Dave Portnoy Gives Perfect Score to Slice of Pizza That Comes With Little Vial of Cocaine

Posted on by Collin Preciado

BOSTON — Barstool Sports founder and One Bite Pizza reviewer Dave Portnoy reportedly gave a rare perfect 10.0 score to a slice of cheese pizza that came with a little vial of cocaine, multiple sources have confirmed.

“Look, I’m not a cocaine guy. I acutally don’t even really like pizza all that much,” said Portnoy while fidgeting with his nose. “Everyone thinks I’m a coke guy because everything about my aura screams ‘I start and end my day with a little bump.’ But I’m not, I don’t do it. Just because I talk really fast and am emotionally volatile and loud and tweet everything that comes to my head and paranoid almost all of the time doesn’t mean I do coke. It’s just a coincidence, okay? If that pizza came with a little vial and that vial is now empty, I wouldn’t know anything about that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some local pizzas to rate while blocking sidewalk traffic.”

The pizza in question came from the Munch-n-Pump gas station. 

“It was completely unexpected,” said Robert Henson, owner of the gas station/pizzeria. “We were a little worried because the slice we gave him had been under the heat lamp for four or five days, but I put that coke in the box to try to sweeten the deal and I just saw him light up like a little kid who loves cocaine. However, I was a little surprised that he didn’t eat the crust. Thought only children did that.”

The Munch-n-Pump has over 300 one-star reviews on Yelp with many users specifically pointing to the pizza as “the worst pizza on the face of the planet,” but witnesses claim Portnoy only had good things to say.

“The dude was bouncing off the walls saying it was the greatest thing he’s ever put into his face,” said witness Sandra Doerr, a Boston University student who happened to be in the store at the same time as Portnoy. “I’m not even sure he even took a bite of the pizza. He was just doing cartwheels down the aisles before running outside into the middle of traffic and diving headfirst into that storm drain there. I’m pretty sure that guy is only into pizza for the drugs. I mean, c’mon, it’s a gas station, you’re not supposed to eat anything in here.”

At press time, Portnoy was eventually spotted several weeks later at the White House, where he accepted a position in the Trump administration as the head of the DEA.

Why My Frank Zappa Fandom Had Nothing to Do with Me Naming My Son Dweezil

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, let me make one thing perfectly clear: Frank Zappa is one of the most influential artists in music history. He seamlessly blended an unheard of variety of influences into his one, singular approach that still resonates over three decades after his death. Without a doubt, he’s my favorite musician of all time. I celebrate his entire catalog and even have a tattoo of his signature moustache on my right forearm. With all that being said, I want to be clear: my fandom had absolutely nothing to do with me naming my son Dweezil.

When my wife Mallory and I found out we were pregnant, we were ecstatic. I couldn’t wait to have a son or daughter to raise and impart my wisdom to, and I thought nothing of my favorite singer/songwriter while combing through baby books for potential names. To be completely honest, I knew nothing of Zappa’s personal life when I suggested the name “Dweezil” to Mallory. I had thought of it on my own, completely irrespective of my taste in music, and you can’t prove me wrong. 

Also, do you know what we were going to name our baby if it was a girl? No, not Moon or Diva. We were going to name her Emily, after my dearly departed aunt, which further proves that my basement shrine to rock music’s wittiest and most prolific mind was certainly no indicator of my baby-naming preferences, and honestly, I’m a little insulted that you think there’s a correlation. Also, my wife insisted on “Emily,” and wouldn’t countenance either of the aforementioned names that may or may not have been suggested during her pregnancy.

Look, I just think “Dweezil” is a great name, and that opinion is mutually exclusive from my musical tastes, OK? Why is that so difficult for you to believe? I’m a huge Bob Dylan fan, too, but you don’t see me considering “Jakob” as a name for any potential second son, do you?

OK, I actually am considering that, but it’s honestly just a coincidence.

You know what? You can go ahead and believe whatever you want. I’m confident that my son’s name is the result of a completely independent and original choice that’s completely unrelated to the oversized backdrop of the “Hot Rats” album cover currently papering his bedroom wall. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for Dweezil’s nightly listening of “Muffin Man” before his feeding. He gets cranky if I keep him waiting.

Dom Forces Sub to Read and Explain Board Game Rules

Posted on by Charles Bill

SAN FRANCISCO — The local kink community was fascinated today by a dom who compels their sub to both read and explain rules to a board game, confirmed slightly turned on sources.

“It’s just about the most unpleasant and degrading thing I can possibly think of,” said dominant partner Alex Shane. “I’ve tried spitting, stepping on, choking, slapping, nipple clamps, all of them pale in comparison to making someone explain Ticket to Ride to a room of uninterested friends who would rather just drink beer and chat. You can really see the sexual pain on her face as she has to read a thick ass rule book and then figure out how to teach that to people. And answer their incessant questions about it even though she barely knows more than them. It gets my dick rock hard.”

The submissive in the relationship also expressed satisfaction with the new arrangement.

“My daddy loves it when I summarize board game rules,” said thoroughly dominated Donna Klompen. “It’s so hot for me that I’ve started going to the library to rent games. But I just read the rule books instead and that gets me almost all the way there. It hurts so good to tell people how to trade for sheep in Catan. I’m a little worried how this is affecting my brain though. The other day I was playing Monopoly with my nephews. I explained that we put money in Free Parking and then I got all hot and bothered.”

Although the dom/sub dynamic is working for the couple, others that know them are not as thrilled.

“Board game nights suck now, shit is weird as fuck,” related visibly shaken friend Wendy Tyler. “We were all getting together to play Wingspan, and then Donna comes out wearing a choker that says ‘Daddy’s Little Slut’ and immediately starts explaining how you need to lay eggs on birds to gain points. We all played the game before, but she was still explaining it and she was into it. I mean really into it. Alex was staring at her and licking his lips the whole time, I did not care for it. Didn’t even get to play Codenames because I was too freaked.”

At press time, the board game group was passing on Shane and Klompen’s suggestion to play Twister.

Israel Claims Hamas Holding Prime Real Estate Hostage

Posted on by Jessica Carreiro

JERUSALEM, Israel — The Israeli Prime Minister’s office claimed Hamas was holding prime real estate hostage in dangerously tempting conditions, declaring the war would continue at full force until all desirable property and beachfront views had been safely released into Israeli hands, confirmed sources.

“I see photographs of starving children sitting on piles of rubble where their homes used to be, and it makes me sick to think of how that real estate is going to waste! That could be a Zara,” said one of hundreds of Israelis praying for the swift release of the West Bank at a candlelight vigil. “Brave settlers are risking their lives to destroy Mosques and orchards so that they may one day be our condos, and the world would condemn us for simply having a dream. Why doesn’t anyone use their Emmy speech to talk about my cousin, whose hand still aches from beating a hateful elderly couple who refused to just give up their land. We hurt too! What about our pain?”

The claim has sparked intense reactions from lawmakers in the U.S., with some questioning whether the entire Palestinian population could be considered a human shield—blocking access to the prime real estate. 

“Israel has a right to defend itself against the missed opportunity of luxury high-rise apartment complexes in East Jerusalem,” said House Minority Leader, Hakeem Jeffries. “Denying Israel from seizing all the finest land in Palestine absolutely means it is being held hostage. I fully support Israel securing their most important hostage by whatever means necessary. Of course, the loss of Palestinian lives is tragic, but that is why we must strongly urge Hamas to give Israel its prime real estate so we can finally stop hearing about it.”

Media coverage has also been widespread, though Israeli officials claim it has not gone far enough to depict Palestinian families fairly as “land hoarding terrorists promoting extremist ideology” about the right to exist in their own homes.

“I will not be intimidated from asking the hard hitting questions that deliver a fair and balanced view of these important global issues,” said CNN anchor Bianna Golodryga, regarding recent criticisms of the press. “It’s my duty as a journalist to ensure that the upstanding Israeli settlers and the blood-thirsty, Hamas-supporting Palestinians both get equal, unbiased reporting. That’s why I dig beyond the surface to report the truth, as described to me by Israeli officials—which will have to do since we can’t report from Gaza, of course.”

In response to global skepticism that real estate was being held hostage, the Israeli Prime Minister’s office shared it had a letter from the prime real estate itself claiming it was depressed and didn’t know how much longer it could go on uncolonized; however, the letter reportedly could not be released without endangering the lives of IDF soldiers.

How to Have “The Talk” with Your Son About Him Totally Disrespecting the Micro Machines He Inherited from You

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Parenting is full of tough conversations — the birds and the bees, where do we come from, and the dreaded talk every father must have with his son about how he’s absolutely defiling your impressive Micro Machine collection that you’ve foolishly entrusted him with.

Us dads, we’re car guys. It’s our responsibility to indoctrinate our sons into car culture at an extremely young age to serve as a baseline carapace of masculinity, lest they fall into prolonged episodes of whimsy or soccer. The best way to achieve this has always been through the purchase and distribution of Micro Machines to small boys. But for some inexplicable reason they stopped making them, which means they’re not just toys I kept in a shoebox in my parents basement but literal heirlooms. 

This is why the talk is necessary. People may tell you it’s not that big of a deal – wives, in-laws, therapists. Don’t listen to them. This is between father and son. As such, I’ve found it far more effective to have these talks late at night after your wife has gone to bed, mano a mano. Be sure to wake your son gently. Remember, your aim is not to scare him but to scold him for his carelessness. Plus, you don’t want to run the risk of him screaming and waking up that wife of yours. 

Once the boy is reasonably conscious, you lay into him hard. It’s important for you to do all the talking, so I recommend drafting up a speech and having a few alcoholic beverages beforehand to get the juices flowing. While there may be tears (from both of you!), it’s important to stand firm. Some variance is expected based on the idiocy of the boy, but you might want to try phrases such as, ‘They don’t let kids have these anymore because of unrepentant slobs like you who think it’s perfectly fine to mash them all up in Play-Doh!’ or ‘I don’t even want to know how many of these you’ve ingested, you idiot pig boy!’ (and if he’s on the heftier side, feel free to lift up his pajama shirt at that time.)

Make it your own, have fun with it, but remember speed is essential. Need I remind you about your wife sleeping in the room across the hall? You should be talking fast as fuck like the guy in the Micro Machines commercials. That guy ruled! Maybe if your son had better role models like the Micro Machines guy, you wouldn’t be in this mess. Anyways, once you’ve sufficiently let your son know how much of a disappointment he is, say something about this all being a dream and get the hell out of there. 

Hardee’s Introduces New All-Crouton Salad

Posted on by Steve Packosky

FRANKLIN, Tenn. — American fast food restaurant chain Hardee’s has unveiled a new menu addition known as the All-Crouton Salad, sources report.

“We’re proud to present this fantastic offering to health-conscious consumers,” Hardee’s spokesperson Andrea Skrolnick said. “Our new signature salad comes with a pound of delicious croutons coated in our secret seasoning and deep fried to a golden brown, served with a dressing of choice and a side of our rich and flavorful Double Biscuit ‘n’ Gravy, as well as a 48-ounce soda. We understand that obesity has become a global epidemic, and have taken it upon ourselves to offer our customers an alternative to the more caloric options prevalent at other restaurants. We care about the health and well-being of all Americans, and this new item is a reflection of that. Bon appétit!”

Hardee’s customer Earl Miller couldn’t be more over the moon.

“This is just fantastic!” Miller exclaimed. “Hardee’s is my favorite restaurant, and I’ve been eating there at least four times a week for the past couple decades or so. I’m just now recuperating from a quadruple bypass I had last month, and my doctor said it would be a good idea to incorporate salad and exercise into my daily routine. The exercise part sure-as-shit ain’t happening, but I’ll happily eat some salads if they’re made at Hardee’s. I like to get the Double Bacon Cheeseburger Combo every Wednesday, but I’ll substitute this new salad for it going forward. That should take care of the ol’ ticker.”

Nutritionist Brenda Klahan was not surprised by what she heard.

“Clearly, this abomination has absolutely no nutritional value at all,” Klahan sighed. “However, that’s certainly not going to stop gullible Americans from chowing down on it while thinking they’re acting in their bodies’ best interest. Do you remember when everyone in this doomed country thought Subway was healthy just because some pedophile lost weight by eating small amounts of it? Nowadays, all you have to do is slap the word ‘protein’ on a Lunchable and idiots everywhere will run out and buy it. I’m honestly shocked that it took Hardee’s this long to make a ‘salad’ that’s likely even more caloric than its cheeseburgers in order to garner more sales. Obviously, I think it’s monstrous, but I understand it from a business perspective.”

At press time, Hardee’s also introduced their new All-Mayonnaise dressing to be offered with the salad.

Punk’s Best Anecdote Very Similar to Sober Friend’s Rock Bottom Story

Posted on by Tim Graham

KINGSTON, N.Y. — Local tattooist Eddie Greer’s proud tale of drunken excess bears a close resemblance to his friend’s worst night, according to mutual friends.

“So this one night, I pregamed for a house show with Fireball whiskey. I guess it didn’t sit well with the 40 of Old English, because I ended up spewing cinnamon vomit all over everyone in the pit as well as the band,” said Greer. “After that I recall hitting on some chick upstairs, still covered in puke. The cops wound up raiding the show. The last thing I remember is standing on a cop car hood and pissing all over the windshield while a crowd of punks cheered. When a pig tackled me, I elbowed him in the nuts and managed to escape into the woods. That night was fucking epic.”

Greer’s friend and former drinking buddy Paolo Costa looks back on his own drunken hijinks with regret.

“I went to that show with Eddie,” said the now-sober Costa. “Geez, I must’ve had three or four beers within a couple of hours so I was feeling a bit tipsy myself. I only had a soft boiled egg for dinner and I guess the booze really hit me hard. I remember making an ass of myself by mistaking Mission of Burma with The Mission UK when I was talking to a girl I liked. I think the last straw was that I woke up late for class and wound up only getting a B+ on an exam. That and the terrible headache was the wake-up call I needed to swear off booze forever.”

Addiction counselor Melissa Weingarten of Shady Spruce Rehabilitation says she’s heard all manner of rock bottom stories.

“Part of my job is listening to stories of people at their lowest,” said Weingarten. “Most of the patients here have similar sorts of banal rock bottoms. You know, ‘Boo-hoo, I lost my job’ or ‘Wahh, my wife left me.’ But once in a while, I get to hear something really juicy. I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I get bored hearing the same old woe-is-me stuff, so I’m actually grateful when someone comes in here with a story about shitting their pants at a wedding or stealing a cop car.”

At press time, Greer clarified that the woman he attempted to woo while covered in vomit is now his wife.

We Sat Down to Discuss Strategy with Longtime DNC Strategists Ned Flanders’s Parents

Posted on by Laurie Bolewitz

As the United States descends further into fascistic chaos, the American people continue to look to their elected leaders to enact policies that will prevent the GOP from running further amok. Critics have denounced the Democratic party for lacking clear strategic goals and acting upon them. To get to the bottom of this, we sat down with longtime DNC strategists and Ned Flanders’s parents, Nedward Sr. and Capri Flanders. 

Thanks for meeting with us today, we’re sure you must be very busy. 

Nedward: Thanks man, we’re sick of talking with a buncha losers straight from Squaresville man!! 

Capri: Yeah, you gotta help us, doc! 

Okay we’re not doctors, not sure where you got that idea — and we’re not really here to offer help — but we would like to know how you would respond to your critics who have noted the Democratic Party has lacked both strategy and action.

Capri: We don’t believe in strategy man, those are like RULES! 

You don’t believe in strategy, but you’re the council in charge of DNC strategy? 

Capri: That’d be like, telling people what to DO man!! And we can’t do that!!

Nedward: Yeah, we gave up telling people what to do when we started living like freaky beatniks, man!!! 

Okay, but, for example, Rep. Chuck Schumer was evidently using the “strategy” of conceding to a bunch of harmful GOP policies in the hopes they would compromise and concede to at least a few Democratic suggestions. They didn’t, and actually enacted more conservative policies. Have you considered telling him that it might actually be helpful to have a definable strategy with actual, specific goals?

Nedward: We couldn’t tell Chuckie what to do, MAN!! That’d be like telling Gene Krupa not to go BOOM BOOM BOOM, BAP BAP BAP BAP, Tsss tssss, boom boom BAP BAP BAP

So not even just, uh, Chuckie, but for example the Democratic party couldn’t even come together in the legislature to decline to “thank” ICE for their “service.”

Nedward: BOOM BOOM BOOM, BAP BAP BAP, TSSS TSSS!!! *both Capri and Nedward descended into nonsensical and possibly musically inaccurate jazz sounds.*

Also, not sure Gene Krupa is the most engaging reference for today but uh, speaking of reaching your base, even before the election the DNC refused to have a trans speaker at their conference in an attempt to appeal to moderates but instead just completely alienated their base and also didn’t end up winning over any moderates. Have you considered having a strategy or clearly stating your ideals at all? 

Capri: You gotta help us doc! We tried nothing and we’re all out of ideals! 

Lousy beatnicks. 

Editor’s note: We would’ve continued this interview but Trump and RFK started running around Congress, punching people in the face and yelling “Whee! I’m Dick Tracy! Bam! Take that Prune Face! Now, I’m Prune Face! Take that Dick Tracy! Now I’m Prune Tracy! Take that Dickf……” and we figured someone should step in and try to do SOMETHING.

Zohran Mamdani Announces Plans for Free Tour Buses for Shitty Dive Bands

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

NEW YORK — New York Mayor-Elect Zohran Mamdani revealed that plans for his mayoral term will include providing shitty local dive bands with free tour buses, confirmed sources. 

“The first 100 days in office are crucial, and as we work on providing free buses for all of New York, I plan to extend the offer to the worst Bushwick dive bands I can find. It’s important as New Yorkers that we support the arts no matter how out of tune their bass guitar is or how many women they’ve given chlamydia to,” explained Mamdani. “Who knows, they could be the next Geese. Or maybe they’ll ride the tour bus out of the city and will settle far away in upstate New York with unrealized dreams that morph into an obsession with IPAs and television made before their hair began thinning.” 

Local dive band Red Piss Ants was reportedly thrilled with the new legislation. 

“This is so huge for us really. We’ve spent so many years spitting Zyns out on the subway and fighting public intoxication charges, now we can just drunk-ride home from the pub that we play in. If only real venues would book us then this would really be exciting,” marveled frontman Simon Mathis. “We won’t be slaves to the train anymore. Plus, we can finally tour in farther places, ones we’ve never been to before. Like Rutherford, New Jersey.” 

However, Upper West Side band Honks found the new legislation to be a bit stringent. 

“So it turns out in order to qualify for the government tour bus subsidy you have to be artistically underprivileged, so because we have management and play at actual venues we aren’t eligible to receive a free bus,” groveled bassist Jason George. “Why can’t we get support? We’re still nowhere near the top. Whatever happened to supporting the middle class? This is like stimulus checks all over again. I suppose it’s good he’s freezing rents though. At least we have a rent-controlled studio to smash instruments and think about making a record in.”

At press time, Mamdani was found at a rally revealing that his run for mayor was actually just a guerilla marketing front to promote his rap career. 

Ken Burns’ ‘History of Grindcore’ 12 Seconds Long

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ARLINGTON, Va. — PBS surprised viewers that a new documentary from acclaimed documentarian Ken Burns titled “History of Grindcore” clocked in at exactly 12 seconds, producers have confirmed.

“As much as I am in love with the rich tapestry of American history, I thought it might be fun to get out of my comfort zone and cover a subject I knew next to nothing about. My nephew suggested I listen to Napalm Death and it was clear the world needed to learn about the terrifying world of grindcore. And after six months and hundreds of hours of interviews and archival footage, I managed to put together 12 seconds of salvageable material due to our equipment getting damaged in the mosh pits,” said Burns. “I know some viewers will be disappointed about the runtime but much like the music, they’ll get the gist of the entire scene within the first four seconds.”

Grindcore fans were happy to see the genre potentially expand to a wider audience.

“I didn’t think Burns could pull it off because he’s kind of a poser and made two movies about sports but it’s a true love letter to the genre. I’ve said time and time again that more people need to know that Anal Cunt is just as influential as the Beatles and this documentary nailed it, despite it dragging around the middle,” said Trevor Hendrickson. “I think the only improvement I’d have made is if he titled it something cooler like “Foreskins for Dinner” or something. Other than that, I’d recommend it to anyone willing to put in the time to watch it.”

PBS, who funded the documentary, said it was part of a strategy to reach a broader audience.

“Since funding is running dry, we thought it would be prudent to elicit some new viewers by diving into subjects outside of Americana and nature. Even though I’m a bit perturbed Ken blew $200,000 to make a documentary shorter than a pledge drive phone call, it’s a huge hit with punks and people with extremely short attention spans,” said programming director Michael Nesbit. “We’ve already greenlit new projects covering the drink ticket black market in rural Kansas’ punk scene, as well as the world of Autozone metalheads. Somebody has to fill the void left by Vice, it might as well be the people who brought you Antiques Roadshow.”

Burns later revealed he found enough leftover footage for a six second documentary about Bolt Thrower crew necks.