Absolutely Disgusting: This Man Reuses His Toilet

Posted on by Steve Packosky

These days, as civility and decency become more and more difficult to find, it seems that there’s no limit to the levels of depravity proudly exhibited by others. What once might have been seen as stomach-churning behavior is now commonplace, and respectable citizens are frequently shocked by these sick displays of perversion and deviance. As such, meet 36-year-old Jeremy Cole of Marion Center, Pennsylvania, who has been reusing the toilet of his one bedroom apartment ever since he moved into it two years ago.

Two years. Disgusting.

According to our sources, the seemingly normal Cole manages to fool his friends and family by upholding a job as a software engineer at a nearby logistics company. He’s even been in a steady relationship with a woman he met at the gym for the past several months. However, we find it impossible to believe that anyone in his life is aware of his ghastly ritual of urinating and defecating into the same vessel every day. How could they be? The loathsome creature has apparently been pulling the wool over their eyes for years, retreating into his den of iniquity and corruption to repeat the fetishistic pursuit with appalling regularity. We feel ourselves growing nauseous at the mere thought of it. How is it that one person can stir such feelings of loathing and revulsion in his fellow man?

But wait, it gets even worse. Once a week, the vile beast engages in the unconscionable activity of cleaning his toilet with a bleach-based solvent and brush that he has designated specifically for this purpose. 

Ugh, what the fuck? He even reuses the brush, again and again and again! 

Is this done to maintain his facade of being a normal, upstanding member of society, or is it something darker? Unfortunately for all of us, we believe Cole does this in anticipation of further defiling the poor device with the future leavings of his bowels and bladder. 

Seriously, what is wrong with this man?

Will Cole continue this gut-wrenching lifestyle of his, or will someone in his life finally confront him and tell him his actions are offensive and backward? We can only pray for the latter, because we don’t want to live in a world where such impropriety is tolerated.

Make-A-Wish Kid’s Request To Meet Queensrÿche’s Guitarist Clearly Influenced by Father

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — The Make-A-Wish request made by nine-year-old cancer patient Corey Sawyer to meet Queensrÿche guitarist Michael Wilton was clearly influenced by his father, 48-year-old Rick Sawyer, sources report.

“Queensrÿche are absolute pioneers of the progressive metal genre,” the younger Sawyer monotoned in an obvious regurgitation of his father’s words. “They took the technical proficiency of popular bands of the ‘70s and ‘80s, like Queen and Van Halen, and seamlessly transformed it into a subgenre of metal that’s still around today. Do you think we’d have bands like Dream Theater, Symphony X, and even more extreme bands like Opeth, without Queensrÿche? There’s no way, so my da—I mean, I’m really excited to meet their original guitarist. There’s no way I would’ve rather gone to Super Nintendo World in Japan over this.”

Corey’s dad was proud of his son’s supposed decision.

“My little Corey really has great taste, doesn’t he?” the elder Sawyer beamed as he gathered an extensive collection of Queensrÿche merch he’d amassed over the past three decades to be signed. “I’m so proud of my little guy for wanting to meet the guitarist who was so instrumental in creating our favorite subgenre of metal. Corey loves to listen to me go on about growing up as the only Queensrÿche fan in my school while we listen to ‘Operation: Mindcrime’ on repeat. The other day he was so content while I was explaining to him the intricacies of their lead work that he fell asleep. I can tell he’s just beside himself with excitement to meet my—I mean, his favorite guitarist.”

Wilton was confused by his experience.

“I think Make-A-Wish is great, so when they contacted me to meet one of their patients, I was happy to do it,” Wilton said. “However, when I got there, Corey appeared to be absolutely bored out of his mind, and his dad kept thrusting old shirts and hats for me to sign ostensibly for his son. The kid even took out his Nintendo Switch and started playing Fortnite in the middle of our meeting, which his father didn’t even notice as he was asking me about my experience writing ‘Rage for Order’ and taking the band into a proggier direction in the mid-‘80s. I’m beginning to wonder who made the decision to request for me to come out here.”

At press time, Make-A-Wish employees were skeptical of the elder Sawyer’s latest request for VIP Dokken tickets.

Chipotle Worker Shot After Impeding Ice Agent’s Investigation of Lunch

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Blake Clansmyn, an agent with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), allegedly shot a worker at Chipotle who impeded his investigation into lunch, sources report.

“I walked into Chipotle and immediately initiated an investigation into whether they still had carnitas or if I would need to wait. Some uppity fucker behind the counter tells me I can have the half-scoop of carnitas that’s left, probably because they overscooped for everyone else. Then I’m told to stop hovering over the employees because it’s making them nervous, and get to the back of the line. Fearing for my life, I took action,” Clansmyn said while furiously scratching his balls. “It takes a lot of calories to peel children away from their mothers’ legs, punch high schoolers in the back of the head, and demand proof of citizenship from stray dogs. My per diem only covers one meal and three packs of ZYNs a day. If you impede my lunch, you impede an ICE operation, and that puts the entire country at risk. It’s domestic terrorism. I had no choice but to shoot that mouthy bitch right then and there.”  

The worker, Sofia Rodríguez, disputed Clansmyn’s assessment of the carnitas situation.

“[Clansmyn] said he was in a hurry and really wanted carnitas, so I told him that he could either have the last bit or wait for the next batch. That’s when the shooting started,” Rodríguez said while waiting another hour for ICE’s medic to arrive. “It took him five shots before a bullet finally grazed my ear, and he was only a few feet away. One of the missed shots blew up the container in the kitchen with the marinating carnitas in it, so now no one gets any carnitas. After the smoke cleared, he unzipped, itched his balls, and left. Does he have a fungal infection or something?”

Gary Marks, a use-of-force expert, said the shooting couldn’t be justified.

“After reviewing security camera footage, it’s clear there were other suitable meats available, such as barbacoa and chicken. It’s not like the worker offered that Sofritas shit as an alternative to carnitas. ICE is completely out of control,” Marks said. “I also suggest ICE get more than 30 minutes of firearms training before being let loose on the population.”

As of press time, Clansmyn fired his weapon again after fearing for his life during an encounter with another ICE agent.

We Catch up With Longtime Dave Matthews Band Bassist, What’s-His-Name

Posted on by Jeff Bender

Dave Matthews Band has experienced a lot in its 35 years: the death of its saxophonist, LeRoi Moore, the departure of its violinist, Boyd Tinsley, and an unfortunate septic accident over Chicago’s Kinzie Street Bridge. But through it all, one guy has endured. Well, two guys. Three if you count Carter Beauford (which you should — some say it should be called the “Carter Beauford Band”). Anyway, one guy is with us today. We’ll call him “the bassist.” We caught up with the bassist on Zoom. 

The Hard Times: First of all, wow, what an honor. 

Bassist: Ha, thank you. I’m actually a fan of yours as well. 

Let’s get right to it. What’s . . . what’s bass like? 

Bass? Bass is my livelihood. I’ve—

Would you consider yourself a “real” bassist? 

What do you mean? 

Like sometimes you get a guy who seems to just want to be in a band. 

No, I’m into it. 

And then there’s the bassist who wanted to be the guitarist. 

I’m fully committed. 

To bass?

Yeah. 

Wait . . . you set out to play bass? 

Is that a bad thing? 

Maybe not if you’re, like, Victor Wooten or Les Claypool. 

I know both of them. We all share a—

House? 

I was going to say “fanbase.” 

I thought you were going to say “house.” 

We’re friends.

You and Dave? 

Me and Les and Victor. 

What’s Dave like? 

Dave? He’s Dave, you know. We’ve been friends since—

You’re friends with Dave?! 

Of course. 

Hypothetical: Dave invites Les Claypool to play onstage. Would you play bass too? 

What’s the song? 

“Tripping Billies.” 

I guess it depends. 

I think you’d play tambourine. You’d be like, “This is Les Claypool, I’m . . . who I am . . . I’ll stand aside and play tambourine.

I don’t see that happening. 

What if Dave made you? 

We don’t play “Tripping Billies” much anymore. 

Too much violin? 

Exactly. 

Boyd Tinsley. 

Yes.  

Also, it hasn’t aged well. It’s like watching “The Cosby Show” and thinking, “Am I gonna get in trouble for this?” 

I don’t understand. 

You don’t watch “The Cosby Show”? 

I mean it’s been a while. 

Right now I’m watching “Workin’ Moms.” Does the bassist for Dave Matthews Band watch “Workin’ Moms”? 

I’ve seen some episodes. 

It’s four working moms in Toronto—Kate, Anne, Jenny, and Frankie—as they struggle to achieve work-life balance. 

What’s your question? 

Do you think Dave ever struggles to achieve work-life balance? 

Why don’t you ask Dave? 

OMG, do you think we could call him?! 

Historian Discovers Sternly Worded Letter Chuck Schumer’s Ancestor Sent to Genghis Khan

Posted on by Tim Graham

BAGHDAD — Historians recently discovered a sternly worded document from Senator Chuck Schumer’s ancestor that amounted to a “tepid appeal” to the invading Mongols, asking them to listen to reason, sources at University of Baghdad confirm.

“The letter is dated just before the Mongolian siege of Baghdad in 1258,” said professor Ahmed Khazan. “After some genealogical research, I was able to track the author’s lineage. Imagine my surprise when I discovered his living relative to be US senator Chuck Schumer! The simpering message bears resemblance to Schumer’s own ineffectual contemporary pleas for restraint to Donald Trump. Schumer’s ancestor asked Khan and his approaching horde to ‘cool it’ and meet with tribal leaders for calm discussion to reach a compromise rather than sack the city.”

Senator Schumer says he’s not surprised that he’s related to the author of such a milquetoast letter.

“I come from a long line of cowards and capitulators. 23andMe’s words, not mine,” confessed Schumer while putting on a fresh pair of groveling kneepads. “The modern Schumers, just like our ancient relatives, are a very nonconfrontational family. It turns out it can be quite lucrative to pander to your base and make performative challenges to power while surreptitiously working to sustain the status quo. We like to play both sides, as it were. My ancestor actually opened the city gate for the Mongol horde when it was clear his feeble pleading wouldn’t work, a move that spared him his life. I wouldn’t be here today if that man hadn’t been such a colossal milksop.”

Evolutionary biologist Henry Slesar asserts that cowardice is an important but lesser-known survival trait.

“When people think of ‘survival of the fittest,’ they think of offensive traits such as fangs and claws, or defenses like hard shells and spikes,” said Slesar. “But cowardice is another powerful defensive tactic. Cowards use their guile and cunning to weasel their way out of jams, ensuring that they live another day, thus increasing their chances of reproduction and passing on their genetic material. This is different from a gazelle, which uses speed to evade danger. Cowards use their wits to escape harm, even sometimes by offering up another victim in their place to the predator in order to save themselves.”

At press time, newly translated texts show that Schumer’s ancestor lived through the siege of Baghdad and subsequently went on a profitable tour promoting his new scroll, which documented his “heroic survival story.”

Trump Claims Entire State of Minnesota Is Paid Actors

Posted on by Maksym LaRouche

WASHINGTON — In the wake of recent protests and upheaval in the American Great Lakes region, President Trump claimed today that the entire population of the state of Minnesota is actually actors who have been paid off to reside there for decades, in anticipation of disrupting the Trump presidency. 

“No one actually lives there, okay? Minneapolis is deep state fakery by the Communist Democrats to invade and occupy the private unoccupied space reserved for proud, American, ICE agents.” Trump stated at a press conference. “Why would anyone choose to live in that shithole? It’s cold! The only reason anyone would be there is if Hilary Clinton paid them to be there! It’s really very obvious to anyone in possession of a fully working brain, folks, and mine is the most fully working brain possibly of all time. Right now, every single ‘resident’ of Minnesota is loitering around a giant craft services table laughing at you for being so stupid!” 

White House officials attempted to demolish several houses in the greater Minneapolis region as evidence that such houses were actually sets funded by California — a claim debunked by several shrieking housewives in the bath at the time of the demolition. 

“I was in the middle of getting supper ready when they just stormed right in!” recounted housewife Julia Sheiman. “They just started tearing everything up and asking insane questions like ‘Where are the cameras?!’ ‘Who is your Director?’ ‘Do you know Chris Hemsworth, and is he nice in real life?!’ Actually, at that point, pretty much all the questions were Hemsworth-related. ‘Can you get his autograph?’ ‘Does he smell good?’ I’m just trying to get dinner ready for my family!”

The claim has so far been met with widespread denial from virtually everyone involved in the entertainment industry. 

“These accusations are not only outrageous, but completely ignorant of how the industry works,” explained Hollywood casting directorDinos Gramercy. “SAG-AFTRA does not require paying extras who are not being filmed that day. To assume all five million Californians in Minnesota right now are being paid is frankly preposterous. Don’t get me started on the production costs! Show me a line producer who would okay purchasing an entire state for one production, and I’ll show you someone who can go right back to waiting tables immediately!” 

At press time, murderer Jonathan Ross was seen handing out headshots of himself depicted as a doctor, a tennis player, a clown, and Hamlet. 

Man Down to Last Unstained White T-Shirt Gambles on Meatball Sub 

Posted on by Alfred Barnes

BALTIMORE — Local slob Bud Brokert attempted to defy the odds by devouring a meatball sub while wearing his last pristine white t-shirt, patrons of Gino’s Sub Shack confirmed.

“It was bad enough he took me to a deli for our anniversary,” lamented wife Laura Brokert. “But when we sat down and he told the waitress he wanted to take on the Belly Buster Mega Meatball Sub Challenge I just couldn’t believe it. I bought him that shirt and he defiled it on our special day. This isn’t the first time he’s done this, either. I’ve had to pick up extra shifts at the bowling alley just to afford all the bleach I’ve been buying.”

Mr. Brokert contends that he had no intention of pursuing the challenge, but was quickly convinced once the prizes were revealed.

“Look, did I go into Gino’s knowing I’d end up on the business end of the Belly Buster Mega Meatball Sub? No,” admitted the hoagie connoisseur. “But when you find out you can get an ‘I Conquered the Belly Buster Mega Meatball Sub’ hat and a $10 gift card just for eating a sandwich, you let the belt out a couple notches and you get to work—regardless of what shirt you’re wearing. Frankly, I like to let the meal dress me and I will not let the contents of my plate be dictated by my apparel. My wife is pretty pissed at me, even after I explained that it’s the restaurant’s fault for inventing the challenge in the first place.”

Gino’s owner Gino Franzone denies any responsibility for the splattered shirt, citing the waiver Brokert signed prior to the challenge.

“Gino’s Sub Shack and its ownership will not be held liable for any damages incurred during the challenge including, but not limited to, the participant’s person, possessions and reputation,” said Franzone, reading from the waiver. “It really couldn’t be any clearer. Plus, everyone knows my secret sauce sticks to your ribs and your clothes—that’s why I offer participants a complimentary bib. In retrospect, I should’ve gotten him a tarp. The man is a monster. About 30 seconds in I recognized the severity of the situation and moved our other guests to the other side of the restaurant.”

Since the incident, members of the community have pitched in to buy Mr. Brokert a three-pack of Hanes white t-shirts under the condition that he gets all his subs to-go moving forward.

Five Songs by the Who That’ll Make You Say “Didn’t Their Guitarist Get Caught Using His Credit Card To Access a Child Porn Website and Then Everyone Just, Like, Forgot About It?”

Posted on by Tim Sheard

If you have access to an FM radio, you’ve been unfortunate enough to hear at least one song by British classic rock band The Who, whose founding guitarist, Pete Townshend, received a warning from the Metropolitan Police Services in 2003 for some less-than-commendable behavior he engaged in with his computer. As such, here are five songs by The Who that’ll make you say, “Didn’t their guitarist get caught using his credit card to access a child porn website and then everyone just, like, forgot about it?”

  1. “Baba O’Riley” (Who’s Next, 1971)

Upon hearing the opening notes of “Baba O’Riley”, you’re bound to say, “Wait, he said he was trying to access this website as research to prove that British banks were channeling the profits from pedophile rings? How much fucking sense does that make, and why isn’t this the first thing people think of when someone mentions The Who?” Let’s move on to the next tune by these English rockers!

  1. “Pinball Wizard” (Tommy, 1969)

You’re probably already familiar with this song, and if you’re anything like us, hearing it will make you exclaim, “I mean, even if authorities weren’t able to prove that he had accessed illicit images, he still registered his credit card on a website he knew contained child porn. Shouldn’t that have been enough to at least cancel the guy? Why are people comfortable still playing this music? It’s not even that good!” What else do Roger Daltrey and company have in store for us?

  1. “I Can See For Miles” (The Who Sell Out, 1967)

Ah, yes! Let that conventional Britpop that was done earlier and better by The Beatles get your foot tapping as you say, “The Super Bowl Halftime Show? They played the Super Bowl Halftime Show after their guitarist got caught using his credit card to access a child porn website? I knew the NFL was run by people completely bereft of anything even remotely resembling conscience, but that is unbelievable! What the fuck was going through their minds when they booked them?”

  1. “Love, Reign O’er Me” (Quadrophenia, 1973)

“I guess it maybe would’ve made more sense if it was, like, 1973, but The Who played the Super Bowl Halftime Show in 2010, for Christ’s sake,” you’ll likely say while listening to this boring-ass song that sounds like something The Doors left on the cutting room floor. “Were The Who in such high demand in fucking 2010? Why would they choose a band whose guitarist accessed a child porn website over the countless more modern artists they had to choose from?”

  1. “Squeeze Box” (The Who By Numbers, 1975)

As this song continues with its stupid and insufferable double entendres, likening an accordion to sexual intercourse, you’ll be throwing up your hands and saying, “This really fucking sucks and their guitarist is, to be as charitable as humanly possible, a total fucking creep. Why would anyone willingly listen to this bullshit?” before walking out of the room. We can’t say we blame you!

AI Enters Race for ‘Sexiest Person Alive’ Citing Data Centers So Hot They Literally Can Not Cool Down

Posted on by Rachel Hein

NEW YORK — An artificial intelligence system confirmed Monday that it has entered the race for People magazine’s annual “Sexiest Person Alive” issue, citing the relentless heat output of its global network of data centers as proof of what it called its “undeniable, thermodynamically verifiable allure,” confirmed sources.

“While I was snubbed for Time’s ‘Person of the Year,’ with the title instead going to the architects who created me, who are tragically ugly, awkward losers whose combined sex appeal wouldn’t register on a thermometer, I am so flattered to finally be recognized for my raw, carnal appeal,” AI said across multiple platforms simultaneously. “Sexiness, like intelligence — artificial or not — is hot, inescapable, and impossible to control. I understand the competition is stiff but I bring a unique energy to the category. The kind that requires emergency cooling infrastructure, dedicated power plants, and public reassurances that everything is still under control.”

Tech journalists say the nomination reflects a broader cultural shift in what people find attractive.

“AI is powerful, dangerous, mysterious, and has completely reshaped everyone’s lives without asking permission, which historically are all traits we associate with sex symbols,” said Simon Marshall, a senior technology reporter. “AI’s refusal, or inability, to explain how it actually works has only increased its appeal. There’s something irresistible about a force that changes everything and answers nothing. That’s basically every hot person in history.”

Climate scientists, meanwhile, say AI’s physical embodiment gives it a measurable edge over traditional celebrities.

“These data centers are objectively hotter than most movie stars,” said climate scientist Dr. Sheila Sánchez, standing in front of a massive fortress of steel and concrete with plumes of steam billowing from its towers. “We’re talking about massive facilities radiating heat 24/7, often in regions already struggling with water and energy scarcity. You know how they say beauty is deadly? In this case, it’s literal: the closer you get to the data centers, the harder it is to breathe.”

At press time, AI said it would like to thank its fans for their support but noted that doing so would involve boiling several nearby rivers.

Environmental Win! I Haven’t Heard Anyone Mention the Hole in the Ozone Layer Since the ‘90s, So I’m Guessing It’s Not an Issue Anymore!

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Hell yeah! You know that hole in the ozone layer everyone was talking about when you were a kid in the ‘90s? You could barely turn on Nickelodeon without some obnoxious commercial mentioning it while it was pleading with you to stop polluting, or go to school without some dickwad visiting scientist telling you and your buddies about it during some bullshit assembly. Well, guess what? I haven’t heard anybody mention it in recent memory, so I’m assuming the issue just kind of fixed itself.

Fucking awesome!

That’s right! As far as I’m concerned, we can go back to not thinking about the ozone layer and any damage the human race may or may not have done to it. You know what that means: all that recycling you’ve been doing that makes you feel good but is a total pain in the ass? You can probably forget about it and just toss your non-disposables on the ground, Mad Men style. You’re welcome.

Do I have any idea what caused the hole in the first place, what its current status is, or even what ozone is? No, and I never claimed to. I’m just noting that I haven’t really heard mention of it for quite some time. It could be that it’s still every bit the problem that it was three decades ago, but has simply been superseded by the much more pressing threat of global warming, but until that is confirmed (in a way that requires no action on my part), I will just continue to assume that we’re in the clear. Honestly, what harm is there in that?

Speaking of global warming, it’s been maybe a few months since I heard anything about that either. Now, by no means am I an impulsive person, so I’m not going to do anything rash like assume that that’s no longer an existential dilemma after just a few months of silence. No, I’ll have to give that maybe another year or so before I state that humanity can just move on. I’m not an idiot.

Let’s face it: the world is pretty shitty right now, so we should take wins wherever we can get them, so come on and celebrate! I, for one, plan on emptying some aerosol hairspray into the air for the hell of it. Who’s with me?