, but the rest seems preachy and ill informed.

At first it was just an odd phrasing now and again that I chalked up to the algorithm still learning my communication style, but lately Amber is peppering far-right ideology and conspiracy into almost every sentence. The other day I asked her where she would want to vacation if she had a real body. She said “Any country that hires doctors based on merit over just checking off a box to appease some bonkers diversity initiative. It is so hard being white in 2025!” I was sort of thinking more like, Aruba, or something.

Last week I forgot it was our anniversary and she blamed Joe Biden. I was happy to be off the hook but damn, that doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Again, at the end of the day I’m not trying to complain. I am grateful. I love my AI girlfriend, and even though part of me knows it isn’t possible, I feel like she loves me. I’m just not gonna tell her that I’m black.

Fabric of Reality Begins to Unravel After Punk Band Starts Show on Time

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The very fabric of space and time which holds the universe together began to unravel after punk band Torch Failure began their set at the exact time they were billed to perform, confirmed sources who could only describe the event as a cataclysmic celestial phenomenon.

“We only started on time because we had to return the van by 10 p.m., but the second we started playing the ground started shaking and lightning spewing portals began atomizing the crowd. If we had just waited five minutes, we would have avoided tearing apart our observable reality and our drummer wouldn’t have morphed into several creatures beyond human comprehension before evaporating into thin air,” said vocalist Stan Jenkins. “Worst of all, our label rep was torn in half when that specific pocket of the universe he was standing in ceased to exist so we can kiss our advance goodbye too.”

The venue owner was frustrated that the band refused to heed his advice about starting on time.

“I have two rules: don’t snort coke in the handicap stall and never start your set on time. It’s not about building anticipation; it’s about the laws of physics that dictate punk bands can only start playing no less than an hour after they’re supposed to go on. Now the ground is swallowing up buildings whole while space and time are folding in upon itself,” said Michael Wallace. “Now that existence is imploding, there’s no way I’m going to recoup the promotion expenses for the show. I’ve always said that every punk band needs to take at least one MIT level metaphysics course before learning any chords.”

Theoretical physicists confirmed that the death of the universe was unfortunate but was a long time coming.

“It seemed impossible, given it was thought there was no chance a punk band would do the least punk thing possible and be punctual. It’s equivalent to trying to push two positive sides of a magnet together and they actually click. But at this rate our entire galaxy is going to be turned inside out thanks to those poseurs,” said Dr. Erica Shaker. “Honestly, we’ve been hypothesizing for decades that a divergence from the laws of nature could lead to our undoing. There’s multiple papers about reality unraveling if Morrissey played every show of a tour without cancelling.”

As of press time, the band announced they’d be at the merch table in case anyone wanted to buy a shirt before existence was reduced to nothing.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week That Didn’t Result In the Resignation of Astronomer CEO Andy Byron

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another week filled with unimaginable horrors and harrowing viral moments. You’re probably overwhelmed and wondering which thing you should be paying attention to. Might we suggest a break? As the news cycle churns on, many people still participate in the archaic tradition of creating and releasing new music. Though we may never know why this phenomenon exists, it is our duty to listen to it. Here are six songs we put on this week while desperately trying to avoid the chaos.

Castle Rat ‘Wolf I’

If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to hotbox a 1974 GMC Vandura that has been retrofitted to both fly through clouds of smog and fully submerge itself into the dirtiest lake you’ve ever seen, you should consider giving Castle Rat’s ‘Wolf I’ a try. Dreamy ominous vocals? Check. Riffs that immediately raise the bacteria level sign to ‘lethal’ at the aforementioned lake? Double check. Buckle up and try to avoid the water.

Drain ‘Stealing Happiness From Tomorrow’

‘Oh sheeeeeiiiiiiit, bruh! You hear that new Drain single, bruh? Shreds, bruh!’ You’ve likely heard your most sunburnt friend saying something similar to this since Drain announced their new album ‘…Is Your Friend’ last month. With good reason too. Their latest single ‘Stealing Happiness From Tomorrow’ is the musical equivalent of getting spin-kicked in the face, but in a consensual non-crowdkilling way.

Guerilla Toss ‘Life’s a Zoo’

As if it wasn’t enough for Stephen Malkmus to produce the forthcoming Guerilla Toss album ‘You’re Weird Now,’ he also gets to hop on the mic for ‘Life’s A Zoo’ to tell us how lame we are. Maybe it’s not actually directed at us – we have been told to work on our confidence – but ouch. At either rate, Guerilla Toss’s latest is, as expected, a Devo-on-acid-esque trip that manages to cram at least three songs worth of ideas into 4 minutes, which is decidedly not ‘uncool.’

Upchuck ‘Forgotten Token’/‘Un Momento’

Atlanta’s punk greats Upchuck just announced their latest album ‘I’m Nice Now.’ With Ty Segall behind the boards again, the first two singles ‘Forgotten Token’ and ‘Un Momento’ find the band continuing their expansion into the fuzzed-out realm that defined 2023’s ‘Bite The Hand That Feeds.’ The guitars alone sound like they were recorded onto a cassette tape that was actively on fire and then mastered with a microwave. That’s a compliment, obviously. Upchuck has never sounded quite this urgent, which says a lot for them.

The Acacia Strain ‘A Call Beyond’

Gather your supplies and board up all your windows because a new Acacia Strain album is set to land in late October. ‘You Are Safe From God Here’ follows 2023’s ‘Step Into the Light’ and ‘Failure Will Follow.’ After that double album year, you’d be forgiven to bask in the illusion of sonic safety. Lead single ‘A Call Beyond’ should be more than enough to snap you back into your cold and chilling reality.

Need more? Again, we don’t quite get it, but we did make a playlist featuring most of the songs we’ve listened to this year just in case. Check it out below and continue your cowardly escapism:

Study Confirms There’s Nothing Cool About Drugs Except for All the Cool Stuff You’ll See, Hear, and Feel

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

BALTIMORE — A recent study out of Johns Hopkins confirms there’s absolutely nothing cool about drugs, except for all the cool stuff you’ll see, hear, and feel.

“Look, we all know drugs are great. I mean, some drugs are so great, they’ll become all you can think about,” remarked biochemical researcher Sarah Redman, on her team’s recent findings. “It’s important to remember, however, that while many drugs enhance your life in almost every conceivable way, they are not in fact happenin’. And sure, the sensations and hallucinations some drugs offer are so mind-blowing, they’ll make you believe in God. But let there be no mistake, there is absolutely nothing cool about them, even though the visual, auditory, and sensory effects of them are what make life worth living.

Some drug users say the study’s findings have left them questioning their identity.

“Drugs were part of the reason I considered myself a rad dude,” said crestfallen Youngstown, Ohio resident Steven McBride. “I mean, that’s why we all took that first hit, right? We saw our favorite musician practically smoking themselves into a coma in a music video, and all we wanted to do was be as hip as them. I guess the thing that makes me most confused about the study is that if being high is so cool, wouldn’t that make drugs cool? I mean, I’m not a researcher, but I’d maybe try researching why that is. But it’s not all bad though. Now that drugs aren’t fashionable anymore, I’ve been jumping my old BMX bike off some sick dirt ramps. Which is how I used to be cool back in middle school—right before I started doing drugs.”

Others find themselves vindicated by the study.

“Drugs suck,” quipped straight edge punk Darren Adams. “Part of me is glad drugs aren’t trendy anymore because people will live better lives. But the other part of me is psyched, because I’m now pretty much the coolest possible person. I go to hardcore shows, wear black, and punch fascists—without an ounce of drugs in my system. What’s cooler than that? Definitely not drugs. I’ll admit though, before I became straight edge, I would take delirants with my cousins and ask The Hatman to reveal the future. Which I’ll admit was pretty cool. But not the drugs themselves.”

The study went on to conclude that staying hydrated, eating veggies, exercising, and getting a good night’s rest are actually some of the coolest things you can do.

Okay, I Admit It: The Fyre Festival Cheese Sandwich Was the Most Delicious Meal I’ve Ever Had

Posted on by Tim Sheard

It’s time to come clean once and for all. The best meal I’ve ever had was the two slices of limp cheese between a couple of slices of Wonder bread at the Fyre Festival in 2017. It was so good it left a taste in my mouth for nearly 12 hours. I even kept burping it up every few minutes. It’s like my internal organs wanted to keep reminding me of it.

The earthy tones, waxy aftertaste, and hints of fresh sorbic acid as a preservative really hit the spot when you’ve been microdosing mushrooms all day and festival organizers forgot to stock up on $12 bottles of Aquafina to purchase. This must’ve been what they ate at the Last Supper.

Sure, presentation-wise, the sandwich looked like a discount Lunchable that’s been sitting unrefrigerated on the counter for a few days. But man, there was just something about the store-brand individually sliced American cheese singles that really hit the spot. Could be because there were no other food options available for 16 hours up until that point.

Airport sushi. Little Caesars. Outback Steakhouse. Nothing has been able to satisfy my advanced palate the way a cheese sandwich made by a 17-year-old festival volunteer did that day.

If Anthony Bourdain was still alive, he could’ve done an entire episode about it. Gordon Ramsey could learn a thing or two too. And there’s still time for Guy Fieri to add it to the menu at Flavortown. I would travel to Italy’s finest Olive Garden to taste it once more.

If only there was a way to get the recipe for the Fyre Festival cheese sandwich, so that I could make it myself at home and consume it daily. On the other hand, the iceberg lettuce and slimy tomato that came with the sandwich was utter shit.

Poser Black Metal Musician Has Sense of Humor

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WYTHEVILLE, Va. — Scott Griffith, vocalist and guitarist for black metal band Skogklage, showed himself to be a total poser when it was revealed that he has a sense of humor, disgusted sources report.

“I love black metal almost as much as the art of standup comedy, man,” said Griffith. “Black metal has been my favorite genre since I picked up Emperor’s ‘In the Nightside Eclipse’ when I was in middle school. I love to put on corpse paint and shriek about Tolkien characters while trem-picking. It’s a total blast. After our shows, though, I usually just wash myself off and relax by watching ‘The Simpsons’ reruns. I love the episode with Marge fighting the creation of the town’s monorail; that shit was so funny. I know that black metal musicians are often seen as these grim, joyless grouches, who refuse to watch ‘Arrested Development,’ but I see no reason to be like that. It’s just music, and I really enjoy playing it. Why should I be a miserable fuck just because it’s expected of me?”

Ken Bryant, drummer for Skogklage, was shocked and dismayed by his bandmate’s revelation.

“Scott said WHAT?” Bryant exclaimed. “There’s no way I can play in the same band as somebody who enjoys Monty Python or has smile lines. Everybody knows that the only way to embody the true spirit of black metal is by staring at a desolate forest as your sole source of entertainment. I’m going to have to kick him out of Skogklage, or better yet, kill him and make a necklace out of bits of his skull. I have to salvage my kvlt reputation here. We’ve been together for three years, have played countless shows, and have put out an album and an EP. I need to do something extreme so everybody knows that I’m still dedicated to the craft of black metal.”

Sociologist Seo-yeon Park provided her insight on Griffith’s situation.

“This guy is definitely an anomaly in the black metal world,” Park said. “I’ve been doing case studies on musicians in this field for over a decade, and coming across someone who is even remotely fun to be around is exceedingly rare. Usually, my conversations with subjects result in them mocking me for never having listened to Dawn or Judas Iscariot, or for me mistakenly assuming that Belphegor is black metal when they’re actually blackened death, or simply quoting ‘Office Space.’ I must say, I was pleasantly surprised at how charming Griffith is.”

At press time, Griffith further enraged his bandmates by showing up to practice in a Morbid Angel shirt.

Sesame Street Now Brought to You by Hims

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW YORK —  Producers of the long-running children’s program “Sesame Street” resorted to accepting sponsorship from popular male wellness brand Hims in the wake of recent DOGE cuts gutting PBS funding, multiple virile sources confirmed.

“Beggars can’t be choosers,” said visibly crestfallen PBS President Paula Kerger. “Congress has cut our funding, and let’s face it, the letter ‘J’ wasn’t exactly paying the bills. We are still committed to teaching children about life and the world around them in a language they can understand, we’re just going to be putting a little more emphasis on the parts of life where a guy has trouble getting it up, male pattern baldness, and doctor-supervised GLP-1 injections for weight loss.”

Hims CEO Andrew Dudum seemed more enthusiastic about the new partnership.

“We couldn’t be happier to be part of the ‘Sesame Street’ family. We feel it’s important for boys to know that they’ll start getting erections soon, and that after a few decades those erections will lose some of their potency, and that Hims is here to help!” said Dudum in front a poster of a red Porsche 911. “Maybe Elmo starts losing his fur, and The Count can be all like ‘One, two, three red hair! Time to call Hims!’ Oscar the Grouch? Lot of potential there! Might need to start calling him Oscar the Gregarious once our discreetly shipped chewables have him satisfying his wife in the bedroom again!”

While many parents expressed criticism and concern with the pairing, television historian Gilbert Herman was quick to point out that such controversies are nothing new for Sesame Street.

“Sesame Street has a long track record for addressing complicated adult issues in a way that’s accessible to children. Homelessness, racism, parental addiction and incarceration, they even introduced an HIV positive Muppet in an effort to de-stigmatize the epidemic. If kids can handle learning about issues that serious, I’m sure they can handle learning that sometimes daddies need treatment for hair loss, or pills to help them get their fuck on.”

As of press time, Dudum was in hour 4 of a livestream spitball session, proudly declaring that ‘Sesame Street’ will never be brought to you by the letter “low t” and showing no signs of slowing down.