LOS ANGELES — Local girlfriend Ashley Wagner mistakenly believes Bryce Latterby, her boyfriend of six months, is actively engaged in a sultry conversation with Instagram spambot Sxxxygrl_49, annoyed sources confirmed.
“I was trying to show Bryce this new filter, and I accidentally clicked into his messages and saw this big-boobed bimbo messaging Bryce saying she’s available tonight to video chat and he just needs to use the code ‘hotbaby’ for a discount,” said Wagner. “This asshole was hiding these messages right under my nose in a secondary inbox on Instagram, and it looked like there were about 80 other dudes in the chat. I plan on approaching all of their girlfriends and telling them what’s going on. This is bullshit.”
Latterby noted this is not the first time his girlfriend overreacted to an automated message.
“Last month I kept getting a phone call from a weird number with a Montana area code and it would leave me a 17-second voicemail where it sounds like a robot woman speaking Mandarin or something,” said Latterby. “Well, Ashley thought it was all a ploy to talk with other women. I have to give her credit, though — she started using Duolingo and translated the message, and it said something about a boat leaving its shoes near the typewriter. She felt a little better after realizing the message was nonsense, but then she started to believe that might be a secret code, too.”
Officials at Instagram claimed they are trying their best to quell the incessant messages from spam accounts.
“We understand that these random messages from extremely sexy young women who want to show you everything can be annoying,” said Instagram’s public relations lead Brandon Nguyen. “Their frequent use of the eggplant, peach, and water emojis are against what Instagram stands for — we want to provide a platform for everyone to post pictures of their dog where you don’t have to worry about seeing a woman’s nipple. The sooner Instagram becomes a platform devoid of all sexuality, the better.”
Latterby was later found punching a dent into his car in a jealous rage after Wagner laughed at another man’s joke in public.