You need quality assurance from your HVAC repairman. That’s why it’s imperative that you, the consumer, know for a fact that your HVAC guy is…
CHICAGO 一 Local woman and record collector Sara Yousefi feels extremely relieved and happy that a random man has decided to gatekeep nu-metal, groaning sources…
HELL — Local metalhead Duane Hovey came to a shocking discovery after a tragic gravity bong explosion that the dark lord himself prefers the sounds…
MESA, Ariz. — Local metal fan and staunch supporter of personality responsibility, Damon Rogalski was visibly annoyed when he was forced to show his vaccination…
DETROIT — Local metalhead, 36-year-old Denny Brokum, is reportedly willing to admit that he hasn’t heard of the band Scatological Wasteland but is confident that…
CHARLESTON, W.Va. — Local man and lead singer of popular metal band, A Fistful of Fetuses, thought it a good idea to consult his company’s…
BEIJING — Norway added another gold medal in the 2022 Winter Olympic Games when their team of Black Metal musicians dominated the Standing Around in…
YORBA LINDA, Calif. — Sony Music Group announced the acquisition of all recorded works and songwriting property of metalcore outfit Atreyu in a staggering deal…
HOUSTON — Local death metal outfit Baby Skullcrusher announced via social media that they are changing their name to Goatopsy after years of playing under…
OKLAHOMA CITY — Your horny aunt Gladys created an air of tension after expressing a deep and carnal interest in your Type O Negative shirt…
NEW YORK — Local unemployed man George Costanza attempted to impress colleagues by pretending to be a member of metalcore band Architects while out to…
SAN RAFAEL, Calif. — Metallica lead guitarist and wah pedal enthusiast Kirk Hammett couldn’t remember if he is supposed to go to James Hetfield’s mansion…
So many great albums came out this year, and while you definitely meant to listen to them all, did you? What do you think?! You…
Metal is all about precision. The meticulousness of a face-melting solo, the accuracy of a complex repeated riff. The exactness of a relentless blast beat.…
LOS ANGELES — Film director and Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst put an end to years of debate by issuing a statement clarifying that the…