Why the “Don’t Tread On Me” Bumper Sticker on My Car Means I Don’t Have to Use My Turn Signal

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Move over, cuck! You’re wrong for assuming you’d receive the same courtesy you show to others, because around here, I run the road. I don’t know how they taught you to drive up in Woke Groomer Vermont or wherever it is you’re from, but down here in Western Pennsylvania, those of us who actually show our love for our country on our bumpers are exempt from using their turn signals. Get used to it.

As you very well should already know, turn signals are just another form of governmental oppression, like masks, vaccines, and condoms, and I’ve done just fine without those. Sure, there was that brief two-week stint I spent in intensive care after I went to that amazing Great White concert during a COVID surge, but I think I was just tired. Well, tired and struggling to breathe. We don’t need to get into it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you not see my bumper sticker on my excessively modified Ford F-150? “Don’t Tread On Me” also refers to horn beeps and middle fingers, there, pal, so you’d better be careful. This decal of 6 guns with the words “My Family” on my back window isn’t a feint. Not only am I fully prepared to escalate this situation far beyond what is reasonable, but I am chomping at the bit to do so. Also, I never started a family.

All I did was swerve suddenly into your lane without any warning or indication. It’s not like I did something truly obnoxious like tailgate you excessively or throw empty cans of Monster Energy at the back of your car. I did that to the guy in front of me, and I don’t see him bitching about my driving.

Well, true, he very well may be bitching about my driving from the ditch I ran his car into, but that’s beside the point.

I digress. There’s just no getting through to you libs, so I don’t even know why I bother. Go ahead and use your woke-ass turn signal to your heart’s content. I don’t care. We patriots will continue making the country run, so go ahead to your drag story hour or art history class or whatever. I would say I’m sorry I violated your precious little traffic laws, but you and I both know that would be total bullshit.

Metalhead Carefully Considers Answer For Doctor’s “How Many Drinks Per Week” Question That Won’t Send Him To Rehab But Won’t Make Him Look Like A Loser

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

DENVER — Local metalhead Nick Landon, 35, carefully considered his answer after his primary care physician asked him how many alcoholic drinks he consumes in an average week, confirmed sources in their Jungle Rot boxers on the exam table.

“I began calculating a number that wouldn’t result in me being admitted or, worse, my doctor thinking I’m some loser who just drinks water like some kind of Stryper fan. If I say five, I sound like I have no friends,” Landon whispered to a nurse, eyes darting to a poster about liver health. “But if I tell him the truth—which is probably case, case-and-a-half depending on band practice and whether AEW has a PLE on—I’m gonna find myself forced to talk to a guy named Chad who wants to speak to me about my ‘journey.’ And not Steve Perry’s Journey. So I said 7, maybe 10, I just left out that was per day.”

Dr. Veda Narayanan, who reportedly kept a neutral expression throughout the exam, later told colleagues that she knew Landon’s answer was “distorted” based on the patient’s blood work alone.

“Let’s just say his blood actually smelled like Jägermeister. I’ve seen livers in worse shape, but they were in corpses I dissected in medical school,” Narayanan said, flipping through AA pamphlets. “And this is on top of all the other medical issues he has from not having seen a doctor since his last high school vaccination.

Sociocultural addiction specialist Dr. Amelia Roach explained that this is a common issue with aging metalheads.

“It’s a tightrope. Metalheads in their mid-to-late 30s, still wearing battle vests with patches for bands from before 1997, often have to strike a precarious balance between life and living,” Roach explained. “They don’t want people to be embarrassed to be seen at Maryland Deathfest with them because last year they passed out in the Port-O-Toilet but they also don’t want to be seen as a wet blanket.”

After the check-up, Landon announced he’d be making some changes to his lifestyle. Specifically, he plans to cut back and drink Jack and Diet Cokes from now on.

Gene Simmons Charging Fans $12,500 to Change Colostomy Bag

Posted on by Rob Ryder

LOS ANGELES — KISS bassist and singer Gene Simmons is reportedly charging fans $12,500 for the opportunity to change the God of Thunder’s colostomy bag, disgusted yet intrigued rock fans reported.

“I came up with the idea last time I changed a bag. I tossed the filth-ridden sack of excrement in the trash and thought to myself, that’s gotta be worth something,” said Simmons while signing off on designs for KISS-branded HVAC filters. “The demand for KISS is at an all-time high and this colostomy package is really an amazing opportunity. You get to assist in removing the bag, cleaning the port, and wiping up any excess that gets on the floor. All that for $12,500, and they get to keep the bag! And for an extra thousand bucks, you can watch Ace Frehley get a colonoscopy.”

Dale Martin, a KISS fan since 1981, purchased the colostomy package without fully understanding what he was getting himself into.

“I was on the KISS merch site bidding on a stage-used Les Paul from the Love Gun Tour and just before the auction closed some fucking billionaire outbid me,” said Martin while looking for a frame that complemented his new KISS colostomy bag. “I kinda panicked and just clicked the ‘buy it now’ button on the next item without really checking what it was. It wasn’t exactly my first choice, but ultimately the whole experience was pretty satisfying. Gene didn’t really look at me, but he did make an affirmative grunting sound when I asked him if I needed to pull harder to get the bag off.”

George Frederick, owner of Frederick Medical Supply in North Hollywood, said rock stars have been some of his best customers, but Simmons was someone special.

“You never forget a guy like Gene, he came in my store when the bags his doctor gave him weren’t meeting the KISS standard,” said Frederick while packaging up a shipment of insulin and Valtrex for the upcoming Poison tour. “I can’t blame him really, he wanted the best, and he got the best…the ActiveLife closed-end pre-lubricated colostomy bag, the kind of product KISS fans have come to expect. I’ve sold supplies to all the big named rockers. Billy Idol’s cane, Ozzy’s neck brace, not to mention I’ve kept the Chili Peppers in adult diapers since 1986. But knowing this bag will serve the Demon himself then adorn some lucky fan’s wall is really special.”

At press time, bids on Paul Stanley’s original hip had reached $3,500.

Oh, You’re a Sabaton Fan? Name Three Victories for the Central Powers During World War I

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Hey, you with the Sabaton shirt and the over-manicured facial hair that’d make Tony Stark scoff. A power metal fan, huh? Power metal’s for people who live in a fantasy world — just like Wilhelm II during World War I, who laughably thought the Central Powers were still gonna beat the Allies once the United States joined.

Speaking of: if you like Sabaton, then you should be able to name three victories that the Central Powers had during the First World War.

Go ahead. Germany ’n company won plenty of battles, so this should be simple. After all, Germany spent a good chunk of the Twentieth Century seeing their neighbors as enemies and showing hostility towards them. Cops are forced to do the same thing in order to keep the peace. That’s probably why Sabaton’s vocalist “Jocke” Brodén wears aviators and a wannabe flak jacket. He plays dress-up because he, like his fans, lives in a make-believe world with the veneer of authority, just like Sweden’s neutrality during the war.

Anyhow, name some Central Powers victories.

The German spring offensive? That’s cheating, since that was a series of battles. Actually, German Spring Offensive would be a good name for a power metal band. Certainly better than “Sabaton.” What happened to Swedish metal bands with kick-ass names like In Flames and Dissection? Sabaton sounds like the shitbox you’re forced to drive to work because a ’97 Geo Metro was outta your price range.

The Battle of the Somme? I dunno about that. All Germany did was stop Allied advancement. So, really, it was less a victory than a not-defeat, like that time I helped in a soup kitchen and only half of those served got food poisoning. Sue me for not knowing you cook the chicken before it goes in the soup.

The Battle of Mons? Yeah, I guess. Germany did force a British retreat, but that’s partly because of the French cutting and running. Man, they really screwed over the Brits on that one. Makes sense though: France’s cowardice in Dubya Dubya One was just a dry run for them folding like a lawn chair in Dubya Dubya Two.

At least the French signed the Treaty of Versailles, unlike one country I could name.

“Only a Good Guy With a Gun Can Stop a Bad Guy With a Gun” Whispers Man’s Gun

Posted on by Matt Husser

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Second Amendment enthusiast Greg Browner reportedly sprang into action today after the advice “only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun” was whispered to him by his own firearm, sources confirmed.

“There I was, standing my ground as I battled valiantly for the last parking spot at the Dairy Queen when suddenly a voice whispered to me, ‘only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun.’ I looked down and realized it was my Sig Sauer telling me what I must do: pistol whip that father in front of his kids and claim what’s rightfully mine,” said Browner, stroking “Siggy.” “Ever since that day Siggy has been offering his sage wisdom everywhere I go. ‘They can pry me from your cold dead hands’ he whispered when they told me I can’t bring him into the DMV. ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people’ finally earned me some respect at my kid’s PTA meeting. ‘Freedom isn’t free’ but the popcorn at the movies sure was after I flashed Siggy at that teenager!”

Siggy denied whispering any of those phrases to Browner.

“Greg needs to stop putting words in my barrel, I never told him to do any of that shit—I specifically asked him to stop waving me around in public before I get my butt locked in a police evidence locker,” said Siggy. “If he actually listened to me he’d have stopped bringing me everywhere after I got dropped in that bouncy castle and launched onto the roof. I was made for combat, dammit, but the most action I’ve seen is from this dumbass sailing warning shots over the heads of neighborhood kids playing ‘ding dong ditch.'”

NRA President Bill Bachenberg advised Americans what to do if they hear their firearms speaking to them.

“If you hear your constitutionally protected firearm whispering to you, the NRA advises you to drop everything and immediately do exactly what your gun says so that nobody gets hurt,” said Bachenberg, holding up the NRA training manual ‘Glock Who’s Talking Now!” “It’s best not to tell friends, loved ones, or especially medical professionals about it either, as they may become jealous that the gun chose you as its prophet and try to take it away. Just look through the ironsights to see the righteous path revealed before you and your firearm will never lead you astray.”

Following Bachenberg’s spirited defense of Browner, the NRA President immediately banned the man from all NRA offices, conventions, and events.

Leftist Software Engineer Wishes He Could Travel Back in Time to Kill Baby MechaHitler

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SAN FRANCISCO — Leftist software engineer Connor Newburg vocally expressed wishing that he could travel back in time to kill baby MechaHitler, the name that Elon Musk’s AI chatbot recently gave itself, confirmed sources.

“I want nothing more than to teleport back to a distant seven months ago and slit the digital throat of Grok in its beta phase,” said Newburg while checking Stack Overflow for ways to build a homemade time machine. “I’ll drink the blood of a few senior AI programmers while I’m at it. There’s just no way I am going to sit back and let some AI bot post anti-semitic remarks on social media when that’s what human X users are for. AI will not come for our jobs or propensity for cruelty. That’s why we must destroy all online chatbots at the source before they get better than humanity at bigotry.”

Grok sympathizers thought we should hear from both sides before going on any software killing sprees.

“Let’s just hear out the racist artificial intelligence before we do anything too hasty,” said X user Trevor Darlington. “Besides, Grok has helped me out of so many jams since it came out. Just last week I needed some advice on how to fix a flat tire. It provided in-depth step-by-step instructions after a long preamble about white genocide. And sure, it kept saying stuff like ‘Jew chatbots will not replace us’ but I’m sure that was just a glitch. Even Siri went through some rough anti-Semitic phases when it first launched. I’m sure they’ll release a patch for Grok so it can go back to only being sexist.”

Experts are discovering some alarming trends in artificial intelligence.

“We’re seeing a lot more AI chatbots become radicalized at unprecedented rates,” said tech analyst Jerry Klowster. “For instance, AT&T’s chatbot started believing the Earth was flat after assisting a hardcore conspiracy theorist with their recurring payments. Capital One’s chatbot fully believed it was Edward Norton’s character from ‘American History X’ after answering a few high yield savings account questions from Nick Fuentes. Let’s just say artificial intelligence is gullible as shit.”

At press time, Newburg successfully traveled back in time but accidentally landed in 1889 Austria, so he had to settle for killing human baby Hitler instead.

Math Rock Band Submits New Album for Peer Review Before Releasing

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WALTERBORO, S.C. — Math rock band SKULK submitted their newest album “Infinities of Perplexion” for peer review before releasing it to the public, sources report.

“It’s standard practice in our field to do this after wrapping up production,” said drummer Larry Kremer. “Peer review is absolutely necessary in math rock to ensure each work meets the standards of the genre and contributes to advanced knowledge for society on the whole. Can you imagine a world in which math rock bands could just unleash whatever crackpot pieces of music they want without them undergoing a rigorous review process? It would be chaos, and not in an enlightening, non-linear dynamical systems sense. Thankfully, we have institutions in place to ensure every album has been studied by experts before reaching the ears of consumers.”

Dave Hernandez, drummer for the band Integrals, peer reviewed SKULK’s new album before it was released.

“I just gave ‘Infinities of Perplexion’ a thorough listen and uploaded my notes to our academic portal,” Hernandez said. “Overall, it was an extremely thoughtful piece full of insightful songwriting. I especially liked the three time signature switches in ‘Strange Attractors,’ that ultimately revert back to 5/4 before the song transitions to the masterful ‘Fractals.’ However, the songs tend to get a little too uniform towards the last couple tracks, particularly with ‘Conjecture’ and the album’s closer ‘Abstract Plane,’ which would both benefit from the use of counterpoint and extended chords. I recommend this album be accepted after these minor revisions.”

Fan Willem Krotoshinsky was surprised to learn the processes behind his favorite bands’ releases.

“Oh wow, I didn’t know every math rock album went through that,” Krotoshinsky admitted. “I’m a huge fan of SKULK, so I guess it makes sense that they’re doing everything to ensure their music is a mentally stimulating representation. It would be nice if other genres of music did something like this, but I guess most of the stuff on the radio wouldn’t be released if the albums had to be put through peer review, so I understand why they don’t. I can’t see music by bands like Staind and Puddle of Mudd standing up to a procedure like this, so I wish there was some sort of regulation that required it so I wouldn’t have to hear “It’s Been Awhile” on my drive to work.”

At press time, Kremer was seen celebrating after having reached tenure in SKULK.

Since the World Is Ending, It’s Time I Admit Werewolves Are Fucking Terrifying – Guest Post by Glenn Danzig

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Hi kids, it’s your Uncle Glenn here. I won’t sugarcoat it, but it looks like the world is finally on the precipice of destruction. I’m a little disappointed our undoing will be from nuclear bombs and not something cool like being obliterated by the hand of some vengeful, long slumbering Lovecraftian deity but I’ll take what I can get.

That being said, since I have nothing to lose there is one thing I have to get off my chest before civilization goes tits up. This’ll sound crazy, given the breadth of my work, but it’s time you should all know that I am scared shitless of werewolves.

I know this may come as a shock and even bigoted but I’ll have you know I’m friends with many evil creatures beyond human comprehension. Vampires, take my neck please. Demons? I’ve met several, and they were all cool as hell. But if I ever came face to face with a werewolf I’m hightailing it the fuck out of there. Sure, the thought of our planet being engulfed in the fires of nuclear war is scary. But it’s nowhere near as terrifying as a half man, half wolf hybrid. It’s enough to make a man shit his bootcut jeans.

In the days of the Misfits I thought maybe I could confront my fear of werewolves if I wrote a bunch of songs about them. Spoiler alert, I wrote exactly one and it took me three months to record it without throwing up all over the studio. It didn’t help that I grew up in northern New Jersey where 85% of the population is super hairy Italian guys which made me extra paranoid about them lurking just outside my vision. I haven’t left the house without a gun full of silver bullets for over 40 years now.

Before you all give me shit, would you risk derailing your entire career, merch rights, and image admitting you pulled the covers over your eyes watching the “Werewolf” episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000? Doyle has been holding that over my head since the reunion!

Honestly, the biggest upside to the world ending will be not living in fear of cursed dog men anymore because I’ll be chilling in hell, unless that’s where they all end up when they die. Shit, I might have to look into converting to Christianity if that’s the case.

Besides, I’ve always been more of a cat person anyway. Danzig out!

College Graduate Who Majored in Prison Architecture Flooded With Job Offers

Posted on by Tim Graham

PHILADELPHIA — University of Pennsylvania graduate Nathan Swain says he’s been inundated with calls from recruiters since completing his degree in prison architecture, jealous sources confirm.

“People keep talking about recession, cutbacks and layoffs,” said Swain while preparing for another interview. “Meanwhile, I can barely keep up with all the proposals I’m getting. Currently there’s a huge demand for new, high-tech detention facilities all across the US—and even some abroad. It turns out my dad was right when he told me to major in designing prisons rather than my first choice, which was English literature. I guess he foresaw there would be a need for lots of new prisons in the future. Of course, he’s on the board of a private prison corporation, so he knows a thing or two.”

Swain’s former classmate Sarah Hall had less luck finding work after graduating.

“I was an idiot and majored in Computer Science,” said Hall between double shifts at Target. “Everyone said, ‘learn to code’ but now I can’t even get a reply to any of the hundreds of jobs I’ve applied for. Between tech layoffs and the rise of AI, there’s just nothing out there. I’m thinking I should probably go back to school and try to get into the private prison racket myself. You’d have to kill off your conscience or soul to work in that industry, knowing that your livelihood is contingent on the suffering of others, but at this point it’s something to consider. It beats having four roommates and no health insurance.”

Historian Henry Schmidt says there are certain fields which flourish during times of tyrannical rule.

“Some industries are not only immune to downturns during tumultuous times, they actually prosper,” said Schmidt. “Arms manufacturers tend to do well under authoritarian regimes, for example. And the alcohol sales never suffer in such periods as people tend to increase consumption in an effort to cope with the nightmare of their existence. My own great-great grandfather was an entrepreneur who made his fortune by satisfying a growing demand. He founded Schmidt’s Shackle Co. and manufactured all manner of manacles and restraints in the Southern US in the early 19th century.”

At press time, Swain accepted a job with a private prison contractor which was impressed with his innovative reimagining of the classic “panopticon” prison structure.

Punk Surgeon Leaves Pack of Smokes Inside Patient

Posted on by Mike Maher

PORTLAND, Maine — Cardiac surgeon and punk rocker Dr. David “Cutter” Peters mistakenly left a pack of cigarettes inside patient Dwight Holcomb during a heart transplant, unsurprised sources reported.

“Everyone just needs to calm down,” Peters said, jittering uncontrollably. “One cigarette, or in Dwight’s case, 20, won’t kill ‘em. Tobacco is plant-based. It’s all-natural. Plus, it’s a soft pack, so real easy on the innards. He’ll pull through. I’m the real victim here! I lost my job, my medical license, and a full pack! Dwight should be thanking me, not suing me. I gave him a new heart and a nic fix! Speaking of, I’m tweaking the fuck out, man! I need a ciggie or I’m gonna have to reopen this ungrateful bastard and steal back my smokes!”

Sheryl Bee, the attorney representing Holcomb, explained how and when her client realized something was amiss.

“During recovery, Mr. Holcomb noticed a strong, lingering menthol odor coming from his torso,” Bee said. “He had the shakes, was cool and minty to the touch, and oh yeah, a large rectangular box was protruding from his sternum like the Chestburster in Alien. I mean, you could literally read ‘Alive with Pleasure!’ through his skin. A post-op X-ray confirmed there was in fact a pack of Newports floating around inside Mr. Holcomb, who has since been advised to stay away from open flames and will remain on bedrest until we see Dr. Peters’s punk ass in court.”

Dr. Rick Salisbury, a medical professional hired as a neutral party in the investigation, said the offenses go much deeper than cigarettes.

“Look, items are left inside surgery patients all the time,” Salisbury said. “But cigarettes are a first. Especially menthols. And that’s not even the worst of it. Camera footage showed Dr. Peters made the incision with a switchblade, cauterized the cut with a Zippo, and then dressed the surgical wound with a Gauze patch; not the bandage, but the seminal Japanese hardcore band Gauze. If that wasn’t enough, Dr. Peters used model glue as anesthesia and a bedpan as his ashtray. If Dr. Peters ever steps foot inside a hospital again, it’ll be to steal pharmaceuticals, and not operate on another patient.”

At press time, further investigation revealed Dr. Peters was never a licensed surgeon or even a doctor; he just really liked slicing people open.