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Woman Embarks on Treacherous Solo Expedition to Front of Stage

SAN FRANCISCO — Local adventurer Melissa Carter will leave her base camp by the big water jug on the bar later this evening to go on a harrowing, solo expedition through a sold-out crowd in hopes of making it to the front of the stage, concerned sources confirmed.

“I know Melissa is very experienced in this field, but she’s never done a trip by herself — normally, she goes with a team so everyone can help find the best path between groups of dudes that refuse to budge an inch to let someone squeeze by,” said longtime friend Pedro Alvarez. “I’m praying I don’t get an S.O.S. text from her that she ended up by the emergency exit. All will be lost.”

Carter was cautiously optimistic about finding the front of the venue.

“Of course I’m nervous. There are always so many risks involved on treks like this — I could have beer spilled on me, I could take an elbow to the face, or even worse, I could lose a shoe,” said Carter. “But the potential reward of standing there, right in front of the band, with the full weight of the pit crushing me against the stage is worth it.”

Crowd navigation experts have long warned that solo trips are incredibly dangerous, and oftentimes disappointing.

“I have always been firmly against this stunt: even if you do make it to the front, you don’t have any of your friends near you to enjoy it with,” said longtime showgoer Eric Lin. “Over the years, I’ve held jackets for many friends who tried to make it to the front of the stage and just never came back. You say goodbye, you tell them to have fun… and you don’t even realize it’ll be the last time you see them.”

Carter plans to begin her journey as soon as the co-headlining band finishes their set, in hopes the crowd thins out to use the bathroom or refresh their drinks.

As of press time, no one has heard from Carter.

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