Every The Vines Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

It’s kind of perfect that Sydney, Australia’s The Vines formed in 1994 in the wake of grunge’s popularity, and then released their nostalgically fuzzily aggressive and hippy-ish garage-esque ‘60s inspired musically diverse debut LP “Highly Evolved” eight years later to happy ears and a more inferior music outlet’s magazine cover. Also, and we will not so happily die on this cross, the band had SOME fanfare, but not nearly enough to raise the band to the heights of two other “the” bands around that time known as The White Stripes and The Strokes, or overall sustainability, at least stateside. Anyway, we’re finding it harder to believe that we’re gentlemen at this point, or how hard it is to explain, and it truly offends us in every way. So read on, friends, and dive into the band’s six other full-length albums that you missed that aren’t called “Highly Evolved”.

7. Melodia (2008)

Rankings are a tough racket, one album had to be listed in the brown stinker spot in this piece, and The Vines’ fourth album “Melodia.” Maybe we’d dig this full-length studio release more, and we must mention on record that we still do enjoy every album from The Vines, if it went with its original title, “Braindead,” but that also possibly is as false as the night. An interesting thing to mention is that the record often sounds ADD in that only one song, “True as the Night” is longer than three minutes, and that twelve out of the album’s fourteen songs are under two minutes and thirty seconds, and four are even under two minutes.

Play it again: “He’s a Rocker”
Skip it: “A Girl I Knew”

6. Vision Valley (2006)

After two perfect by any stretch of your lack of imagination back to back LPs, The Vines found themselves in a difficult position for album number three, and released “Vision Valley,” which, again, like all The Vines records, is good, but unlike its predecessors, just isn’t great. A parable that we ascribe to is that good is the enemy of great, and even if you don’t agree. Also, a band in 2024 could NEVER have a song called “Futuretarded,” or they would be canceled and there would be online discussions about who can and can’t use that word. Today vocalist and chief songwriter Craig Nicholls is the only consistent member of The Vines, and “Vision Valley” started the leaving member trend with bassist Patrick Matthews exiting shortly before this one.

Play it again: “Don’t Listen to the Radio”
Skip it: “Futuretarded” for obvious reasons

5. In Miracle Land (2018)

The band’s newest and seventh full-length studio album, “In Miracle Land” is not only NOT The Vines’ lowest ranked LP here, but it is also not in the second lowest slot, proving that what is new isn’t necessarily that bad. Surprise surprise with a newly mended heart? Yessir and yesmadam! Basically, we just LOVE the sound, and hate is a strong word but we really, really, really don’t like you. Also, “In Miracle Land” is the first to be mentioned that is somewhere between good and great, proving that this band not only is capable of creating works with a lot of killer and little filler. Why the title track is the only single here plagues our brain, as the record should have had at least two others, but that’s just showbiz! In closing, this album cover would be delightful as framed wall art for your overpriced studio apartment.

Play it again: “Sky Gazer”
Skip it: “Annie Jane”

4. Future Primitive (2011)

Missing the medal position by just a smidge, “Future Primitive” is still a more than solid release front to back, and was expertly and pristinely recorded by The Bumblebeez’ Chris Calonna, whose band you may not have heard of, but is quite successful down unda. If you have, we apologize for said blunder and promise to do it again soon. Anyway, especially considering that this is the band’s fifth LP, “Future Primitive” showcased that the band’s past dictated their future, and said future is the antithesis of primitive, and quite, wait for it, wait for it, (highly) evolved. In a badass move, the band was unsigned prior to 2011, self funded this badass release, and ultimately signed with Sony Music Australia, who ultimately released “Future Primitive”. So read on for something wicked, winning, and evolved.

Play it again: “Gimme Love”
Skip it: “Outro”

3. Wicked Nature (2014)

You may not be able to recall any song from this record off the top of your metallic ladybug noggin, and anything you say proves it, but, like many songs in the modern age, you likely may have listened to some tracks passively on various hard/alt-rock DSP curated playlists. Well, still many Australians in fact do recall many tunes from this 2014 effort, and the Thunder Down Under Aussie fans likely account for the majority of the publicly viewed successful streams from “Wicked Nature,” and not Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game.” It is worth mentioning that shockingly to domestic diehards and casual fans, out of the top ten listed popular tracks from The Vines, FIVE, yes five, are from “Wicked Nature”. The band certainly had faith in this record as well, certainly their best since 2004, as it was released under their own label, the appropriately named Wicked Nature Music.

Play it again: “Green Utopia”
Skip it: “Good Enough”

2. Winning Days (2004)

One of the more underrated Capitol Records LPs, at least from this century, “Winning Days,” is a proper sequel in that it truly sounds more expensive and certainly huger than its incredible predecessor, whilst not reinventing the wheels in too many ways that it successfully rode towards success the first time. Sadly, another way that it is a sophomore record is that its sales waned in comparison to and respect to the band’s debut full-length album. Fun fact: This record’s catchy opening track and second single “Ride” was featured in an Apple commercial in the mid-aughts. Fun opinion: Maybe this tune should have been the first single, as the label opted for the album’s closer “F.T.W.” instead, which stands for what you think it does and couldn’t be a hit because of its moniker. In closing, this album and the next mention have no “skip it” tracks.

Play it again: Protein
Skip it: Vegetables

1. Highly Evolved (2002)

The word “the” was used in 2002 before a plural noun in a band name almost as many times as George W. Bush avoided doing anything presidential whilst he golfed eighteen holes or more with Dick Cheney. “Highly Evolved” is a perfect record and certainly one of the more underrated aughts rock efforts, that’s for sure! Despite going platinum in their native Australia and gold in the U S and A, we rarely hear this band or album name checked in the concrete jungle one-millionth as much as we should, and that doesn’t make us come in, come in, come in. Producer Rob Schnapf, whose last name likely gets mispronounced often, killed it here, much like he did for Saves the Day’s “In Reverie” and several Elliott Smith LPs.

Play it again: The whole megillah
Skip it: Yeah, don’t

Punk Dog Park All Opossums

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

CANTON, Conn. — A local canine owner was stunned to see that his neighborhood’s dog park was completely overrun by opossums owned by dedicated members of the punk community, nervous sources confirmed while Googling “rabies how get.”

“I mean, no exaggeration, there were like two dozen opossums just scurrying around this park, cheered on by their bizarre masters. It was unnerving. I had to keep my lab-mix Fletcher on a short leash just because I didn’t trust anything about my surroundings. And, I’m talking about the freaks hanging out who apparently owned these pests, as well,” said new-to-the-area Seth Cupertino. “I swear at least a few of them were rabid… Again, I mean the owners, not necessarily the opossums. Oh, and speaking of! Don’t call those things just ‘possums’ either. Hoo boy, the owners hate that. I guess those are only in Australia or something? Either way, creepy if you ask me. ”

Local installation artist and devout opossum owner Parveth “Pinner” Harkwell expressed his affinity for the non-traditional pet.

“They make great companions, especially if you don’t want lots of other humans around bothering you,” said a relaxed Harkwell, as one of his three blue-ribbon eating opossums nestled into his lap. “When some argue that me and my friends ‘took over’ the dog park with our pets, I simply extend a hand and say their dogs are welcome to play with my ‘Opie’ or his sister ‘Hiss America.’ Just don’t be put off if they start roughhousing a little bit. Snarling and skittering around and generally unsettling everyone around them to the point of disgust is just how they play. Isn’t it, boy? Isn’t it? Aw…”

Local PetCo employee Sheila Grebin states that the prevalence of the marsupial led to a complete store overhaul.

“Oh, corporate came in and added a whole wing dedicated to the opossum owners in the area. Yeah, got rid of all the bird stuff to make way for it, too, so my apologies to any parakeet owners in the Farmington Valley area,” said Grebin, as she dumped the morning shift trash can out into the opossum aisle. “I don’t mind stocking the products, I just wish more of our customers would purchase the grooming items. We’re backed up on opossum shampoo and conditioner, and when they bring in the little guys to sniff around, man, do they seem to need some help with hygiene. But, I guess, it’s like the old saying goes: ‘like owner, like pet,’ y’know?”

At press time, Cupertino was seen frantically searching for his dog, after witnessing five opossums dabbing the side of their mouths and belching.

Help! We Tried To Nab Some Easy Nineties Nostalgia Clicks by Interviewing Stephen Gammell and He Trapped Us Inside One of His Drawings

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, so this one’s at least partially on us. We’ve admittedly been slacking off here at the Hard Times, and the deadlines have been creeping up. We needed clicks FAST, and we figured we’d just revert to some nineties nostalgia, which is always a surefire way to get the job done. So we contacted every goth millennial’s artistic hero Stephen Gammell for an interview, and he invited us out to his house. Piece of cake, right?

Wrong. We should’ve known something was up when we were making the three-day trek through the Minnesota forest to reach his home. Our compass kept spinning wildly out of control and we would awaken to strange little stick figures propped up outside our tents. Nevertheless, we finally reached his dilapidated shack and prepared to begin our interview.
We had been expecting him to be eccentric, but we certainly had not been anticipating him uttering an ancient incantation while lightly touching each of us on the forehead with his pencil. All of a sudden, we were enveloped in a cloud of suffocating, black smoke while a booming voice cackled in our ears. Once the smoke cleared, we found that we were no longer in Stephen’s shack, but inside the haunted graveyard drawing that had been displayed on the easel behind him!

Now here we are: trapped in this horrifically bleak and clearly haunted graveyard, presumably for eternity. Worse yet, the shrouded specter of a weeping woman is perpetually wandering amongst the headstones. We’re not sure if she’ll cause us any harm upon seeing us, but holy fucking shit we don’t want to find out.

The arch at the entrance of the graveyard bears an inscription describing the “amulet of desolation which slumbers everlasting within the folds of the dark sorcerer’s robes,” which we think might be our ticket out? The only problem is, the graves aren’t marked, so we have no idea which belongs to the sorcerer. We’ve been scrambling to dig up each grave (with our HANDS, no less, because of course that asshole Gammell couldn’t have been bothered to draw us a fucking shovel), only to be forced to stop and hide in the shadows every time the weeping woman circles through.

So if you’re reading this, we’d appreciate it if you called the police on Stephen Gammell, because we’re pretty sure whatever he did wasn’t legal. At the very least, could you contact our editors to let them know we need another deadline extension? Again, we fully admit that our laziness led to this predicament, but an eternity of confinement in this nightmarish hellscape because we were too lazy to write an article about Vampire Weekend seems like an inordinately harsh punishment.

Guy Fleeing From Pack of Escaped Gorillas Regrets Wearing Velvet Underground Shirt to Zoo Today

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

SAN DIEGO — A frenzied man was pursued by an entire cage of gorillas after they took too strong a liking to his shirt festooned with the recognizable banana-based cover art of “The Velvet Underground and Nico,” sources also hauling ass confirmed.

“You think you put on a Velvet Underground shirt and you’re not ruffling any feathers, y’know? But, I guess feathers isn’t the thing I’m worried about, it’s fur…and the skin of my own hide if I don’t run fast enough,” said Rupert Comers, while rounding a corner at a full sprint. “I’ll tell you something else, this particular Sunday morning isn’t like the ‘Sunday Morning’ on the album at all. Ol’ Lou forgot to put some lyrics in about running for your damn life to get away from the pack of hungry zoo animals who think you’re a giant piece of fruit. Buddy, it’s not the ‘world’ behind me, it’s potentially rabid gorillas! Oh, but he got the ‘restless feeling’ part dead on, I can confirm.”

Original Velvet Underground drummer Moe Tucker confirmed that the band had a long and tumultuous history when it came to primate aggression.

“A lot of writers over the years have used ‘primal’ to describe our sound, but it more described our merch table, what with all the apes and chimpanzees from surrounding exotic animal compounds who would flock to it,” said Tucker, whose sunglasses did nothing to hide the fear in her eyes. “It was probably why so few people initially bought our first album…because they didn’t want to get bitten by the orangutan trying to eat it. That old saying is true: every person that did buy that album went on to get attacked by a gorilla themselves. Uh, at least I think that’s how the saying goes. I’ll be honest, we hid it well, but we actually did an awful lot of drugs over the years.”

Noted primatologist Dr. Jane Goodall expounded on her experience with the Velvet Underground’s music during her time in Gombe.

“It took my 30 years of research to confirm it, but it’s true: primates love bananas. And some will do unspeakable things in order to get one. So, when I lived among the chimpanzees, we had to be sure to only listen to ‘White Light/White Heat’ or ‘Loaded.’ The self-titled, good as an album as it is, was out of the question for exactly those reasons,” said Goodall, flanked by her formidable record collection that no one knew she even had. “Oh, but we’d never listen to ‘Squeeze’…fuck that one, of course. I’m not committing that kind of animal abuse.”

At press time, matters were made even worse when Comers finally removed the shirt, revealing an entirely unhelpful tattoo of “a bunch of bamboo shoots with ants on them” on his back.

Band That Switches Instruments Accidentally All End Up on Same Bass After Wrong Turn

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

SPARKS, Nev. — Members of longtime garage-punk outfit The Gargantuans, known for switching instruments between songs, ruined a show by all landing on the same bass at the same time, a gawking gaggle of looky-loos confirmed.

“I guess we all must have looked at the setlist wrong, because once our opening song ended, we all took a wrong turn and ended up behind the bass. Now we’re in a big mangled mess under the same strap. It’s like, what’s the point of even going over the hand turn-signals at practice if we’re not going to use them in a potential collision like this?” asked Gargantuans member Trig Lippley while continually shoving another member’s elbow out of his mouth. “Hell, everyone laughed at me when I voted for us all to wear horns attached to our clothes to honk in case of emergencies like this one, but I’m looking pretty smart now. Plus, I’ve always believed that a good handful of our songs could use a good ‘ah-ooh-gah’ every now and then, anyhow. It’d be a win-win!”

Onlookers in the crowd couldn’t help but rubberneck towards the accident.

“It was actually pretty inspiring to see them all eventually come to terms with their mistake, and put aside their egos to make the situation work as a cohesive unit. One guy handled the frets, another plucked the strings,” mused newly minted Gargantuans fan Hedy Freidl. “And, as if by magic, the other two respectively took over the dazed look of a perpetually lost dullard and valid feeling of extreme imposter syndrome that every full-time bassist needs. They all knew their stuff, and used it to Frankenstein together the ultra-bassist.”

The venue traffic cop, Sargent Murray Hankland, decided to resign after failing to arrive at the scene in a timely manner.

“I’ve been the stage traffic official here at the Loving Cup for twelve years, and I can’t believe I was so asleep at the wheel, so to speak, for this infraction. This is the type of thing we venue traffic cops, which I feel I must mention is an actual job at all music venues, have nightmares about,” griped Hankland while handing in his gun and badge to an overwhelmingly confused bartender. “If only I hadn’t been too busy busting that tall guy in the audience for their illegal merge in front of a 4′ 11″ woman in the crowd, I could have prevented this whole thing. Well, I guess it’s back to the actual highway for me. ”

At press time, the mishap culminated in all four Gargantuans members reaching down to sip from the same beer and clonking their heads together with a humorous coconut-like sound.

Photo by Magna Vita. 

The Next Stephen King? I Got Really High and Don’t Remember Writing This Shit

Posted on by Sidney Conant

Stephen King’s legacy as a horror visionary is as far-reaching as it is undeniable, but it should be fair to say that he, like all of us, harbors a bag of bones in the closet. There was a time in his career when his addictions got the better of him and he ended up creating works that he can’t recall putting to paper. Is it possible that there exists a dumber, yet equally attractive author out there ready to dethrone the King? I got zonked out of my gourd last week and typed up my own book, but I don’t remember writing a word of this nonsense.

I honestly don’t know how it happened. One minute my lard-ass was sitting in front of a bag of frozen tater tots that I figured I could just warm up in my mouth, and cradling a martini made with some uppers and stuff that I scored off a buddy of mine. The next minute I was lying face-down in front of the printer, splayed out like I’d been hit by a minivan on the shoulder of Route 5, gradually becoming buried under a sea of paper and ink that I sure as hell am way too unemployed to replenish.

I somehow wrote a horror story when I was high on that green mile, typing away at the cool ranch Doritos-stained Bluetooth keyboard connected to my phone. And honestly? Reading what came out of the labyrinthian hedge maze of my mind terrified me, but, you know, in like a manly way. Not because it was scary or anything, but because it’s frightening just how much it fucking sucks.

Seriously, this thing is an incomprehensible mess of names and timelines, and even though it’s over 1,000 pages long, the ending still feels rushed. Also, tell me the truth: how many characters would you say are allowed to be writers in one story? Because I’m counting 17, and even though nine of them are women, they’re written only to be sex objects–and not even hot ones.

I could only make it to the part where I introduced the villain 50 pages in before I had to give up entirely. Honestly, a cobbler whose shoes compel people to walk onto active railways? Please. No one’ll be quaking in their boots over that.

I wish I could tuck this all away into a mental lockbox, but unfortunately, that’s impossible. Apparently, I already posted this garbage to Reddit, and people are obsessed with it; I keep getting DMs asking me things like, “What’s the deal with the 17-author cage match?” or, “SEQUEL WHEN?!”

Shit, I guess we’ll never know now, because I’m sober for good.

Kamala Harris Leans Into Cool Aunt Image by Promising Junior Staffers Can Drink Beers in White House Basement

Posted on by Trevor Graham

WASHINGTON — Presumptive Democratic nominee Kamala Harris attempted to boost her perception as a “cool aunt” by announcing that if elected she will let junior staff members drink beers in the basement of the White House, sources who like to party confirmed.

“I realize there is a perception with some young voters that since I was a prosecuting attorney I’m very strict, but if elected this November you’ll see I’m not a typical president, I’m like a cool government official who lets their junior staff members drink Bud Light Lime in the basement of the White House,” said Harris while recording a TikTok dance. “Look, junior staffers are going to drink, I get it. But if they drink here at least I know where they are and that they’re not out getting invited to Matt Gaetz’s office.”

While current staff members appreciate the idea, many claim that it was not really necessary to hide their drinking around President Biden.

“Yeah, at first we would sneak a few brews in an empty office or even just behind his back but as time went on he didn’t even seem to notice when we would pound one down right in front of him,” explained current staffer Kyle Durban. “It became a game to see who could get the most shitfaced in front of him. One time Brayden dared me to get Biden his morning coffee while we funneled a sixer standing right in front of him and all he said was ‘You boys seem thirsty. Why don’t you go down to the soda pop shop and get yourself a malted’ then he threw a nickel at us.”

Republican strategist James Lockland says Harris making this announcement is a desperate attempt to make her seem cooler than Trump.

“Kamala is flailing in the polls and has no real policy agenda so she is attempting to win young voters just by being the younger and cooler candidate. She wants us to think she will let her junior staff members drink in the White House while they’re working but with Trump those staffers won’t even need to do any work,” said Lockland. “As with his first term, nothing will really get done in the White House and junior staff members won’t have much to do other than cleaning ketchup stains from the Oval Office carpet and changing out the air fresheners.”

At press time, Harris had made an announcement that she just ordered an air hockey table and “one of those arcade machines that plays ‘Galaga’ and ‘Ms. Pac Man.’”

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Panicking About Our Costco Membership Hustle

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week, another slew of new music you couldn’t be bothered to seek out on your own. We get it, with tens upon tens of songs being released each week, it can feel overwhelming to decide which ones deserve your attention. Not to worry. We’ve taken on the herculean task of hand picking a selection of new songs to kickstart your appetite. Eat up and don’t come back for seconds until you’ve finished your plate.

Marcloid & Woods Law Group ‘Peter & Angel like the music they made for you to listen to, & hope you do too’

Marcloid & Woods Law Group – the project of Angel Marcloid of Fire Toolz, and our very own Peter Woods – is here to settle the case of you not listening to nearly enough noise music. The judge is unlikely to rule in your case given the severity of your crime, but there’s still time for you to change your ways. While we can’t predict the final verdict, we can still sentence you to at least five spins of the head cleansing sonic barrage that is the duo’s debut ‘…Loves Itself.’

Destroy Boys ft. Mannequin Pussy & Scowl ‘You Hear Yes’

Someone’s apparently been going through our notebook labeled ‘TOP SECRET SUPERGROUP IDEAS: DON’T READ’ because Destroy Boys has teamed up with Mannequin Pussy & Scowl to unleash the rager ‘You Hear Yes.’ As if this track wasn’t exciting enough on its own merit, Destroy Boys have also released their fourth album ‘Funeral Soundtrack #4’ in its entirety. Don’t say we never helped you with your weekend plans.

Bright Eyes ‘Rainbow Pass ft. Alex Orange Drink’

Conor Oberst is clearly back in his folk-punk bag with the latest Bright Eyes single ‘Rainbow Pass.’ Featuring Alex Orange Drink from the So So Glos, the track leans a bit fuzzier than we’ve been used to hearing from Oberst as of late. In fact, it’s only a distorted vocal and a few BPMs away from a Desaparacidos, which translates to ‘sick as fuck.’ Here’s hoping the band committed to the bit when the new album drops next month.

Adrianne Lenker ‘Once A Bunch’

Earlier this year, Big Thief’s Adrianne Lenker released her devastatingly amazing solo venture ‘Bright Future.’ As if we needed a reminder of how prolific Lenker is, she has dropped a new B-Side from that record ‘Once A Bunch.’ It’s a woozy dose of Americana that wouldn’t sound out of place at a drunken campfire. History shows this isn’t the only gem left on the cutting room floor, so we won’t be surprised if she suddenly drops, like, four more albums next month.

Cursive ‘Imposturing’

Very soon, Cursive will be dropping what seems to be an excellent new entry into their discography, ‘Devourer.’ On the latest single for said album, ‘Imposturing,’ lead singer Tim Kasher invites you to imagine a world in which your deepest fears and anxieties manifest themselves into some sort of monster. This shouldn’t be hard to do considering your very public breakdown at karaoke last week, but at least you have a new song to sing now.

Motion City Soundtrack ‘Stop Talking’

Crack open an NA beer and plan on staying up until 10 PM tonight because Motion City Soundtrack is back, baybeeeeee! The band has released their first song in nearly a decade, and they haven’t skipped a beat. ‘Stop Talking’ delivers the pristine power-pop long-time fans have come to know and love from the quintet and if you thought age might have tamed frontman Justin Pierre’s penchant for neurotic and vulnerable lyricism, think again.

What? Six songs aren’t enough? Of course not, you greedy bastard. We figured you might be the ungrateful type, so we’ve put these and a whole bunch of other songs in a convenient and constantly updated playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

10 Amazon Finds That Won’t Replace The Polly Pocket Airplane You Wanted As A Child, But Might Numb The Pain For A While

Posted on by Violet Meeker

I want to preface this by letting you know it actively pains me to address the topic of the original Polly Pocket Airplane. It was sleek, posh, and if I could circle it in a magazine at this very moment I would. To be honest, I could dwell on the subject for pages – but that’s not fun and/or punk, and I think someone at some point said that listicles do better than other formats because our attention span is so short. I’ve also heard that Amazon will soon own the world, so might as well lean into the end right? I’m already walking around with a hole the size of a doll’s plane in my heart.

1. Starting things off strong: This slightly too wide Cillian Murphy pillow. Versatile, sexy, eerie – the three musts for anything that goes on my couch. Now that I’m an adult, nobody can tell me what I can and can’t have. Besides, it’s not even that expensive. My parents made it seem like buying the Polly Pocket airplane was going to put us in a hole we may never get out of. Which, in retrospect, it being 2008 there was probably a lot of truth to that.

2. What’s better than real shrimp? Fake shrimp, because you can trick people with it. You know what can’t trick me? A knockoff Polly Pocket airplane. You can’t imitate a perfect design. My parents tried getting me a cheaper “Peggy Pantleg” Playset, but it a piece of crap and I think the plastic made me sick.

3. Who doesn’t need an all seeing lemon? Name me one person who doesn’t need an all seeing lemon and a Polly Pocket airplane? If American lawmakers actually served the people they would make it a law that every child should get a Polly Pocket airplane, it’s what this country needs.

4. Like all dolls in the 2000s, Polly Pockets had a very specific scent. I haven’t smelled this, but I have the feeling a blueberry muffin fabric deodorizer is the perfect match to knock me out of despair and back into a sweet (?) nostalgia.

5. If you’re reading this article I can confidently say you chewed on Polly Pocket shoes. I know this about you, don’t even try to deny it. The below product is the closest thing I could find, but I’ll be honest – they don’t look nearly as soft, chewy, or carcinogenic.

6. If you submitted to the truth of the last product, then I think I can confidently say you are a current chain smoker. The pipeline is real! Get some storage for those cartons you make your cousins from Georgia send you! You already are bereft of the one thing you want, so keep your vice fresh.

7. I don’t think this needs any explanation. Just set it up in a prominent place in your apartment and watch all your friends turn green with envy, but don’t tell them where you got it or else they will buy their own.

8. I know I’ve built up some tension from the jealousy I had towards my childhood BFF who did have the Polly Pocket airplane. So, I wanted to throw in a little something that might ease the tension – One of these torture machines to stretch your neck off your head. This also might by an auto erotic asphyxiation device in disguise.

9. Oh, you’ve read this far? Seek help. I’ve personally read the whole entire first page at least seven times and can’t keep going. But it sits on my desk reminding me that I will never find peace in this frantic world.

10. Don’t get too excited. In fact, chill out. This is similar, but it’s not the original. I know it says the “Polly Pocket Store” but although some products may seem consistent, the entire line actually shuttered in 2012 after their huge boom died down. Then, 11 years later, Mattel re-released a Polly Pocket line with some minor but significant alterations in the look of the doll and its accessories. Small edits to the body and face, making her look a little more like a Bratz Doll, as well as making the airplane white with pink trim instead of the classic orange with pink trim. Why these changes to an already perfectly built machine? I don’t know. Why would I know that? I’m a full grown woman-person who has a normal relationship to her childhood.

Liberal Puzzled Why 8 Years of Saying Trump Has Small Hands Didn’t Stop Fascist Takeover

Posted on by Tim Graham

TIVERTON, R.I. — Local dental hygienist Barbara McCall is bewildered why her years-long campaign of criticizing Donald Trump on Facebook for his comically tiny hands has had little apparent effect in stopping the rise of fascism in the US, according to sources from her book club.

“I don’t get it,” said McCall as she placed a new ‘Lock Him Up’ bumper sticker on her Yaris. “Since 2016 I’ve regularly posted really barbed jabs aimed at Trump’s appearance, as well as those picture-with-words thingies showing him looking like a clown or with a Hitler mustache. But it seems like my efforts haven’t done much to slow his rise to power. I’ve slung some real zingers, too, like Mango Mussolini, Orange Julius Caesar and Tannibal Lecter. Nothing seems to work!”

McCall’s daughter Jane says her mom’s incessant attempts at Trump jokes have taken a toll on her own mental health.

“I practically die of embarrassment every time my mom posts some cliched insult or low-effort Boomer meme about Trump,” said the younger McCall while peeking at Facebook between her fingers. “I can’t delete Facebook—it breaks my mom’s heart if I don’t ‘like’ every one of her posts. So, I hold my nose and do it. I’ve suggested ways she and her friends could have an actual impact, from joining me at a pro-Palestine rally to helping register new voters, but they all have excuses why they can’t do anything more than share played-out Trump jokes from their phones.”

Dwayne Cochrane, a comedian who specializes in roasts, has some advice for suburban liberals who attempt insult-humor.

“An effective insult needs to be based on a kernel of truth,” said Cochrane. “You can say Trump has small hands, but his hands are actually pretty normal in size. You’ve got to base your jokes on reality, but take care not to resort to low-hanging fruit. Don’t make fun of his fucked up hair or spray tan—that’s been done to death. Instead, focus on how he wants to have sex with his own daughter, or how his wife hates him, or lean into his rapidly deteriorating cognitive ability. If you insist on body-shaming, go ahead and work with that big ol’ dumper of his. There’s plenty of real shit to make fun of.”

At press time, McCall had begun posting AI-generated images of Kamala Harris in heroic poses, a development described by her daughter as not an improvement, but a “lateral move.”