GLENSIDE, Pa. — Pennsylvania senate candidate John Fetterman vows to support universal healthcare for scene veterans, old heads, and all the real motherfuckers in the…
If you’ve been around the block as much as I have, you know you can’t hardly trust anyone about anything. You have to ignore all…
NEW YORK — Undecided voter Tom O’Reilly is still not sure if any of his top candidates in the city’s upcoming mayoral election are the…
WASHINGTON — Prominent conservatives nationwide are beginning to inquire if they are still morally obligated to listen to Ariel Pink after the artist was spotted…
PRIDE ROCK — Dozens of hyenas still loyal to Scar attempted and ultimately failed to retake Pride Rock in a deadly coup following the defeat…
WASHINGTON — DC-based tour guide Christopher Hollis is currently attempting to quell an insurrection at the Capitol Building in order to provide interesting details about…
SACRAMENTO — The citizens of California overwhelmingly voted this month to ban acoustic guitarists from rhythmically slapping the low E string every second and fourth…
Fuck Joe Biden. Plain and simple. Who does that commie bastard think he is trying to raise taxes on blue-collar workers like me? Sure, I…
WASHINGTON — After initially claiming he was going to hold out until more exclusive next-gen titles became available, President Donald Trump has reversed his claim…
In my entire life, I have never breathed a sigh of relief quite like the one I enjoyed when I found out that the era…
PHILADELPHIA — Local band The Shit Kickers condemned their second place prize and disputed the accuracy of the applause-o-meter today at Battle of the Bands…
JASPER, Ark. — Local militia member Lance Hagan accidentally ate the three years’ worth of emergency rations while anxiously watching the election results, according to…
PENNSYLVANIA — Gamer consultants have advised the Trump and Biden campaigns that it’s pointless to spam votes in low-effect areas like California and Kentucky, when…
WASHINGTON — Local gamer Stephen Nelson exhaustedly told friends Wednesday night that he is done with participating in the antiquated two-console system forced on him…
WASHINGTON — Sitting President Donald Trump approached the highest court in the United States to demand that votes stop being counted, including an extra request…