TUCSON, Ariz. — 30-year-old Joann Kim suffered a three-day hangover after walking by the liquor aisle at her local grocery store, solemn sources confirmed. “I…
Let’s be real — age is just a number. What’s great is that it can be any number you want, depending on how much responsibility…
Prepare to have your faith in humanity restored! When neighbors found out that 87-year-old Sacramento resident Robert Manzana needed help to pay for his insulin,…
ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local punk Shannon Kildare adheres to a unique, and potentially damaging, meal regimen of a granola bar and three beers before attending…
TOKYO — Trash stacking Olympian for Team USA, and resented roommate, Erica Forman qualified for the Tokyo 2020 finals of Stacking Trash On Top of…
LANCASTER, Pa. — Longtime “Jackass” fan and father of three, Kyle McGarvin, believes he is finally mature enough to recreate some of the show’s most…
WESTBURY, N.Y. — Multiple despondent mourners confirmed that local punk “Fast” Eddie Gwan recently saved thousands if not more in expensive preventative care by simply…
MADISON, Wis. — An audience at a local coffee house performance art event this past weekend was disappointed when the headliner, Indigo Starr, was unable…
ASTORIA, Ore. — Beginner survivalist Ethan Foster quickly forgot which of the two bodily wastes was sterile, piss or shit, while traversing his first expedition,…
PHILADELPHIA — Shiko Dikaoni fell to pieces after glimpsing their reflection in the mirror in the middle of the night when getting up to pee…
What the hell are you talking about?! My self-care cannot be self-harm. That would be impossible. Nobody cares more about me than me. Look, you…
SEATTLE — Overambitious elder millennial Janine Angler was released from the hospital yesterday and is expected to make a full recovery after standing at the…
MIAMI — First time nude beach goer Simon Lowell made fellow nudists uncomfortable with his obvious anxiety surrounding what to do with his hands and…
SEATTLE — Local homebody Jenny Wellmeyer experienced generalized anxiety due to the overwhelming pressure to go do something outside while the weather was absolutely gorgeous,…
Umm, actually, no, you can’t kick me out of this Wawa. My doctor said I can be in here. This note right here makes me…