GHENT, N.Y. — Beloved family Golden Retriever, Pretzel, was sent to an expansive 80-acre upstate farm earlier this week where she was summarily executed via…
ANAHEIM, Calif. — Yesterday’s funeral for beloved ska frontman Bruce Becker was strangely positive despite the somber occasion, due to several self-described “rude boys” dancing…
LOS ANGELES –– Local man Eric Dunklin secretly hopes his Tinder date Melissa Chavez doesn’t notice he lied about being Glenn Danzig on his dating…
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Those invited to celebrate the marriage of punk drummer Scotty Corless and slaughterhouse foreman Anna “Slander” Dietrich are reportedly not bothering to…
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Local man and alleged former drug addict Kyle Drury is “weirdly braggy” about the apparently darkest, most terrifying experience of his life…
LOS ANGELES — CBS executives announced today the return of “2 Broke Girls” as an OnlyFans exclusive, following the success of previous reboots like “Young…
LEXINGTON, S.C. — Forest Hills Middle School sixth grader Brynn Ruark effortlessly secured the title of “coolest kid in school” yesterday after showing up to…
CHESAPEAKE, Va. — A local dog was left anxiety-ridden and unable to finish his pile of vomit yesterday after being abandoned at home by his…
CAMDEN, N.J. — A green Bic lighter still hasn’t given up hope that it will one day no longer be absentmindedly pocketed by stoners and…
BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Experts warned today that listening to the hit Mountain Goats song “This Year” is no longer enough to motivate Americans to get…
SALT LAKE CITY — Barista and local punk Miranda Byers is celebrating her additional shift at Baxter’s Garden today with a splurge purchase of the…
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local depressed woman Jane Lively mindlessly broke the hot dog-eating world record yesterday after consuming 76 weiners in her darkened, unkempt living…
PITTSFORD, Vt. — 28-year-old Alex Solorzano is now in his seventh week of blaming social distancing for his sexual inactivity, despite several years of sexual…
SAN DIEGO — Thanks to the slowdown in day-to-day police activity, local officer Scott Martinson is now committing abuses of power against members of his…
GILROY, Calif. — 13-year-old Matthew Staller’s social standing has not improved at all since his middle school closed down last month, the seventh-grader quietly reported…