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5 Easy Tips To Turn Your House Into a Home, Then Into an Unlicensed Drinking and Gambling Establishment

Hurray! You’ve finally saved enough money working your shitty nine-to-five and numerous side hustles to afford a house. Your dad always said you were a loser and would probably end up dying alone in that basement apartment you rented by the freeway, and you were really starting to believe him, but you made it.

Owning property is only the first step. Here are five easy tips to transform those four walls and roof into an actual home, then into an illegal drinking and gambling establishment that you’ve wanted more than those kids your girlfriend pressured you into having:


The most cost-effective way to turn a cold house into a warm home is to give it a fresh coat of paint. Updating room colors to match your favorite design trend is a great starting point that can lead seamlessly from your living room into your hidden pub and cockfighting ring that the authorities know nothing about.

New furniture:
Adding furniture to your new space can elicit happy feelings. A comfy couch or a breakfast nook are great pieces to add right before you spend the lion’s share of your cash on bar stools made from blackmarket rhino horns that you get from your shady Eastern European connect.

Make it smell like a home:
Fill your new home with scents that bring calm to your life. Always displaying freshly cut flowers or strong scented candles are great ways to bring inspiration to a dormant house, which is also important to mask the odor of those gamecocks ripping each other apart. You’d be surprised how bad rooster blood smells.

Meet your neighbors:
Being surrounded by people you trust is important for feeling comfortable. Meeting neighbors can fill the void if you miss your old neighborhood, and also can play an important role if one of them ever thinks of ratting your new boozecan out, so you’ll know who to target for revenge.

Host a cookout:

Inviting old friends and new neighbors over for a classic American BBQ is a great way to make fresh memories. And now that you have a pretty good idea it was Rick from across the street who’s been snooping around, you’ll have the perfect opportunity to pull him aside and calmly threaten to show his wife the photos of him passed out with that prostitute that you staged after drugging him, if he doesn’t shut his dumb trap up.