ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local punk Shannon Kildare adheres to a unique, and potentially damaging, meal regimen of a granola bar and three beers before attending shows or doing general tasks, skeptical sources confirmed.
“All the macros are here. You got your complex carbs plus ample hydration from the beer, and then your protein and all that other stuff from the granola bar. There’s like 12 types of seeds in these bars: flaxseeds, sunflower seeds, chia seeds. This is the same shit that makes birds fly. Of course they’re hearty enough to fuel me through a few songs in the pit,” Kildare explained while trying not to doze off. “I have people trying to tell me that I’m ‘malnourished’ and that ‘my blood will stop clotting’ if I don’t start eating better. But I think they are just jealous that I found an efficient system of nourishment.”
Kildare’s roommate Jose Hingham shed some additional light on her everyday routine.
“First of all, I’ve never seen her have so much as a drop of water. She gargles with creme de menthe because she thinks mouthwash is just minty alcohol anyway,” said Hingham while grinding up vitamins to put in his roommate’s beer. “Her entire understanding of what constitutes a meal is completely fucked. Once she made ‘brunch’ for the house but it was just a pitcher of vodka with some hot sauce in it and a box of expired Pop Tarts. I’m concerned if she keeps up this kind of diet that her bones are going to turn to powder next time she tries to stage dive.”
Certified dietician Diane Zhang reviewed Kildare’s diet as part of a study of unsustainable eating habits.
“I’ve seen a lot of restrictive, ludicrous diets in my profession, but this is one of the worst. Not only is a majority of the calories from this ‘meal’ made of alcohol, but the particular brand of granola bar she’s been eating is actually 80% sugar and 20% fat. It has no nutritional value whatsoever,” Zhang lamented. “And I don’t know how many times I have to say this: beer is a dehydrating substance. Just because the beer you drink has the consistency of water, that does not make it a viable substitute. You absolutely should not be doing physical activity on this snack/alcohol combination.”
At time of publication, a clearly intoxicated Kildare was seen explaining to a convenience store clerk that the pack of gum and Red Bull she was purchasing was her dessert.