NORWALK, Conn. — Local punk and low-ranking member of his friend group Brandon Smith is reportedly completely unaware of his status in the hierarchical structure…
HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. — Self-described “emo kid” and 40-year-old elementary school teacher Tucker Grating reminded his class today that when spelling certain words, it’s helpful to…
OAKLAND, Calif. — Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong awakened from a sleep-filled September to the unbelievable news that President Donald Trump and First Lady…
LONDON — The British-born glam rock guitarist who goes by the name “Scazz Slaughter” has almost definitely got “some dumbass ‘Downton Abbey’-ish” real name like…
CLEVELAND — Moderators for 2020’s first Presidential debate reportedly added a question regarding an issue that’s been hotly contested since the early/mid-2000s: What defines “real”…
COSTA MESA, Calif. — Slightly tipsy local mom Candace Webber keeps dropping not-so-subtle hints that she fucked The Offspring singer Dexter Holland in the ‘90s,…
HARRISBURG, Pa. — Those invited to celebrate the marriage of punk drummer Scotty Corless and slaughterhouse foreman Anna “Slander” Dietrich are reportedly not bothering to…
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local distro owner Andy Klein assured you today that the Pelican “Australasia” record on limited edition orange vinyl you ordered from him…
ATHENS, Ga. — Punk and new health insurance policy holder Nolan Nowickski is reportedly “going a bit overboard” with the amount of stick-and-poke tattoos he’s…
Guy with Pavement Lyrics on Tinder Profile Looking for Obscure but Critically Acclaimed Relationship
CHICAGO — Local Pavement fan Nathan Matthews added Pavement lyrics to his Tinder profile yesterday, hoping to attract a woman with the same exact hyper-specific…