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‘90s Punk Fan Wondering When It’s Going To Be Cool To Mindlessly Hate Jawbreaker Again

OAKLAND, Calif. — Damien Pocket, a longtime “fan” of early ‘90s proto-emo outfit Jawbreaker, recently began wondering when it’s going to once again become accepted practice in the scene to viciously detest the band against all sense of reason or genuine feeling, needlessly outraged sources confirmed.

“I’ve been a huge Jawbreaker fan since the very beginning, which is why I’m starting to get confused about this new direction they’ve taken–the one where people don’t scream and spit at them at every opportunity,” explained Pocket with an expression on his face like that of a confused golden retriever. “Back in my day we used to go to Jawbreaker shows just to yell ‘sellout!’ a few times then go smoke Chesterfields outside of the venue. But kids these days are actually enjoying this music and not, in their words, ‘being petty bitches.’ That is not the scene that I remember.”

Jawbreaker guitarist Blake Schwarzenbach appeared oddly nostalgic for a time when he was actively hated by most people he met.

“Alas, those were the days. You just never feel more like a true artist than when you’re having misery and self-doubt hurled in your face on a nightly basis,” reflected Schwarzenbach. “But, of course we’ve put those days behind us. Oh sure, being reviled was all fun and games when we were spry young anarcho-beatniks. But we’ve got too many responsibilities now. Being hated is a full-time job.”

Clancy Rumlets, scene historian and author of the bestselling book “Sell This Out, Fuckface!”, detailed how vitriol towards artists can get refocused over time.

“There are always going to be people who are mad at bands they claim to love. We call this condition ‘being an obtuse dick.’ Let me know if you need me to sub that out for a non-sciency sounding term,” began Rumlets. “Odds are it’s never going to be cool to hate Jawbreaker again, but don’t you worry. There are always going to be places for people with no information and severe rage issues to vent that disdain. Shit, that’s Fox News’ entire business model.”

At press time, a bored Jawbreaker announced that they were thinking about recording a reggae album just to see if that stirred any shit up on Twitter.