MAGA Christian Reminds Himself of Core Values With “What Would Jefferson Davis Do” Bracelet

Posted on by Matt Husser

LEXINGTON, Ky. — Self-proclaimed MAGA Christian Cullen Monroe took a moment to remind himself of his core values today with a quick glance at his “What Would Jefferson Davis Do” bracelet, sources confirmed.

“We live in a divided nation, and there are times when I lose sight of what it means to be a good MAGA-faithful Christian in today’s crazy world. But when I need a little clarity, all I have to do is look at my WWJDD bracelet and ask myself, ‘What would the man who firmly believed in the institution of slavery do?'” said Monroe, admiring his Confederate Flag Crucifix necklace. “I mean it can be hard to know how to treat all the immigrants, feminists, transgenders and DEI folks out there, but I just need to remind myself that moral guidance will come from the big man upstairs who is always looking over me: The President of the Confederacy.”

Megachurch preacher Harland Tillman was thrilled to hear that the bracelets he sold were making such an impact on his congregation at the Stonewall Community Church.

“With all the cancel culture and satanic liberal nonsense out there, it’s important to remember the source of our righteous values. Each bracelet contains five letters that deliver a reminder of a humble man who was ahead of his time, until he was unfairly crucified for his beliefs that were ultimately proven right in the eyes of history and the Lord,” said Tillman, passing out the gold-plated collection basket. “Now one of these fine WWJDD bracelets can be yours for any of my faithful congregation that donates $100 or more today to help us spread the teachings of the Master, the Worker, and the Holy States Rights.”

White House Spokesperson and former “America’s Next Top Militia” host Gunther Solomon announced that President Trump mandated that WWJDD bracelets would become standard attire for all government employees.

“The President has declared upon high that the WWJDD bracelets represent our nation’s traditional Christian values, and has decided to make a $400 million investment to outfit every civil servant in America,” said Solomon. “Elon Musk’s DOGE department has assured that they’ll be able to find that money by shuttering wasteful SNAP and Medicaid programs utilized by the nation’s underclass of freeloading poors.”

At press time, President Trump reportedly signed an executive order adding the Ten Commandments to every public school classroom, with a proposed Eleventh Commandment that stated, “Thou Shalt Not Forget the South Will Rise Again.”

Heartbreaking: Ghost Of Elliott Smith Still Too Shy To Haunt People

Posted on by Kyle Donley

As we all know by now, heaven and hell do not exist, God is a figment of our collective imagination, and all religion is horseshit. When you die you become a ghost, simple as that. Your primary objective as a ghost? To haunt people. While there is undoubtedly a learning curve, most notably portrayed in such prophetic films as Ghost and Ghost Dad, a majority of all ghosts are able to get the hang of it after 6-8 months. But in the curious case of indie rock darling Elliott Smith, 22 years of ghostdom has produced scant results.

In his mortal form, Elliott quickly established himself as a talented singer-songwriter with a knack for sensitive, heartfelt lyrics and melodies that at times could evoke the Beatles or the Kinks. But in the afterlife, Elliott has proven to be hella weak at haunting people.

“That sensitive guy shit does not fly out here,” an anonymous spirit whispered to me in an abandoned burn ward. “Most of these singer-songwriter types struggle at first, but eventually get the hang of it. Like that dude from Sparklehorse has all these dank-ass chains now that he rattles. And Nick Drake is basically the Michael Jordan of haunting in our realm, he’s that good.”

Smit, on the other hand, has not acclimated to ghost life well at all. Being aloof and apathetic may have served as a boon for him in the ‘90s but these traits are anathema in ghost culture because ghosts are already invisible. Years of stage fright have seemingly manifested into what ghost psychologists refer to as crippling haunt-fright. Instead of joining his ghost colleagues in games of merriment and terrifying spooks, he just fingerpicks his ghost guitar all day, which is totally pointless because the strings are invisible and make no sound.

Indeed, over the past two decades, records indicate he has only been credited to a measly 1.5 haunts — a dog that he didn’t mean to scare and the bass player for Built To Spill who he kinda thought was a dick. Sadly, the Silverlake home where he stabbed himself in the chest, most ghosts’ bread and butter, remains unhaunted and reportedly houses a perfectly content Vietnamese family.

His anti-social behavior and disengagement in the ghost community has led critics to wonder if he could possibly be at risk of ghostbusting himself. The question weighs heavy on my heart but for now the truth remains — we ain’t afraid of no ghost named Elliott Smith.

Guy With Self-Esteem Issues Only Sings Along to Background Vocals

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

MACON, Ga. — Local doormat Howard Logue showcased his clear lack of self-confidence by singing only the background vocals of a recent karaoke performance, sources hanging their heads in disbelief confirmed.

“Well, I know it might be a bit confusing to anyone watching, but I’ve just always felt a lot more comfortable hanging in the wings. So, when punk rock karaoke night started up at my neighborhood bar, I went straight to the Bad Religion tracks, and let loose every few minutes along with the ‘oozin ahhs,’ y’know?” whimpered Logue, while he stood a healthy distance away. “Don’t people just come there to get wasted anyway? Why should anyone care that I can only belt the background stuff? In fact, why should anyone care about me at all, in any capacity? I, as I established earlier, suck.”

Regular barflys were baffled as to why such a wimp would take the stage at all.

“It just seemed like so much effort for so little payoff. You stand around until your name is called and then you bark a few scant ‘heys’ or ‘la la las’ in front of a load of people who are just scratching their heads. Seems like you could do that from your seat without causing the uproar it did,” said karaoke jockey Fran ‘Flakey’ Florentino. “Pretty soon we’re gonna have freaks going up there to just mime to the ride cymbal part, or just the spoken-word breakdowns or some shit. Lord help me. I’m surrounded by Andy Kaufman wannabes, over here! What a nightmare!”

Professional psychoanalyst Dr. Faye Pernick theorizes that Logue’s affliction is more widespread than initially thought.

“Many of those lacking in self-esteem or overall confidence, when given the chance, will still seek out the limelight, but just at a safe distance where they can scurry away into the shadows at the first sign of embarrassment,” said Dr. Pernick, who specializes in the treatment of “wusses and pushovers.” “This can manifest itself in activities such as driving from literally the backseat, with your hands reaching over the driver’s seat or, in this case, singing along to only the background vocals, because you believe, in your heart of hearts, that you don’t deserve the lead part. It’s a wild time to be a weakling.”

At press time, the audience revealed an even meeker man with even deeper self-esteem issues who was too bashful to “boo” Logue.

Five Songs We’re Listening To This Week Before Trump Places a 100% Tariff On Alternative Music

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Even though the stock markets are in chaos and the economy seems on the brink of complete collapse, thanks to our society’s gradual but persistent devaluation of art, we can always count on music to be basically free. That being said, it’s only a matter of time before the government figures out a way to make all music that isn’t Morgan Wallen prohibitively expensive. Before that happens, here are five duty-free songs we listened to this week.

Wet Leg ‘Catch These Fists’

It’s estimated that Wet Leg have played ‘Chaise Lounge’ over 5,000,000 times since its release. Considering the weight of that Sysiphian task, it’s no surprise the band have finally announced their hotly anticipated new album, ‘Moisturizer.’ It’s led by the single ‘Catch These Fists.’ Sure, it may not have quite the hypnotic appeal of the band’s aforementioned breakthrough single, the band’s trademark monotone vocals and looping riffs are sure to leave you dazed out on your floor even more than you usually are.

Car Seat Head Rest ‘CCF (I’m Gonna Stay With You)’

Judging by the 8 minute runtime of Car Seat Head Rest’s latest single, ‘CCF (I’m Gonna Stay With You),’ the title reads a bit like a threat. Anything that close to the 10 minute mark might as well be forever, and let’s not forget their last single was nearly 12 minutes long. Suffice to say, lead singer and songwriter Will Toledo isn’t fucking around on this run. The track is part of the band’s forthcoming and seemingly epic album ‘The Scholars,’ which, at this rate, is expected to be about 3 hours long.

BABYMETAL (ft. Poppy) ‘from me to u’

Imagine the Chuck E. Cheese animatronic band discovering cocaine while simultaneously enlisting the Powerpuff Girls to fill out the lineup. The chaotic sound you are hearing is probably pretty close to the Japanese kawaii metal outfit BABYMETAL’s trademark fusion of pop and metal. To up the ante a bit on their already batshit sound, they’ve tapped in Poppy – who, along with Knocked Loose, terrified national television audiences last summer – for guest vocals on their latest single, ‘from me to u.’ It’s as intense as it is confounding.

Dynamite ‘Hardcore Pride’

Dynamite’s last EP, ‘Blow The Bloody Doors Off,’ was a startling who’s who of modern hardcore royalty, featuring appearances from members of Royal Vis and Turnstile just to name a couple. To say Dynamite’s star was on the rise would already be an understatement, but it’s now an undisputable fact with the release of their latest EP, ‘Settle The Score.’ The whole thing sounds like it was written and recorded in less than 15 minutes so the members wouldn’t be late to five unrelated knife fights. Hit play on the opening track ‘Hardcore Pride’ and try not to have a heart attack.

The Raging Nathans ‘Nick At Nite’

Dayton, Ohio’s The Raging Nathans just dropped their latest single ‘Nick At Nite.’ Though there aren’t any glaring references toward ‘Hi, Honey I’m Home!’ or ‘Turkey Television,’ it’s still a great song for anyone who grew up watching ‘All That’ at 1 a.m. and now has to go to physical therapy for back pain that started in their early 30’s. It’s a cathartic pop-punk tantrum aimed directly at the crushing weight of growing up, nostalgia, and probably your landlord. If you’ve ever cried during a sitcom rerun, congrats, this one’s for you

Want to experience the musical equivalent of filling up three carts at Cost-Co with imported non-perishables before the shit hits the fan? Stock up on every song we’ve listened to so far this year via this ever-growing and chaotic playlist we made.

Sex Worker Who Laughed at Elon Musk’s Penis Labeled Domestic Terrorist in Latest Trump Executive Order

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Local sex worker Jasmine Lawler is facing years behind bars after being labeled a domestic terrorist because she burst out in hysterical laughter when her client Elon Musk undressed in front of her, sources confirmed.

“I’ve known some other women that have kept him company and they have told me he’s usually an easy payday. They said he normally lasts less than a minute, but you have to sit there for a few hours while he tries out new jokes, talks about building his own child army, and yells at photos of his dad,” said Lawler from her prison cell. “But nobody warned me about how weird his penis actually is. It looked like a wad of bubblegum covered in fur. I honestly didn’t understand how it was actually going to get inside of me, I couldn’t help but laugh. That was my downfall, he called Trump right then and there and now I might spend the rest of my life locked up.”

Tesla CEO, and head of the Department of Government Efficiency, says this should be a warning to all his future sexual companions.

“Yep, so, um yep. You either um, get the brains like I have, or you get a large, uh, um, phallus. But listen, I refuse to be humiliated by this. All my future sexual partners will be required to applaud when they see my uh, um, penis. I’ll have my bodyguards watching their facial expressions and if they see any signs of disgust then the woman will be put straight in jail,” said Musk. “But there is also good news. Every week I’ll be giving away a million-dollar check to whichever sex worker cheers the hardest when they see my uh, um, cock. This will incentivize these women even more, and maybe one of them will be lucky enough to carry my seed.”

First Amendment experts fear what the Trump administration might do next.

“It’s well-known that every man in Trump’s orbit is only able to procure sex through transactional means. Sex workers in Washington D.C. report being busier than ever, but they also say they are self-medicating more in order to dissociate. But if these hardworking men and women are being locked up for involuntary laughter then anyone can be thrown in jail,” said James Saxton, a lawyer based in Virginia. “Hack comedians who call the president orange could face fines, people making fat J.D. Vance memes will be outlaws. Free speech as we know it is on the line.”

At press time, a Christian Nationalist group responsible for fire bombing multiple historically Black churches in the South were invited to the White House for a dinner celebrating the idea of patriotism.

The Next Storage Wars? This Guy Is Fighting Ten Other Dudes To Live In a 10×10 Cubesmart Unit

Posted on by Ben Friedman

If you’ve even visited your parents on a weekday afternoon or waited in a doctor’s office, chances are you’ve seen A&E’s hit show “Storage Wars”, which chronicled the exploits of professional resellers bidding on the contents of abandoned storage units. And boy, would these folks get heated trying to outbid each other on units of old wrestling action figures.

Though it’s been off the air for a few years, an exciting reboot is taking place at a CubeSmart in San Bernardino. If you hurry you can see local man Josh Humphry fist fight ten other guys for the right to live in an empty 10×10 CubeSmart unit.

“I overheard a hot tip at the Greyhound station about a vacant unit at the CubeSmart next to the Arby’s. I got there as fast as I could because I know that location has no security and you can easily smash off the padlocks with a hammer. But not even two minutes into prying it open with a crowbar, here ten other guys show up each claiming it’s theirs. I’ve been priced out of every apartment within a 100 mile radius, and I’m not giving this up without a fight.”

This isn’t a battle for someone’s junk, but for free housing! And without a mediator, film crew, or any legal standing this is shaping up to be the most exciting storage unit acquisition since that “Storage Wars” episode when David Hester outbid the whole cast on five units in a single sitting. The biggest difference though is the guys Josh is up against are weidling tire irons.

But why the desperation? Apparently the unit was abandoned when its previous owner died and left a twin mattress behind. Hell, even if it’s empty, what could be better for squatting in? Now that’s something you can’t sell on ebay.

“Half of these guys probably don’t even need this storage unit, they’re just looking for another vacation home or something! They can fight over the pod cubes down the road, I already brought rug to put in this one dammit.”

Sure, none of this is sanctioned by the state of California, but then again the state isn’t exactly doing anyone favors in the affordable housing sector which is why Josh is bashing people’s faces in with a brick he found laying around so he doesn’t have to sleep on a bench.

Now that’s entertainment!

Guitarist’s Pre-show Warm Up Mainly Just Texting “No Worries” to All the People Who Aren’t Coming

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. — Local guitarist and noted pushover Jackson Ermine revealed his customary pre-show ritual consisted of letting everyone he invited know that it’s alright they’re not coming, relieved sources confirmed.

“Yeah, usually I stretch a little, run through a few scales and finger exercises to get the blood flowing, and then I take three or four hours to text back ‘no worries’ to the few dozen friends saying they aren’t going to make it tonight. I’d just feel ‘off’ without that, y’know? Gets me in the proper headspace,” said Ermine, not looking up from his phone. “And sure, I could just send out a mass text or an Instagram story saying it, but they took the time and energy to let me know personally that they wouldn’t be watching me pursue my dreams and passions, so why should I give them any less. It’s a matter of respect, their total lack of respect for me.”

Many of Ermine’s loved ones have gone on record saying blowing off his gigs is a mutually beneficial situation.

“It might seem like we’re being fair-weather friends by standing him up show after show, but trust us, it’s just making him work harder. I think it makes him play better and better each time” said Ermine’s PetSmart coworker Teona Gazzariti. “I say ‘I think’ because, again, I’ve never actually attended one of his shows, and likely never will. But I’ll be damned if I ever forget to let the guy know I won’t be there. The hope he has up for me and all his other friends coming is the only hope he’ll have…who am I to dash them by quietly letting him go about his night none the wiser? I’m not an evil mastermind.”

T-Mobile analytics liaison Harriet Bellflower attests that “no worries” texts create the bedrock of total texts worldwide.

“At any given minute of the day, there are an average of 46.1 musicians worldwide texting their friends ‘that’s cool, next time’ before they play a mostly empty bar show. It’s just solid data.” said Bellflower, as she received one herself, as if on cue. “In fact, and this doesn’t leave this room, if people started showing up for their buddies’ performances, it would single-handedly bankrupt every cell phone company and conglomerate into oblivion, with no hopes of rebuilding. Luckily, it’s clear that will never happen. I’m blowing off three rock shows, a zine-release, and a pot-luck/poetry reading as we speak. At the end of the day, we’re only human.”

At press time, Ermine was frustrated to find that everyone he texted followed up to say they’d be free to get wasted somewhere after, though.

Bored Donald Trump Pardons Jared Fogle for the Hell of It

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump decided on a whim to pardon former Subway spokesperson and confessed serial child molester Jared Fogle, sadly unsurprised sources report.

“It was a pretty slow day today,” said Trump. “Elon’s taking care of most of the work, so I just watched Fox News and ate McDonald’s all morning. I remembered I needed to do something that flexes my presidential muscle so people wouldn’t forget who’s boss, so I pardoned that Subway guy. He seems like a nice enough guy despite those little child predator charges. I mean, the guy managed to convince the whole country that a 12-inch meatball sub is somehow healthy, so I admire his ability to lie under pressure. I also can’t fault him for the sex offenses, either. They didn’t happen under my presidency so they don’t even count.”

Fogle was perhaps the most surprised at the pardon.

“I would’ve campaigned for Trump had I known this was going to happen,” said Fogle as he prepared to leave his prison in Jefferson County, Colorado. “I was actually pretty accustomed to my life behind bars, so now I’m unsure what I’m going to do. Being a Subway spokesperson and showing my former pants on national television are literally my only skills, and I sincerely doubt that place is going to hire me again. Maybe I’ll see if Jersey Mike’s or Firehouse Subs are looking for people to star in their commercials, or, at the very least, hire me as a crew member at one of their locations around here.”

Senior South Carolina senator Lindsay Graham reacted to the latest bit of news he’d be forced to defend.

“This had to happen right before my CNN interview,” Graham sighed as he stared dead-eyed at the wall of his office. “At least if it was on Fox News they wouldn’t even bring it up, but I just know Kaitlan Collins is going to ask me about it. Maybe I could mention Fogle’s past focus on child fitness and say his release is a net positive for society? Ugh, I don’t know. I got into politics because I sincerely believed in conservative ideology. Never in a million years did I think I would be defending a child predator because a talk show host-turned president needlessly pardoned him from prison.”

At press time, Trump decided to make Fogle the new Secretary of Education.

Opinion: As a College English Professor, It Is My Duty To Try and Sleep With Students To Inspire Their First Great Novel About Middle-Aged Men

Posted on by Tim Sheard

My name is Professor Henry Davison. I have been a professor of English for twelve years at Grover Cleveland University here in Ohio. And it’s time to face facts: Everyone is so damn sensitive these days. It’s like nobody remembers that it’s the job of a teacher to mold and motivate his pupils. And this is what I do, the only way I know how. It doesn’t matter if they’re a mousy Freshman woman or a haggard, but still very beautiful grad student, it is my job to try and sleep with my co-eds to inspire their first great novel about middle-aged men.

I am a disciple of the greats: Bukowski, Updike, Wallace. And I am here to tell you there are only two acceptable things to write about in the whole of literature. One is office culture, which I usually tell my male grad students to write about for their first novel. And the other is the sexual liberation and coming of age of forty-year-old men, which I find only a young woman’s perspective can achieve with my careful tutelage.

It’s worked for me, you know. I still remember writing my first novel: Lessons Learned on Bitterbuck Terrace. It’s the story of a young man, just barely thirty-nine, being reintroduced to his love of life by a naïve, but beautiful twenty-two-year old, who helps him gather the strength to leave his mean wife when she tries to make him give up his semi-professional curling league. That’s pure autobiography. It was barely cheating. She gave me an ultimatum. Her or curling. I could’ve gone Olympic if it hadn’t been for my sciatica.

Do my attempts go over well? No. Mostly no. Do I get slapped in the face? A lot. If it was nickels, I’d have at least a dollar the amount of times someone’s hit me. It’s the vicious cycle of being a creative. No one ever understands me. I’m just a young, gleeful, forty-plus-year-old adonis, here to inspire art.

And I know what you’re asking me: Professor, how can you possibly be this cavalier about all this? Doesn’t the nanny state of academia discourage these attempts? Well, you’d be right — in a wrong sort of a way — but let me ask you this: Have you ever tried to fire someone with tenure? You might as well go swim in the desert. But it doesn’t make the slaps hurt less, that’s for sure.

Songwriter’s Dark, Deep, Lonely Creative Process Mostly an Excuse to Get Day Drunk on a Tuesday

Posted on by James Knapp

MANITOWOC, Wis. — Brooding songwriter Evan Stone’s dark, deep, and lonely creative process was seen mostly as an excuse to get day drunk on a Tuesday, sources who are going to have a hell of a hangover tomorrow confirmed.

“Crafting a song is a deep and complex process that explores your rawest emotions at their very core. That’s why I need to be absolutely blasted before I even consider putting pen to paper. It really strips away your filter,” explained Stone. “It’s especially important in the first draft stage. Remember what that one guy said: ‘write drunk, edit sober.’ I’m pretty sure it was Dr. Seuss. Or Roald Dahl. One of those.”

Rick Jacobson, bartender at The Greasy Moose where Stone was exercising his songwriting process, expressed doubt that any progress was actually being made.

“That guy’s been sitting in here for four hours and I think I’ve seen him write down two things in that entire time. Mostly he just stares into the middle distance with a profound look on his face and then orders another shot of Goldschlager,” commented Jacobson. “Not like I really care – people are allowed to do whatever they want as long as it doesn’t make a mess in the bathroom. What bothers me is that I know he’s one of those assholes who is gonna say he’s light on cash and then try to tip me with a poem. Yeah, he has that look about him.”

Notable day drinker, Jawbreaker singer, and patron saint of all things deep, dark, lonely and creative, Blake Schwarzenbach, sympathized with Stone.

“I don’t necessarily wanna say that mindless alcoholism and creativity go hand-in-hand, but while I was writing ‘Dear You’ I started everyday in the studio with a case race against the guitar techs,” stated Schwarzenbach while taking his sweet goddamn time writing any new Jawbreaker material. “The bummer part is, you do actually have to bother to write something once you’ve gotten sloshed. Otherwise you’ve just wasted your time and probably more money than any song you could have crafted would ever even net you.”

At press time, Stone had scribbled the words “Breakup Song?” on his notepad before deciding to take a break to play the bar’s Golden Tee game for a little while.