TAMPA, Fla. — Ronnie “The Neck” Garefino, the virtuoso guitarist for the speed metal band Fisting Frankenstein, is admittedly “totally clueless” when it comes to…
Jean Jacket Doubling As Winter Coat, Tripling As Personality
CHICAGO — Local metalhead Seth Drury’s insistence on wearing a well-worn jean jacket as his primary source of warmth and personality during the current Arctic…
DENVER — Local Weezer fan Andy Chaplin ate mosquitos, lampreys and other parasites off of local Pantera fan Chad Stern’s back yesterday in exchange for…
I used to be one of those metal kids who thought it was cool to piss off your parents by blasting ungodly music at even…
Man Has Spine Removed To Bend Over Backward Defending Marilyn Manson
HUNTINGTON, N.Y — Part-time barista and avid Marilyn Manson fan, Scuff Leeway underwent an invasive spine removal surgery in an effort to reach batshit arguments…
New Pantera Box Set Just a Coors Light 24-Pack
GOLDEN, Colo. — Legendary metal band Pantera announced today a collaboration with Coors Brewing Company to bring their fans a new box set in the…
LOS ANGELES — Local Boy Scout Matthew Bolz allegedly did not realize that the old woman he aided across the street yesterday was actually heavy…
DIY promotion and hustle will make or break you as a local artist. If your band isn’t pounding the pavement figuratively and literally, why are…
KINGS PARK, N.Y. — 41-year-old Pantera megafan Ray “Nickelbag” Shipley is still enrolled in 11th grade at Kings Park High School, as well as nightly…
BALTIMORE — Local thrash metal band Gynosphinx reportedly spent close to $500 to soundproof their practice space last week out of respect for their neighbors…
DENVER — Julian Rodriguez, guitarist of Black Sabbath tribute act Supernauts, fought back tears this morning as he purchased a Ryobi circular saw with his…
BROOKLYN — Local stoner metalhead Graham Wyatt overslept this morning after a night of drinking and weed smoking, which caused him to run a “‘Dopesmoker’…
Shy Metalhead Building Up Courage to Ask Cute Girl If She Can Name Every Member of Bathory
ATHENS, Ga. — Bashful metal enthusiast Ross Bromberg attempted to muster up the strength yesterday to speak with a woman he believed to be both…
Man Bitten by Drunken Rattlesnake Magically Learns Every Pantera Riff
ARLINGTON, Texas — Local dishwasher Dale Bennett was suddenly imbued with the ability to play every Pantera riff yesterday after he was bit on the…
BALTIMORE — Local audio engineer Pat “Filth” Filtrenzo realized yesterday that his “pay by the hour” business model was deeply flawed after multiple grindcore bands…