CHICAGO — Local man Nicholas Braun completely rearranged his vinyl record collection in order to achieve optimal impressiveness for his upcoming date with Alison Prenwich,…
NEW YORK — Masked poser Cecilia Munoz was relieved she didn’t have to pretend to know the words at a recent Turnstile show last Thursday…
TOMS RIVER, N.J. — Middle-schooler Gavin Dirnt caught up on the beloved HBO series “The Sopranos” by watching his Italian friend’s parents fight over the…
OMAHA, Neb. — Local straight edge man Hal Pemulis was arrested and booked into Douglas County Department of Corrections after kicking his fathers ass for…
BOSTON — A local straight edge man battling cancer admitted his biggest regret in life was how infrequently he knocked alcoholic drinks out of unsuspecting…
BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local drummer Ethan Chambers was buzzing with excitement last night just before unveiling his new drum solo, specifically intended for soundcheck and…
LODI, N.J. — Angsty third grader Billy Monroe reportedly caused a stir among Halloween revelers when he questioned the identity of a local mall Danzig…
NEW YORK — An animatronic werewolf located in Leona’s Halloween Store known as Harold is reportedly tired of playing things safe and has recently become…
PITTSBURGH — A local bouncer at the popular nightclub Shotbar manned his post last night with the adamant mindset to keep the COVID-19 Delta Variant…
EUGENE, Ore. — Local actuary Kelly Freeman reported that her recent breakup from noise musician Floyd Harrell has “completely ruined” the genre for her, but…
BILLINGS, Mont. — Childless freak by choice Shelby Van Camp recognized yesterday that the silver lining to the colossal shitshow that is life right now…
WILMINGTON, Del. — Chivalrous show-goer and all-around class act Dustin Delgado assisted a crying woman at a show last Thursday by offering her the wad…
NICASIO, Calif. — Longtime Star Wars fan Jon Eaton was charged with trespassing on Skywalker Ranch, allegedly hoping to ask George Lucas if the seven-and-a-half-foot-tall…
RIDGEWOOD, N.Y. — Local creep Lance Weems narrowly squeezed past two women at a limited capacity venue last night despite having plenty of walking room…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — A limited-capacity show yesterday evening drew a crowd twice as large as local band Jolly Bean Chili Greens has ever seen in…