DUBLIN — A local moron obviously blind to his own idiocy stood around last night with a brand-new Gildan shirt wadded up in his clammy…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local adventurer Melissa Carter will leave her base camp by the big water jug on the bar later this evening to go…
PEORIA, Ill. — Local guitarist Matt Carlton asked his Sweetwater sales rep today to be in his wedding as his best man in a truly…
NEW YORK — Columbia Records announced on Friday they will be teaming up with Banana Republic to press Vampire Weekend’s new Father of the Bride…
ATLANTA — Local drummer Drew Mooney plans to sit around and just go fuck himself for the next few weeks as other members of his…
TRENTON, N.J. — Local hardcore band Open Sesame debuted a unique and unprecedented combination of tunings at their inaugural show last night, witnesses who lamented…
It is a historical fact that Andrew Jackson was a shit-eating bag of limp dicks and prolapsed buttholes. As a punk publication, the Hard Times…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local woman and online shopper Darla Castro is reconsidering her lack of children after a search for her favorite band’s shirt yielded only…
BOSTON — Philosophy major Patrick Cartelli returned yesterday from three months studying abroad in London with several new mannerisms, including an insistence on spelling “poser”…
At first glance, the names Cyrus and Jeff might not mean anything to you. They’re a couple of guys who’ve known each other since grade…
NANUET, N.Y. — Local new, potential best friends Mark Hughes and Brady Walker confirmed that they shared the most beautiful moment of their respective lives…
SAN DIEGO — Aspiring Reddit user and avowed Blink-182 fan Stuart Brennan was flabbergasted Saturday evening as he attempted to create an account for the…
WASHINGTON — An increasing number of Americans are relying on monetized Youtube covers of Toto’s “Africa” to make ends meet despite record-low unemployment and unprecedented…
CINCINNATI — Local music enthusiast David Grabow keeps a sleeve of CDs in his car on his driver’s side sun-visor “just in case,” despite having…
LANCASTER, Pa. — Lt. Dale Sherman was reportedly “completely bummed” to be on surveillance detail last weekend at the annual DIY, folk-punk Crust Fest, bemused…