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Drummer of Band Going on Acoustic Tour Guesses He’ll Just Go Fuck Himself

ATLANTA — Local drummer Drew Mooney plans to sit around and just go fuck himself for the next few weeks as other members of his band embark on an acoustic tour, confirmed several close friends.

“I thought I was going to be spending my summer playing shows and traveling the country with the boys,” said Mooney, the longtime drummer of pop-punk band Super Cobra. “But instead, now it looks like I get to stay home and choose between watching the grass grow and fucking a hole in the ground. Don’t mind me, guys — I’ll just be the idiot working at Sbarro all summer after all.”

Members of Super Cobra announced last month an acoustic tour exclusively playing their seminal album On A Clear Day in its entirety — which many critics believe is an attempt to reconnect with their waning fanbase.

For his part, Mooney was sympathetic.

“Look, I get it,” said Mooney. “No one has liked a song we wrote in years. I’m among them! But, still… maybe shoot me a text or something before I read on Twitter that I have the next three months to stand around and pull my pud. I mean, I already found a sub-leaser for fuck’s sake. So here I am with my cock in my hand, trying to give them their money back.”

Super Cobra bassist Randy Stafford claimed he’d gladly switch places if given the opportunity.

“Shit, I thought I’d get to take this tour off once they decided to go acoustic,” said Stafford. “Frankly, when our songs get stripped down to their bare essentials, my basslines become even more inconsequential and uninspired. But, no — I have to go along to do backing vocals and help with merch. Drew is one lucky fucker.”

At press time, Mooney was still in his darkened bedroom, where he intends to watch every video uploaded to Pornhub within the last four years.

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