When HBO’s “Tales from the Crypt” was on the air, we didn’t know how good we had it. The campy anthology horror series frequently featured some of the best talent money could buy—A-list actors, directors, and writers letting loose and having a ball left and right. We didn’t appreciate it for what it was at the time, because we were too distracted by the “brief nudity” warning that proceeded every episode.
If you were a 12-year-old attracted to women growing up before the internet, your entire goal in life was seeing boobs. A single glimpse was worth bragging about at the lunch table for weeks to come.
We’ve channeled our inner 12-year-old (it’s not hard for us) and ranked the top 30 episodes of this iconic series that we stayed up past curfew to watch in the desperate hope of seeing breasts for 5 seconds.
30. People Who Live in Brass Hearses
“Tales from the Crypt” is known for its puns, but you gotta respect putting one right there in the title of the episode. That being said, this one was a letdown, brief nudity-wise. You know there were boobs on set. Bill Paxton and Brad Dourif? They were probably beating off boobies left and right just to get to and fro. I bet they even had a cool nickname for themselves, like the Boobie Brothers or something. Would it have killed you to put just one of those boobs on camera HBO? Our free weekend ends tonight, thanks for nothing!
29. What’s Cookin’
No boobs. Superman is in it, but he doesn’t fly or anything. Zero stars.
28. The Ventriloquist’s Dummy
If you’re gonna have a horror anthology show, you gotta have a couple creepy doll episodes. This particular one features an embarrassment of riches when it comes to talent. Directed by Richard Donner, co-written by “The Shawshank Redemption” scribe Frank Darabont, and starring legendary insult comic Don Rickles playing against Bobcat Goldthwait. It’s a stacked episode, except when it comes to stacks. Not a single boob in the whole damn thing. I stayed up past 11 on a school night for this?!
27. None but the Lonely Heart
This was Tom Hanks’ directorial debut, and we have just one note: boobs! Come on man, you were in “Bachelor Party,” you know how this works! It’s a satisfying ‘con-man meets macabre demise’ tale, but since it revolves around a black widower targeting rich old women, it’s almost impossible to masturbate to. 2 stars.
26. Collection Completed
Over the years we’ve come to respect the hell out of character actor M Emmet Walsh’s work. At the age of 12, staying up past bedtime with HBO on mute literally praying to see breasts, we hated him. One look at him and we thought “Great, another boobless episode of “Tales from the Crypt,” why do they even do these?!”
25. Television Terror
There was a time in this country when hard-hitting shock-journalists dominated the media landscape. In this episode, we meet reporter Horton Rivers, who is filming on location at a supposedly haunted house. What does his crew find? Not a single goddamn boob that’s what. Big points for incorporating the found footage horror style years before “The Blair Witch Project” but if there’s one thing a sleazy early ’90s journalist should understand it’s “sex sells.”
24. Showdown
Another Richard Donner/Frank Darabont collaboration sees an old west gunslinger confronted by the ghosts of his past. Well, apparently no one in this dude’s past had big ol’ titties. Negative 4 stars.
23. Top Billing
We had high hopes that “top billing” was a trademark Crypt Keeper pun of some kind, and that the episode would feature lots of babes tops. As soon as the name Jon Lovitz came on the screen we knew that could not be the case. Jon plays an annoying actor who can’t get a part because of his looks (big stretch) and decides to murder his competition. We turned it off halfway through to see if we could make out any action from the static on the Spice channel.
22. The Switch
A rich elderly man undergoes an experimental procedure to make himself young again in order to satisfy his much younger girlfriend. Okay, we get that not all of these can have boobs in them, even at 12 we understood it’s a roll of the dice, but this one was directed by Arnold Schwarzenegger! The guy who gave us 3 breasted women in “Total Recall!” Thanks a lot, Governator, how am I supposed to pump my iron to some young bodybuilder with William Hickey’s voice?
21. Two for the Show
This might be the first thing Traci Lords was in where she doesn’t show her boobs. This one hurt.
20. Split Second
Ugh, I don’t know, this one looked like it was gonna have boobs like there was this hot lady on top of this lumberjack guy and they were doing sex stuff in their underwear, but then I heard my mom come down the stairs so I had to change the channel and pretend to be asleep. Thanks mom. Lame.
19. Beauty Rest
A tale of jealousy and murder set in the modeling world that somehow manages to lack even the briefest of nudity. Really dropped the ball here Mr. Crypt Keeper.
18. Easel Kill Ya
Tim Roth stars as Jack Craig, a struggling artist who can still afford a huge studio space because it’s a TV show. When Jack finds that only his most macabre paintings sell he realizes he has no choice but to kill for inspiration. It’s an interesting commentary on our obsession with death and the role of the artist, which raises a lot of questions. Questions like “Why couldn’t he just paint boobies?” This episode could be wall-to-wall boobs, and then like a ghost or whatever, but sadly they went a different way. There is a sex scene where you do see a lady’s butt which is super cool, but her nips stay just out of frame. 2 stars.
17. Four-Sided Triangle
A farmer tries to sleep with a blackmailed semi-captive girl on his farm by exploiting her mental illness. It’s a pretty messed up plot, but when it first aired and we were in middle school we thought the plot was just “Patricia Arquette is in a wet tank top.” Anyway, he gets what’s coming to him.
16. Fitting Punishment
A miserly and abusive funeral home owner takes in his nephew after his parents are killed in an accident. The boy clashes with his uncle over his miserly habits, like stealing the corpse’s gold teeth and embalming them with tap water. When he threatens to go to the police the mortician murders him, which is a big mistake in “Tales from the Crypt” and sure enough his nephew’s ghost comes back for revenge. It’s a thrilling episode and the parts where we weren’t frantically scanning the screen for a nipple had us on the edge of our seat. In other words, at no point were we on the edge of our seats.
Sorry to any “Hymns” truthers out there, but one of these has to rank last. This one is the clear winner of the categorically worst. It’s not the most inferior piece of music you’ve ever heard. It’s just that when you’re listening to it you’re reminded that you could be spending your time with other more satisfying Bloc Party releases that made you fall in love with them in the first place. Life is too short to listen to a band’s sixth-best album.
“Alpha Games” may be their latest full-length album but, perhaps surprisingly, it contains some legitimate classics from the band. All you have to do to identify them is listen to more than the 10 seconds of each track that you did when you first perused this album. How dare you skim a Bloc Party album. Show some damn respect.
With Bloc Party’s fourth official release, we see the band evolve yet again, despite some fans’ desire to keep them in a little box that just has the year “2005” written on it. The album still contains energetic and eloquent songs like they always do, but this release also gets heavier at times with songs like “Kettling,” “We Are Not Good People,” and “So He Begins to Lie.” At this point, it’s almost like Bloc Party is showing off how much they can evolve in a single lifetime. Stop making us all feel bad for not changing our ways or trying new things in decades.
If we were ranking Bloc Party album covers by horniness, this one would easily win. Unfortunately, we’re judging on musicianship here. With “Intimacy,” Bloc Party seemed to have combined the raw energy of “Silent Alarm” with the technological advances of “A Weekend in the City.” The result is a nice compromise of what Bloc Party fans want (more “Silent Alarm”) and what Bloc Party actually wants (I have no idea. Something with electronics maybe?). Either way, this one is more enjoyable than what some curmudgeons might have you believe.
The further you dig into Bloc Party’s discography, the more you realize their B-side game is one of the strongest in music history. And one of the greatest parts about “A Weekend in the City” is the tracks they recorded that didn’t even make the cut. It’s almost like the band has a terrible gauge of which of their songs actually belong on the main album. Finally, we figured out something Bloc Party is bad at and a weakness in their process.
Good lord no. Beard or no beard any threesome involving First Officer Riker would be a nightmare. Best case scenario he rebukes your advances and reminds you “On this ship we do sex by the book!” Worse case, he’s all horned up and agrees. You walk into his quarters and he greets you in a silk robe that is way, way too short, even for sex. Riker is definitely the kind of guy who serves raw oysters to people he’s about to fuck, so there’s that to deal with. Then when you think he’s finally going to get down to business, out comes the “seductive” jazz trombone. How this lame hack ever wound up with Deanna Troi we’ll never know, but don’t make her mistake!
Well, first off, we’re pretty sure Wesley is underage during the entire run of TNG, so that’s a hard no. Even if he wasn’t though, he would still be a bit too uh, you know… Wesleyish. This character basically existed as a way for Gene Roddenberry to insert himself into Star Trek, do you really want to let him insert himself into your relationship? A quick Google search into Roddenberry’s personal life and attitude towards women will tell you no, hell no you do not.
You don’t want your first threeway to be with a know-it-all, especially one who cuts your hair.
Anyone who can’t see the basic humanity in Data is not emotionally equipped for healthy group sex.
Sex with any Klingon carries certain risks, both due to their temperament and, probably, their anatomy. You’ve seen their foreheads, imagine what they’re working with down there! Add to that the fact that Gowron is a politician through and through, with, presumably, the deviant appetites of the elite, the rewards here are just not worth the risks.
She slept with Riker despite being the only character to adequately hate them, and while both parties suffered memory loss at the time, you just can’t trust those instincts.
Reginald acts out self-aggrandizing sexual fantasies with copies of his co-workers on the holodeck, and that’s just the part of his depravity they allowed on television in the early ’90s. You don’t want to know how far Reg’s rabbit hole goes.
Half Klingon, half human, all woman. Talk about a total K.I.L.F. K’Ehleyr identifies more with her human side and tries hard to keep those explosive klingon tendancies in check, until she finds herself in a combat situation or, presumably, the bedroom.
The main difference between Romulans and Vulcans is that Romulans fucking FUCK. None of that life of quiet meditation and mate every seven years nonsense. While undoubtedly a skilled cocksman, Tomalak can be duplicitous and deceitful. Don’t just take his word that he’s tested and had a vasectomy in college.
Geordi is the kind of guy who would talk a big game leading up to the threesome but at the end of the day, he’s a try-hard clingy mess who has no idea what he’s doing romantically. Get a few more at-bats under your belt and we’ll talk, okay Geordie? No, holodeck girls don’t count.
Well, he did win Counselor Troi over, so he must be doing something right in the bedroom. Then again, so did Riker. As a Klingon raised by Russian humans, Worf is out of place wherever he goes, and even the most basic emotional situations can make him flush with awkwardness. Get a few Romulan ales in him and he might be fun, but the breakfast would be excruciating.
While presumably equipped with the same sexual functionality and flawless mechanical stroke as his brother Data, Lore’s unstable emotional matrix makes him a selfish lover.
Miles is a great guy and probably a fine lover, but we have a hard time believing that the most Irish man in space is open-minded toward things like group sex.
