Prodigy Punk Toddler Can Already Count to 1, 2, 1 2 3 4

Posted on by Anna Walsh

SEATTLE — Local toddler Piper Huga brought pre-k class to a halt this week after counting to 2 then 4 with a very specific rhythm, sources regularly reported by the school for vagrancy confirmed.

“We’re shocked that Piper knew not only the numbers 1 through 4, but the rhythm in which to say them. We play a bunch of Bad Religion because we thought the big words would do a lot of the heavy lifting for us, so imagine our surprise when Ramones-style numbers came out of her mouth,” parent Cory Huga gushed while pouring apple juice into an empty beer can for his daughter’s afternoon snack. “We thought we’d have to homeschool due to the government’s full propagandization of the public education system, but at this point she knows more than we could ever teach. We’re just going to have to let her join a band and see where this crazy world takes her.” 

Mike Socci, school music teacher and bassist in local metal band Pentagrandma’s Ashes, downplayed the excitement around the toddler’s new vocalization.

“She has a long way to go to earn the type of cred I’ve built in the scene. Sure, I still can’t join right on the 4, and sometimes our drummer only counts to 3, but we’ve paid our dues. Everyone is praising natural born talent over the hard work of practicing a few hours a month and having really loud amps,” Socci complained through puffs of a Juicy Fruit-flavored vape while supervising recess. “I’m sure she thinks being young will give her an edge, but I still have to grease some palms to get into most of the venues around here, so it’s safe to assume they’re all ages 50 and up.” 

Fellow classmate Hunter Green seemed confused when asked about the prodigy. 

“She’s always yelling out these numbers even when we’re supposed to be quiet coyotes. She scares me more than Mayor Humdinger from PawPatrol,” Green explained through babbles. “And she only wears black, so we had to learn a whole new color that isn’t even on the rainbow. I’m just glad I can’t read whatever the patches on her leather jacket say.”

At the time of publication, the four-year-old prodigy was seen bashing through a wall of toy blocks screaming, “It’s time to kick out the jams!”

Ten Easiest Conservative Actors To Boycott Because They’re Already Out of Work

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Let’s be real, separating ‘art from artist’ is a mental cop out where you can ignore all the shitty things your favorite entertainers have said and done in exchange for not feeling guilty about consuming their work. But disowning your favorite movies and shows is easier said than done, even if one of the principal actors came out as a raging bigot or believed the people who stormed the Capitol on January 6th are heroes.

But if you need to feel less guilty about rewatching ‘Home Improvement’ and ‘Lethal Weapon’, we’ve compiled a list of the ten conservative actors you can easily boycott because they’re already terminally unemployed.

Rob Schneider

Once upon a time, he was effortlessly stealing scenes in our favorite Adam Sandler movies (and Surf Ninjas). Nowadays he’s… wait, what is he up to again? We stopped paying attention after he fully capitulated to Trump and made his entire stand-up act about “woke”. For his sake, those Deuce Bigelow residuals better still be trickling in.

Kevin Sorbo

Gun to your head, name one thing Kevin Sorbo’s done after “Hercules” that wasn’t “God’s Not Dead”. Whoops, now you’re dead! Unless you consider bitching about nobody hiring you because of views which amount to Christian nationalism as a job, it doesn’t look like his IMBD page is going to get any bigger.

Jon Voight

Angelina Jolie was ahead of the curve going no contact with her father. Despite Trump naming him part of a special envoy to Hollywood alongside the wildly more successful (but still douchey) Sylvester Stallone and Mel Gibson, the only thing he’s starred in recently was Francis Ford Coppola’s stunning trainwreck “Megalopolis”, which we’re pretty sure is more embarrassing than any of his actual political views.

Dean Cain

It’s easy to dunk on the one-off Superman, which is why he’s included on this list! Last time we saw old Deano, he was struggling through an ICE training obstacle course in what we assume was some kind of humiliation ritual. Perhaps if more low-budget, Christian nationalist funded films roll out in the next few years, he can star in and be ignored in at least two of them.

Kirk Cameron

What do you think is worse: being a former teen star watching the internet dunk on you for being an embarrassing culture warrior wannabe, or watching your former teen star sister spew the same alt-right bullshit but still land a 200-picture deal with Hallmark Channel? Kirk always had the smug sense of superiority about him, but unlike Hollywood A-listers, he never had the talent to back it up. Maybe he can make another movie about himself saving another Holiday, like Flag Day.

Scott Baio

Scott Baio’s downfall was predestined from the start when he had to play second banana to Henry Winkler and Ron Howard at the same time. The last role he played was “Trump Supporter” in “The Most Famous Person the Trump Campaign Could Get to Show Up at a Rally”. That alone is worth six of seven shark jumps.

Randy Quaid

Yes, the very star of “Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure”, but also the star of “Kingpin”, which is hands down one of the best comedies of all time, making this a painful addition to the list. But such is life when you’re the ugly Quaid brother whose movies go straight to DVD. We don’t make the rules.

Rosanne Barr

How badly do you have to fuck up to get killed off your own show that’s also named after you? Rosanne has never been a stranger to controversy, but she could’ve avoided making the list if she were actually funny. Making the same pronoun jokes might do well on the MAGA circuit, but those folks have very limited attention spans.

Victoria Jackson

Okay, what the hell was in the water at 30 Rock during SNL’s early 90’s run? Unlike many of her co-stars who went on to movie stardom, we don’t recognize a single movie she’s been in from the last 20 years and likely won’t for the next 20, unless Weird Al decides to make a sequel to “UHF”. Alas, we’ll always have her impersonation of Sally Struthers.

Zachary Levi

We have to hand it to Zach; rarely has there ever been an actor who torpedoed their own career as fantastically as he. He made a big stink about getting cancelled over his support for Trump, but maybe someone can explain to him that people are allowed to vote with their wallets, which is why no one was clamoring to see “Harold and the Purple Crayon”.

Study Shows 85% of Americans Would Drink Kerosene if the Word ‘Prebiotic’ Was on the Label

Posted on by Steve Packosky

STANFORD, Calif. — A psychological study at Stanford University found that 85% of participants would willingly drink kerosene if the word “prebiotic” was included on the label, sources report.

“These findings were both alarming and disconcerting,” head researcher Kayleigh Brumfeldt said. “Of the 20 individuals we tested, 17 willingly drank from kerosene bottles, that were thankfully filled with water, after we added a label claiming the product contained prebiotics. It should also be noted that we believe the other three only refrained from consuming the contents because they were illiterate. We were already aware that Americans don’t demonstrate the capacity to think when it comes to what they put in their bodies, but we did not know the extent to which they’re willing to defile themselves because of a label that contains a word they don’t know the definition of.”

Participant Ben Reifert reflected on his experience with the study.

“I’m pretty sure kerosene is something I shouldn’t drink,” Reifert admitted. “But aren’t prebiotics really good for you? Or is that probiotics? Or are both of them beneficial? Do I need to consume just one of them or both of them to be healthy? All I know is that I started drinking five cans of Poppi a day because they have prebiotics, but I don’t know if I should be doing more than that. I eat a lot of Takis. Do those have prebiotics in them? Maybe only the blue ones do, because I’m pretty sure blue is healthy for you. I should go back in there and drink some more of that kerosene just to be on the safe side.”

Nutritionist Farzana Mukherjee was not surprised by the study’s findings.

“American consumers have to be the most ill-informed people on the planet,” Mukherjee sighed. “In lieu of education, we’ve resorted to just assuming food products are healthy because the companies themselves proclaim them as such. How else would you explain the entire nation thinking Subway is healthy just because some pedophile claimed to have lost weight from eating their food? Or people believing that consuming Gatorade’s processed sugar water is somehow a necessary part of exercise? I’m seriously considering a career change, because it’s not like people are listening to my advice anyway.”

At press time, the same research team found that 90% of Americans would eat cat litter if the word “protein” was written on the label.

Guy Looking For Lost Keys Kind of Killing Orgy’s Vibe

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

SEDONA, Ariz. — Attendees of an orgy reported that the evening’s highly charged sexual atmosphere was being ruined by a participant looking for the keys he lost during the course of the fuck-a-thon, confirmed previously horned up sources.

“I was in a bukkake session when out of nowhere this guy with his phone’s flashlight appeared and asked if anybody had seen his keys,” reported one of the guests, who requested anonymity. “We all stopped while he looked around, but once we got going again the mood had completely shifted. The last thing I wanted to see were the doughy bodies and withered, mostly flaccid cocks that had been in my mouth just moments ago. To his credit, he was apologetic, and Lord knows I’d be freaking out too if I lost my keys, but there’s an etiquette involved at these parties  and this was in clear violation.”

The participant in question confirmed the version of events, but indicated that his hands were tied given the circumstances.

“I get that I was being a ‘boner-killer’ as one of my neighbors put it, but I couldn’t just leave without my keys,” the defensive guest stated. “My car, house, and office keys were on that ring, so how was I even going to get home and to work without them? It’s not as if I was tapping some couple mid-69 on the shoulder and asking if they had seen them! I was trying my best to be as non-intrusive as possible, but judging from the looks I was getting I guess I failed. Still, I don’t think it’s fair to say I ruined the whole orgy as that one woman kept screaming at me. I was only looking for a few minutes at most.”

Experts noted the risks involved with group sex, including drug use and exposure to STIs, but indicated that with careful planning, losing items is something that is easily avoidable.

“When attending an orgy, it’s crucial for the attendees to keep track of personal belongings in order to lose themselves in the depraved debauchery,” indicated columnist Dan Savage. “Even if one loses something like an article of clothing or, in this case keys, the polite thing to do is wait until the event is over and then look. If nothing else, he should’ve just tossed his keys in the bowl like most guests do.”

At press time, the man looking for his keys had given up and was spotted waiting in line to run a train on another guest.

Stephen Miller Admits He’s Just Building Aryan Nation Cred for His Inevitable Imprisonment

Posted on by Charles Bill

WASHINGTON — Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller admitted that he’s just building Aryan Nation credibility for his inevitable imprisonment, confirmed sources.

“When I started losing my hair the first time Elon Musk fucked my wife ten years ago or so, I realized that I was a perfect Aryan specimen,” expressed Miller as he rubbed baby oil on his perfectly shiny dome. “Since that day, I’ve dedicated my life to building credibility with the Aryan Brotherhood for if, sorry when, I go to prison for my heinous crimes. The racism, the dog whistles, the Christo-Fascism is all in hopes of getting protection by taller, balder, stronger white men than me. If they don’t have my back, the Latin Kings are going to shank me in the shower ‘cause I have it coming. Maybe I can trade Steve Bannon for a few ramen packets.”

Although Miller was confident in his assessment of esteem among the Aryans, the neo-Nazis themselves were not so sure.

“We don’t want that pencil-necked geek,” explained Aryan Nation captain Vern Schillinger. “We want strong, Aryan soldiers. Not some nerd who can read. He doesn’t even have a swastika tattooed on his forehead, even though he would definitely get away with it if he did. Don’t get me wrong, I’m appreciative of all of the racial hatred he’s spread across America. That’s all great. But we have standards. Plus, there’s just something about his face, he looks like such a fucking loser. Like someone just farted next to him, at all times. I don’t know. Maybe when he says the Fourteen Words on television we will claim him, but until then, I don’t think so.”

Prison experts are already theorizing about how Miller will fare in prison.

“Well everyone is going to beat the shit out of him, that’s for sure,” said penology and gang expert Dr. Wanda Goode. “I think MS-13 is going to get the first crack at him. They’re pretty mad that he calls every immigrant part of MS-13, it’s really watering down their brand. Next, I’d say the Black Guerilla Family will probably snap his twig legs and kick him in the stomach. Finally, the Aryans might finally Google him and realize that he’s Jewish, then they’ll really let him have it.”

At press time, Miller was watching “Let’s Go To Prison” on repeat before switching to the Rob Schneider classic “Big Stan.”

New Ayatollah From Chicago

Posted on by Shane Pauker

TEHRAN — Following Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s assassination in Operation Epic Fury, the Islamic Republic of Iran has appointed its first American-born Ayatollah.

“I, like my predecessors, intend to uphold traditions of Bears hegemony and dyeing the Caspian Sea green for Eid,” Ayatollah Bob Hosseini told his country in a press conference. “Only through the support of the hardworking operatives who installed me can this modern age of Islam, like the sauce in a properly-made pizza, end up on top. May my reign long be remembered as an era of peace and harmony with American oil interests!”

Iranian officials have long anticipated the potential political benefits of an American Ayatollah.

“We searched all over the country for a leader who might soften America’s drone strikes, or at least somebody who might let us start to build nuclear plants again,” explained Iranian leadership councilor Alireza Arafi. “It was a star search for who might finally garner American sympathies. We determined that anybody from New Jersey would fail to improve American opinions. We vetted mosques in Pennsylvania and, unfortunately, found that it was always Sunni in Philadelphia. So, sure, after the recent pope appointment, a midwestern leader seemed gauche, but the CIA has assured us that Ayatollah Bob really was the best choice.” 

Islamic scholars have expressed mixed opinions on Hosseini’s appointment.

“There’s nothing in the Quran, I guess, that says a Chicagoan can’t be Ayatollah,” UCLA Islamic studies professor Alam Sayeed theorized. “Technically speaking, his use of all-beef franks means it’s only a social abomination — not a religious one — that he’s been putting celery salt and a full salad on top of hot dogs. It is of some concern, though, that Bob’s beard appears to be pinned on and his spray tan keeps melting off.”

The new Ayatollah was last seen celebrating his appointment with a shot of non-alcoholic malört.

World War II Veteran Still Suffering From Hitler Derangement Syndrome

Posted on by Trevor Graham

CHICAGO — A veteran who fought in World War II still continues to have “Hitler Derangement Syndrome” to this day, even at the age of 99, sources who keep meaning to check out “Band of Brothers” confirmed.

“I don’t really understand it. As I recall, I fought in the war to protect my country and to help defeat the Nazis, but now I’m being told that I just have something called ‘Hitler Derangement Syndrome,’” said Major Tom Wilkinson. “It was such a long time ago. I guess I just don’t remember what we were even fighting for. Maybe something about invading Greenland or tariffs? I gave up my youth and my innocence for the war, and a lot of my friends gave the ultimate sacrifice to their country to stop fascism. Seeing how things are now in the world, I guess we shouldn’t have even bothered.”

Some of Wilkinson’s family members think that he was just too easily susceptible to outside influences, convincing him that everything Hitler did was wrong.

“My grandfather was only 18 when he went to fight, and his young mind was just ripe for the liberal media of the 1940s,” said Travis Wilkinson while preparing to record his political podcast. “Just another classic case of the left’s agenda to indoctrinate young men into believing there is something wrong with a strong alpha leader who just wants to make his country great. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think everything Hitler did was great. Like, he was a vegetarian and painted those fruity paintings. But that doesn’t make him crazy.”

Fox News contributor Jesse Watters wonders if WWII vets like Wilkinson even really deserve the praise that society gives them.

“I mean, look, do I respect the military? Sure. Do I thank them for their service? Obviously, if I’m on camera or in public. But are these old WWII vets really the ‘greatest generation’? If they’re so ‘great’ then how could they have been so easily duped by the lamestream media,” said Watters while sitting in the makeup chair. “Let’s not forget also that FDR was president at the time and was filling the heads of impressionable young men with ideas like social security and ‘providing for the commonwealth.’ All so he could try to get the country out of the great depression. Hey Franklin, it’s a free market, just let it do its thing!”

At press time, Wilkinson was informed by his grandson that he was actually a socialist for living off of his veteran’s retirement benefits for so long, and he should consider entering the job market again on his 100th birthday.

Five CAPTCHA Tests That I Fucking Crushed This Week

Posted on by Steve Packosky

You know, I really don’t understand why everyone in my life is telling me that I haven’t amounted to anything. After all, if I was such a fuck-up, how would I have been able to work seven jobs over the past year? I was even able to hold onto one of them for longer than a month. But I digress. Here’s a little “fuck you” to all the naysayers out there: five CAPTCHA tests that I fucking crushed this week. Read ‘em and weep, boys.

  1. Select all squares with BICYCLES

Got this when I was trying to log onto Facebook to share this sick-ass “Stand for the flag, kneel for the cross” meme I saw on r/counteveryvote, and guess what? Absolutely annihilated it in one shot. Got to show all my friends and family, at least the ones who still speak to me, what it means to be a real patriot. You’re welcome.

  1. Select all squares with CROSSWALKS

This one gave me a little bit more trouble while I was trying to meet remotely with my parole officer, but I passed it with flying colors in just two attempts. I’m not even sure why I still need to meet with the guy. Donald Trump already personally pardoned me for all the worst stuff I did in Nancy Pelosi’s office a few years back. Whatever.

  1. Select all squares with TRAFFIC LIGHTS

Pssht, like I even need to pay attention to these fucking things when I’m hauling ass in my 2013 Kawasaki KX250F, you know? No matter, because I was able to hit all the squares on the first try, even the one that was off to the side with just a little bit of the traffic light in it, so I could buy tickets for the Breaking Benjamin show next month. Fuck yeah.

  1. Select all squares with BRIDGES

Ran into this one when I was trying to log on to the Discover website after I got some pushback from the Breaking Benjamin ticket purchase. I swear to God it’s my credit card, so I don’t know what the issue is. At any rate, this test gave me absolutely no issue.

  1. Select all squares with STAIRS

So I had to meet with my parole officer again, OK? Looks like the little mixup with the credit card is going to be a whole thing. The worst part of it is I might not get to go see Breaking Benjamin live, which fucking sucks. I did crush the CAPTCHA test, but it looks like that’s the least of my concerns right now. Goddamnit.

Diarrhea Planet Apologize for Making Good Music After Naming Their Band That

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Garage punk band Diarrhea Planet issued an apology for releasing good music after having chosen such an awful band name, sources report.

“From the bottom of our hearts, everyone in Diarrhea Planet sincerely apologizes,” said frontman Jordan Smith. “When we named our band, we had no idea that we would end up writing multiple studio albums and EPs of high-quality music. We were just fooling around with our instruments in a garage and wanted to gross people out. We were already well-known in our local scene by the time we were recording in a professional studio, so it was too late for a name change. Nonetheless, this is something we should have caught earlier, and for that, we have nothing to offer our fans aside from earnest contrition.”

Fan Hannah Brier was not sure whether she accepted the apology.

“I’m going to have to think about this for a while,” Brier sighed. “I can’t tell you how many times people have asked me what I’m listening to on my headphones or my car stereo, and I furiously blush as I tell them the name. Ugh, I hate saying it out loud. Couldn’t they have opted for almost literally any other name for their band? Christ, even ‘Poop Planet’ would have been an improvement. At the very least, they could have had the decency to make terrible music that nobody wanted to listen to. I absolutely hate that they’re one of my favorites.”

Music expert Reginald Young reflected on the disconnect that sometimes occurs between bands and their names.

“This certainly isn’t the first time that a band has made good music while having a horrible name, but it might be the most egregious example,” Young said. “This is especially prevalent in genres aside from metal, as you rarely hear Dying Fetus fans complain about the band’s moniker, for example. Bands like The Band or Death Cab for Cutie are known for making good music despite the fact that their names are abominable. My advice to fans is to just continue shrugging sheepishly when telling friends and family what music they’re listening to or what band they’re going to see. Particularly with Diarrhea Planet, there’s really no other approach that I can think of.”

At press time, Smith offered to change the band’s logo to unreadable black metal font so fans wouldn’t feel embarrassed to wear their shirts.

Tech Startup Aims To Disrupt Humanity’s Concept of a Happy and Fulfilling Life

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Tech startup Optium will soon launch an app that aims to disrupt humanity’s concept of a happy and fulfilling life by conditioning users to regard their daily doomscroll as an instrumental component of a meaningful existence, according to leaked company documents.

“For too long, the demands of work, family and friendship have interfered with people’s quest for fulfillment,” said Optium CEO Kai Fattum. “But our BlitheHack App is equipped with intuitive AI that can curate user experiences so that no one will ever again feel empty and regretful after spending 95% of their waking hours swiping through nothing but AI-generated content, targeted ads, and social media comments through their VR headsets. As humans, we need purpose and more importantly, digital purpose. To doomscroll is to live.”

Beta-tester and adjunct professor of philosophy Dr. Nolan Mims claims that BlitheHack’s algorithm peppers clichés from the world of positive psychology into users’ feeds to intensify dopamine hits, especially when users engage with rage bait posted by loser incels blasting out content from their parents’ basement.

“I’m generally dubious when some tech startup trashes perennial truths about how to live a happy and noble life,” said Dr. Mims. “But given what the gutting of liberal arts education is doing to my job security, I’m going to hedge my bets and say that Optium won’t do any more damage to people’s sense of reality than what Meta or TikTok or X have already done. And who knows? Maybe Optium will float a six-figure salary to underemployed academics like me who are willing to suffer the indignity of having a pretentious job title like Chief Wellness Optimizer if the gig comes with health insurance.”

Tech stock expert Cody Brayden thinks the Optium app could be a sound investment. 

“Optium’s PR team makes a convincing case that their algorithm will adroitly exploit the psychological vulnerabilities of teens, and thus, their business model should be profitable for years to come,” said Brayden. “Whether the app can truly rewire users’ concept of happiness to the point that folks come to believe the insolent hottakes posted by the dregs of internet society are an enriching part of their day remains to be seen, but if Optium can monetize humanity’s growing aversion to the always perplexing and often arduous search for meaning and fulfillment, then investing in Optium is a true no-brainer.”

At press time, Professor Mims had yet to receive an interview after applying at Optium for the job of Assistant Curator of Digital Bliss.