UNKNOWN — Survivors of Icelandair Flight 198, which crashed somewhere deep in the Arctic tundra last week, lauded vegan survivor Michael Hagen’s unwillingness to sacrifice…
FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. — Aging punk and generally anxious person in a Misfits T-shirt Hollie Wallace parked super far away from teenagers hanging out at a…
BETHESDA, Md. — “Duplicitous catfisher” and clearly regular homo sapien Colleen Jansen disappointed prospective love match Dominic Sabatino yesterday after proclaiming to be a “horse…
HENDERSON, Nev. — Local punk Vince Cannon applauded the proposed raising of the minimum wage to $15 an hour, as it will help him achieve…
LOS ANGELES — Local trans woman Ruby Aldorff posted a picture of herself eating a hotdog on Instagram yesterday, desperate for anyone to not have…
WARREN, Mich. — Millennial Jamie Thorpe suffered a retail-induced panic attack yesterday after hearing several beloved bands from her youth as background music at a…
ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Self-proclaimed sapiosexual man Chad Manning reportedly finds himself attracted to or aroused by intelligent and well-informed women, but only if their opinions…
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — A proposed presidential library for disgraced former President Trump is expected to feature the world’s largest vintage VHS pornography collection, organizers…
CHICAGO — PUSHback frontman Chris Sheppard is now completely unrecognizable to his close friends and peers after not having gone to the gym throughout the…
WASHINGTON — GOP official and QAnon superstar Marjorie Taylor Greene announced she will be breaking ground on a museum dedicated to the denial of the…
DALY CITY, Calif. — Local man Kevin Aguilar is completely unaware that his seemingly happy, long-term relationship will come to a swift and decisive end…
BILLERICA, Mass. — Local Brick Fist Boys crew member Sean Webster stood with his arms crossed in a recent photo for fear that he wouldn’t…
RYE, UNITED KINGDOM — Legendary musician and founding member of the Beatles Paul McCartney admitted today that he wished someone would occasionally ask him about…