OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local straight edge 22-year-old Niki Mishtia once again proved that he is perfectly capable of acting like a moron without using alcohol…
SEATTLE — Local homebody Jenny Wellmeyer experienced generalized anxiety due to the overwhelming pressure to go do something outside while the weather was absolutely gorgeous,…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A new study by Harvard University confirmed the best way to secure work is to remind the person interviewing you that your…
WILMINGTON, Del. — Chivalrous show-goer and all-around class act Dustin Delgado assisted a crying woman at a show last Thursday by offering her the wad…
PITTSBURGH — Local woman Stephanie Commita’s relationship of seven years is reportedly “teetering on the brink of complete collapse” following a recent amateur tarot card…
NEW YORK — Local Amazon employee Jeff Baxter developed a plan to finally use the bathroom at work after reading Jeff Bezos will soon be…
ROSWELL, N.M. — Local bachelor Ian Rael felt optimistic about his first Hinge date with Emily Backovich, an event that she will need to unpack…
YONKERS, N.Y. — Darnell Hudgens, recently paroled from Westchester County Correctional for marijuana distribution, is reportedly encountering challenges obtaining a job in the legal weed…
LOS ANGELES — The lone mic stand at music venue The Kick Drum in eastern Los Angeles “fucking blows” and won’t stop drooping down seconds…
SAN FRANCISCO — Christine Walker’s longest-running relationship is with a travel guide to Kyoto that’s been open as a browser tab on her laptop for…
WASHINGTON — Harold Fortner, a lobbyist for a major petroleum company, reportedly received a targeted ad on his Facebook account for a politician he had…
CHICAGO — Local diner Bill Frakes reportedly walked into a recently reopened Golden Corral restaurant and whispered “beast mode” while staring at the rows of…
MONTREAL — An alarming new study revealed that body dysmorphia diagnoses skyrocketed just hours after clothing manufacturer Gildan released a highly maligned intimate apparel collection.…
HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. — Fans of hardcore and nu-metal announced a peace agreement after finding common ground in their mutual love for seminal post-hardcore band Glassjaw,…
COLUMBIA, S.C. — The bottom half of a pair of Zildjian “Goon Rock” hi-hats owned by local drummer Felix Hevierre expressed a desire to have…