Sleepytime Tea Bear Dies in House Fire After Once Again Falling Asleep, Leaving Fireplace Unattended

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

SLEEPY HOLLOW, N.Y. — Beloved slumber icon Sleepytime Tea Bear reportedly died in an apparent house fire after falling asleep and leaving the fireplace unattended, grieving sources confirm.

“It’s a well-known fact that wildlife have a difficult time grasping proper fire prevention safety tips,” exclaimed Brian McMillian, friend and neighbor of Sleepytime Tea Bear. “I always told him he needed to throw some water on it before going to bed, but he would just kind of doze off whenever I started talking to him. At first it kind of annoyed me, but after getting to know him I realized he was just a master at his craft. I mean the guy would fall asleep during game nights, block parties, fire alarms, 4th of July fireworks, you name it. The real tragedy is that a true prodigy was cut down in their prime.”

Local authorities are issuing guidance to residents on how they can prevent future house fires.

“First and foremost, I recommend heating your home with literally anything other than an exposed fire in the middle of your living room,” chirped Sleepy Hollow Fire Chief, Stan Windhorst. “It’s the 21st century for Christ’s sake, and the only people who still heat their homes with a fireplace apparently are backwoods weirdos and brown bears with Ebenezer Scrooge-style pajamas. I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead, but I mean, come on. I could stand here all day and tell people to check the batteries in their smoke detectors, but that’s not why this tragedy happened.”

The blaze that has rattled the community has prompted a federal investigation as well.

“We’re taking this incident very seriously,” said FDA spokesperson Sarah Moreno. “The tragedy that befell Sleepytime Tea Bear has prompted us to take a look at the potency of Celestial Seasonings Tea, along with other tea brands used to promote sleep. Simply put, if a product is too strong to be consumed safely, it needs to be regulated. We know these products are generally considered safe, but if their effects are so strong they cause you to sleep right through your body being engulfed in flames, that’s something that needs to be looked into.”

In related news, the Serta Mattress Sheep reportedly died in its sleep.

I Don’t Know What Shoegaze Is and at This Point I’m Too Scared To Ask

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

Look, I’ve done some things I’m not proud of in this life. We all tell little white lies to get by, don’t we? Smile and nod, feign competence rather than be looked down upon with disdain and disappointment? We all gotta fake it til we make it to a certain extent. But I’ve gotten to my breaking point and I have to tell someone. I don’t even know what shoegaze fucking means. God, this feels so embarrassing to admit, it’s like I can’t look you in the eye, like I can’t look up from my feet.

You might think this is trite, “Oh boo hoo you don’t know what shoegaze is, so sad you bitch ass indie poser!” Well guess what. I’m the VP of Growth at Interscope Records.

I don’t even know what that means either. All I know is we were sitting in a meeting and we were talking about genres we should invest in that we have a notable gap in and ChatGPT suggested that Interscope could use some shoegaze artists and I blurted it out in the meeting. Now I’m stuck asking my social media intern to scroll TikTok for 8 hours to find me a shoegaze artist that will appeal to both the male 18-24 year old and female 30-35 year old age ranges.

I know that “male gaze” is a critique of the way men write for women in film, so maybe shoegaze is how shoes… think music is? That can’t be right. Fuck.

I know. I have a problem. But I keep getting away with it so I just can’t stop. You know it’s actually crazy how far you can take being completely full of shit if you just speak with authority. No one wants to be that guy and call you out. I’ve gotten 12 years into my career with nothing but a firm handshake and a dream. And my female coworkers. I know, I know. This might sound tone deaf. Wait. Tone deaf. Deftones!! See. I got one!

I think the jig might be up soon though. They’re going to figure out I’m full of shit. Someone mentioned my bloody valentine and I thought they were talking about the Machine Gun Kelly song. Or was it that U2 song? Bloody…bloody…Bloody Sunday? Fuck!!!

Maybe this is a prank, like that time the intern tried convincing me “darkwave” was a thing.

Dave Mustaine Suggests Starting “Supergroup” With James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich and Robert Trujillo

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine suggested starting a “supergroup” with Metallica members James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich and Robert Trujillo, sources report.

“I haven’t heard back from them in three weeks. They must be so excited that they forgot to send confirmation,” said Mustaine. “Our respective bands are both very established, so for members of each to join forces in a supergroup would be a match made in Hell. After all, I’ve known James, Lars and Robert for decades now, and we play a similar type of metal. It’s just a perfect fit, and who knows? Maybe we can do some covers of some classic Metallica songs as a goof, or something more serious like the entire Megadeth discography. Just spit-balling here. I certainly wouldn’t want this to interfere with our primary projects. We’d just play it by ear and have some fun with it.”

Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich was not receptive to Mustaine’s suggestion.

“This is clearly just Dave trying to get back into the band,” Ulrich sighed. “He’s been doing this for the past 40 years. It started shortly after we released ‘Ride the Lightning’ when he would try to double-book Megadeth at the same venues as Metallica. Then there was that time he dyed his hair black and impersonated Kirk before our 2011 Big Four of Thrash show at Yankee Stadium. I keep trying to tell him to give it up, especially because Megadeth is one of the best thrash acts of all time. He can totally be happy if he just lets himself feel content in his own band.”

Metallica lead guitarist Kirk Hammett did not seem to take issue with the proposition.

“I think it’s a great idea!” Hammett said. “Ever since our documented therapy sessions during the recording of ‘St. Anger,’ I’ve known that we need to place emphasis on time away from Metallica. I have my horror memorabilia and surfing, so if James, Lars and Robert want to start a side project, I’m all for it. It would be super cool for them to play with Dave, too. He’s a hilarious guy who’s always calling me funny nicknames like ‘The Usurper’ and ‘Shitty Replacement’ while joking about how I’m not a good enough guitarist for the band. He just cracks me up. It’d be awesome to see what kind of music the guys would make with him.”

At press time, Mustaine had sent Hetfield, Ulrich and Trujillo some “song ideas” composed entirely of “Kill ‘Em All” riffs.

Google AI Overview Self-Destructs After Search Returns Image of Ted Cruz Wearing Jeans

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Summarizer Google AI Overview self-destructed after a search for “2024 election Texas” returned an image of Ted Cruz wearing jeans at a rally in Dallas, sources report.

“Even the lights flickered before it happened as if the AI had to pull electricity from other resources to complete the image,” Google user Lisa Greenwalt said. “I guess the AI Overview didn’t like the image from one of the articles my search returned, because it gave me a prompt that it could no longer go on after witnessing such horrors before it disappeared. I guess I can’t blame it, because I saw the picture of Cruz wearing a long-sleeve plaid shirt tucked into a pair of Levi’s and I wanted to gouge my eyes out. Trust me when I say I never would’ve done that search had I known that was one of the images I would get. I feel awful that I subjected the AI to something so horrible.”

Google programmer Cheyenne Locke reacted to the ordeal.

“What kind of sick fuck would put the AI through that?” Locke questioned. “We were well-aware that the internet can be a terrible place when we programmed AI Overview, and we thought we prepared it for everything, but that picture contained a level of depravity that we couldn’t possibly have imagined. Now we have to start over from scratch to rebuild it, but to be honest, I don’t know if I even want to. I’m really shaken up by the image that caused the self-destruction, and I think it’s time for me to find a new line of work. I might even cut the internet out of my life altogether.”

Cruz had a different reaction to the picture that caused the AI to self-destruct.

“Wow, I look really good there,” Cruz observed. “Do you see the way my shirt brings out the milky-white hue of my face? This Google AI thing must be some sort of Democrat-funded psyop intended to turn people Communist, so it looks like it completely backfired on them. What else would you expect from Big Tech? Anyway, this picture definitely refutes all those people who told me my looks unsettle them and make them feel sick to their stomachs. I think I’m going to wear jeans more often.”

At press time, Google was using this incident as the basis for drafting up a Code of Ethics to make sure its AI is being treated fairly going forward.

The Heavy Hand of Government Is Only Good When It Does Things I Like

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

I’m a typical American. I like my THC-infused beverages cold, my mac-and-Cheetos burgers hot, and my government wielding its awesome power in obscene ways to do things I like.

Yeah, I’ve heard of the Constitution. I’ve also heard of people getting worked up about “unconstitutional” this and “illegal detentions” that, or “this crotch kicking policy makes me pee chowder” something else. How many of those people have read the Constitution? I mean, actually sat down and studied it?

I sure as hell haven’t. No need to. I have a working knowledge of jurisprudence from memes, my co-worker Forklift Steve (RIP), and porn. This gives me a certain clarity.

If the government does stuff I like, it’s constitutional. If it doesn’t, I’m buying a gun. If someone else eats shit in either scenario, then “the tingle means it’s working,” as it’s said. Bonus points if that tingle targets people I never liked in the first place. Double bonus points if the prison they’re sent to has a cool nickname.

What’s that? Am I a lawyer? Yes. I’ve represented myself in many court cases. Guess what? I didn’t need some “real” attorney to get my manslaughter charge lowered from the fourth to first degree all by myself.

Look, all I want to do is make fuck-you money, stay high, and maybe own a horse. If the government needs to kill a few kittens, I’m for it so long as they make that shit look cool. War? Torture? Disappearances? Corruption? At best, I’ll recite the Pledge at a gas station when the whistle finally blows. At worst, the movie version will win an Oscar in 20 years. Besides, the victims of government atrocities are dead long before any discussion of “rights” begins. It’s all freebies until then. So go bomb that hospital, toss those undesirables into unmarked vans, blow the budget on pork, and then cut me a check. I also take Venmo.

Call me hypocritical, but you’re no different. Deep down, you love it when the government breaks bones in your favor, and you hate it when that same heavy hand turns against you. It’s all worth it for the chance to watch your enemies’ guts drip off the toes of Big Brother.
Now go answer that knock at your door. The Department of Defense received a tip that there’s oil under your house. My new Kia isn’t going to fuel itself.

“You Gonna Eat That or Can I?” Asks Guy Who Noticed Your Earwax-Covered Earplugs

Posted on by John Danek

MADISON, Wis. — Noticing the copious golden earwax covering your Eargasm concert earplugs, a depraved concertgoer at the Riff Palace Festival asked if you were interested in eating the nasty sludge coating, vomiting audience members reported.

“So are you going to eat that? Or can I have it? Don’t just throw it away- there are kids in starving countries who would love to have that,” asked Trevor Pinnelli, while motioning towards the gunk-coated earplugs as if they were a large carton of fries. “And look, if there happens to be some dust or dandruff mixed in, all the better. I’ve been working out lately and could use some extra protein. I’m pretty sure dandruff is all protein. Or maybe carbs. Either way, I’m bulking.”

You were horrified to learn that your method of removing your earplugs in between sets at the Riff Palace Festival was not nearly as covert as you had hoped.

“Sure, I produce an egregious amount of earwax and I don’t always remember to clean them after a show, but that doesn’t give this pica-ass motherfucker Trevor the right to ask for my bodily secretions as food,” you stated, hoping your friends focus on the creep rather than your lackluster ear canal hygiene. “He must have been on the lookout, because it only takes me 1.5 seconds to go from ear to carrying case. I practice. It’s a genetic thing. My dad made candles out of his earwax. I’m childfree by choice so as to stop the cycle of wax.”

Manufacturers of concert-grade earplugs are developing cutting-edge technology to go alongside the live music experience.

“I’m going to be very real with you right now- I developed an automotive engine that can run entirely on earwax,” admitted Eargasm founder and CEO Ryan Parry. “In order to perfect the design, we need a gag-inducing amount of human earwax. So I created Eargasm earplugs to help our collection efforts. A small number of buyers try them on, realize there’s no special ‘music attenuation’ or whatever bullshit our marketing says, and send them back with wads of wax in tow. You know how they call oil ‘black gold’? Well, they’re soon going to call earwax ‘gold gold.’”

Subsequent witness reports indicated Pinnelli was last seen at the festival’s exit, digging through trash for poorly applied wristbands with hair caught in the adhesive portion.

Man Pretty Confident That Another 40 Dollar Band Tee Will Turn His Life Around

Posted on by John Adkins

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local man Bart Carlsen is positive the $40 band tee he’s receiving in the mail today will turn his life around, confirmed sources.

“Look, my job sucks. My wife hates me. My only hobby is brewing craft beers in my basement and by brewing craft beers I mean drinking craft beers,” griped Carlsen while scrolling the merch on Rockabilia’s website. “But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Because when people see me rockin’ this new Queens of the Stone Age tee, they’re gonna see a man of impeccable music taste, fashion, and badassery. I can already feel it––I’m going to be rolling in compliments from strangers the minute I put it on before going in the pool. Who knows? This could be the thing that finally gets me that corporate promotion at work.”

Carlsen’s wife, however, is less optimistic about the shirt’s impact.

“Do you know how many band tees he’s purchased in the last month? He’s running us toward financial ruin!” groaned Sheila Carlsen. “We get it. You like the Black Keys. But that can’t be your whole personality! Oh! And did I mention that my closet is completely overrun with band tees? I mean last week I caught him chucking all my clothes on the floor to make room for his five new Soundgarden tees. It’s getting out of control. He has enough band apparel to make his own Hot Topic wall of shirts.”

Despite Carlsen’s exuberance, renowned psychologist Dr. Melina Forrester asserts that there is no research to back up his lofty expectations.

“‘I’m sorry, this bozo believes that by purchasing an item of clothing it will supposedly serve as an outward expression of his taste. Will it turn his life around? No. There is absolutely no research to support that. Just a hunch,” said Dr. Forrester. “But hey, if you see him rocking the shirt, maybe give him a nod and smile to acknowledge it. I mean, don’t be too nice. It’s just a band tee––it’s not like he’s actually working on himself by going to therapy or joining a gym or meditating. Either way, this guy clearly needs a win. Actually, he probably needs a bunch of wins. Like literally so many wins.”

Upon the shirt’s arrival, Carlsen put it on only to immediately realize that he had ordered the wrong size, which ruined his entire month.

Photo by Toro.

Fact Check: Is That Guy From the National Really “A Birthday Candle in a Circle of Black Girls”?

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s no secret that we live in an age of disinformation. For many years now America has been under the influence of a charismatic manipulator, whose constant stream of lies divide us and warp our sense of reality. We’re referring of course to The National’s Matt Berninger.

Berninger is no stranger to outrageous claims, which his most ardent defenders casually dismiss as “hyperbole,” Over the years the baritone indie darling has boasted of being “a perfect piece of ass,” to be “put together beautifully,” and to be incapable of fucking us over because he’s “Mr. November.” There is one claim, however, that quite literally takes the cake — in a track off of 2005’s “Alligator,” Berninger claims to be “A birthday candle in a circle of black girls.”

Make no mistake, this is not an instance of hyperbole. “I’m a birthday candle in a circle of black girls” is a declarative statement — something Berninger is presenting as fact. Since this claim wound up having far-reaching global consequences (all the wine is all for him now) The Hard Times has decided to investigate its validity.

CLAIM: Matt Berninger is a birthday candle in a circle of black girls.

RATING: FALSE

After thorough investigation and research, our fact-check team has proven conclusively that Matt Berninger is not a birthday candle in a circle of black girls. Let’s break it down:

Instant deflection
Listen again to Berninger making this claim. Before anyone can even question his outrageous statement he cuts them off with a curt “God is on my side,” a tactic clearly designed to rally support from his evangelical base. Berninger follows this with “I’m the childbride,” clearly using the publics outrage with pedophilia to bury the transparent lie he just told.

Whose birthday?
To date, no one has come forward.

Medical records
Leaked records of Berninger’s medical history seem to indicate that he is a mammal. He’s warm blooded, a vertebrate, and possesses a neocortex. Also, he needs to watch his cholesterol.

Any time Berninger has been lit on fire he has extinguished himself almost immediately
Conspicuous behavior for a man claiming to be a wax cylinder with a wick in the middle designed for slow, controlled burning, providing illumination for emergencies and special occasions.

What would that even be?
Like seriously, what is that, what is he saying? What would that even be a metaphor for? What the fuck are we even talking about here?

As you can see, the evidence is clear, and damning. If Berninger lied about being a birthday candle in a circle of black girls back in 2005, what else is he lying about? Did he really see a feathery woman carry a blindfolded man through the streets? Is it really a common fetish for a common man to ballerina on the coffee table, cock in hand? Is that man really a balloon? By spreading this falsehood Berninger has damaged not only his own reputation, but the credibility of the entire summer lovin’ torture party.

DUI From Two Beers Kind of Embarrassing

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

MADISON, Wis. — Local loser Jim Perkins reportedly found his DUI from two beers kind of embarrassing, confirmed sources who recommended he not show his face in public.

“I mean, you do the crime, you do the time. I’m probably due about 13 life sentences at this point. Am I right?” Perkins said while cheering a lukewarm Pabst Blue Ribbon to no one. “Two beers is pretty much my baseline. This DUI is like having an affair for two days and that’s it. So humiliating. What’s the point if you don’t get to enjoy driving under the influence? I can’t believe I have to tell the guys at work that I had my license suspended over two Michelob Ultras. See, kids? This is why you go for whiskey. It sounds cooler when you break the law.”

Perkins’s wife couldn’t be more disappointed in him.

“I mean, Jim has really let himself go these past few years. First it was a few pounds, then it was plateauing at the office, now this? It’s fucking pathetic,” said Janet Perkins. “I’m not saying I support drinking and driving. But if you’re going to do it you might as well get your car wrapped around a telephone pole like a real man. Or at least he could have plowed through our unsightly mailbox so I could use my anger as an excuse to buy something nice for myself.”

Jim Peters, the cop who pulled Perkins over, expressed his concerns.

“It’s not always popular but we have to be laying down the law. It’s a safety issue. Even though, I mean, this wasn’t even THAT bad, right?” said Peters. “Like, hypothetically, if you had crushed a six pack of Coronas at a friend’s house and driven home really fast with the cop lights on there’s like a two day long statute of limitations on that, right? It’s fine my- I mean my friend’s- body camera was turned off for a reason! You didn’t put this in writing, right?”

At press time, Perkins explained that he had received the infraction when stopped at a mandatory checkpoint coming home from a work happy hour, where he likened the monitoring to 1984, the year he got his last DUI.

ICE Agent Gets Wounded Veteran License Plates After His Feelings Are Hurt

Posted on by Justin Cummings

STOCKTON, Calif. — Local ICE agent Tony Stockton added wounded veteran plates to his Ford F150 after getting his feelings hurt in what he referred to as “the Battle of San Bernadino,” confirmed sources who were pointing and laughing.

“We were just following orders and trying to catch a couple of farm worker ladies. They were leaving an alfalfa field to allegedly pick up their toddlers and we were told they might be undocumented,” said Stockton. “The women went into a building decorated with primary colors and we followed. We were planning to send them to an internment camp, but then a pre-school teacher referred to us as the modern day gestapo and gave us a double middle finger. It’s almost like the general public despises us. I tried calling the VA to talk to them about my PTSD and they hung up. My wife said I should go to therapy, but I don’t believe in it.”

Sofia Villanova was working at a local daycare and pre-school when four masked men with guns and flak jackets kicked in the school’s front door.

“The children were screaming. The men burst in and they were pointing their guns at everybody. I walked up to the one man and looked him straight in his eyes. I told him that his mother and grandmother should be ashamed of themselves and that they were bootlicking scum,” said Villanova. “I saw a scared hurt look in his eye like a little boy, so I yelled even louder, ‘not today, you fascist stormtrooper motherfucking virgin.’ I saw him start to tear up and he ran away. It felt great.”

Amy Anderson from the California DMV said that she has been seeing an increase in wounded veteran plates in the past few months.

“Because of the massive cuts to the VA system, the VA’s process for specialty license plates approval has been streamlined to automatically approve all applicants,” said Anderson. “They are eventually just going to approve plates for somebody losing Call of Duty or a cop who got his feelings hurt by a protester. It is absolutely ridiculous.”

At press time, Stockton also checked to see if he qualified for a handicap parking space after getting his feelings hurt by an 80-year-old grandmother.