SACRAMENTO — The citizens of California overwhelmingly voted this month to ban acoustic guitarists from rhythmically slapping the low E string every second and fourth…
Fuck Joe Biden. Plain and simple. Who does that commie bastard think he is trying to raise taxes on blue-collar workers like me? Sure, I…
WASHINGTON — After initially claiming he was going to hold out until more exclusive next-gen titles became available, President Donald Trump has reversed his claim…
In my entire life, I have never breathed a sigh of relief quite like the one I enjoyed when I found out that the era…
PHILADELPHIA — Local band The Shit Kickers condemned their second place prize and disputed the accuracy of the applause-o-meter today at Battle of the Bands…
JASPER, Ark. — Local militia member Lance Hagan accidentally ate the three years’ worth of emergency rations while anxiously watching the election results, according to…
PENNSYLVANIA — Gamer consultants have advised the Trump and Biden campaigns that it’s pointless to spam votes in low-effect areas like California and Kentucky, when…
WASHINGTON — Local gamer Stephen Nelson exhaustedly told friends Wednesday night that he is done with participating in the antiquated two-console system forced on him…
WASHINGTON — Sitting President Donald Trump approached the highest court in the United States to demand that votes stop being counted, including an extra request…
TOLEDO, Ohio — The Observer-Gazette, a so-called “legitimate” local newspaper that has “allegedly won multiple prestigious awards,” failed to even do the bare minimum of…
The election result has been just as big of a surprise to me as it has to everyone else I’m sure. But still, I just…
SEWARD, Neb. — A far-right militia completely failed in their mission to remain vigilant on election day after the entire group became hopelessly lost in…
ABINGTON, Mass. — A local man’s chances of talking to his parents in a civil manner once again is too early to call as a…
CHICAGO — A poll of citizens leaving a nondescript brick building today gave no new information on which to gauge election results, but instead revealed…