Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename so-called Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility,” confirmed sources.

“Ruth Bader Ginsburg, or RBG as she is known in my group chats, was nothing if not a foundational trailblazer in the pursuit of justice who has been memorialized in Etsy merch gift ideas,” said Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer of New York. “​​While I don’t agree with the concept of Alligator Alcatraz personally, prisons are a part of the same justice system she worked her whole career to uphold. She’d be pleased by this, I think. It’s a good way to carry on the legacy she fought so hard to protect in her final years. Now when people think of immigrants being detained wrongfully in a detention facility, they’ll think of Ruth. We’ve done our part.”

The decision has also been embraced by Democratic voters.

“Nothing has seemed to go right since Justice Ginsburg died,” said registered Democrat Joyce Perriman, who was on her way to her local bee-keeping collective. “First we lost Roe v. Wade because the Democrats could do literally nothing to stop the Republicans. Then, Kamala lost because people got mad she was supporting the beautiful 51st state of Israel. Now Alligator Alcatraz. There’s just no decorum anymore. People getting deported in public spaces for all the world to see. I’ll say this, when Obama and Biden deported people, they did it with subtlety, in the dead of the night. That’s how it’s meant to be.”

This decision comes after a long bender of renaming sprees from the Democratic Party.

“We’re bringing decorum and civility back to some of America’s most criticized policies and establishments,” said Democrat Eric Swalwell of California’s 14th District. “Yay us! We’ve renamed the Border Wall the ‘Dianne Feinstein Memorial International Barrier’ to honor a legendary political figure, we’ve started calling our aide packages to Israel the ‘Harvey Milk Memorial Specials’ to honor a real queer rights icon and, of course, CECOT Prison is being renamed ‘the Harriet Tubman Honorary Indefinite Detention Facility.’ We couldn’t think of a more appropriate way to honor an American hero.”

At press time, Congressional Democrats were on hour 12 of their filibuster protest of the “Earl Warren Amendment For the Evisceration of the Temporarily Unhoused.”

Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own Substack. Sure, I don’t have a degree — or, for that matter, any formal training or education in any given subject—but what I do have is expertise in how to post and market my own ideas. See, Substack attracts its own experts because its users have a self-selection bias towards their own shared brilliance.

I mean, just setting up a Substack account takes a certain level of intelligence. You have to know how to enter your name and email address into the proper fields when you register, and you need the prerequisite knowledge of how to confirm the aforementioned email address.

Once you get past those hurdles, you get access to all of the illuminating genius your amateurish mind can handle. The real outside-the-box authorities — the ones who are doing literal galaxy-brained thinking — are on Substack. It’s a platform by the people, for the people. You won’t find discussions on the wisdom of Bill Cooper or Andrew Wakefield in newspapers. You can’t even use the phrase “official narrative of the Moon Landing” without being repudiated as a nutjob by Round-Earthers filled with vaccine microchips.

Speaking of hastily dismissed philosophers, the amount of flak that Substack gets for allowing Nazis is troublingly high. Some Nazis — the not-terrible ones — are political scholars, yet are censored by traditional media outlets. Substack isn’t just Nazis, though. It’s also for those who, to borrow from the literary genius Voltaire, disingenuously defend Nazis to the death, even if they disagree with them. I’m no fan of Hitler, but I’m willing to concede he had some good ideas, because being an expert requires an open mind.

In other words, you have to see both sides. Indeed, for the stated thesis to be valid, the opposite of it must also be valid: If I didn’t have a Substack, then I wouldn’t be an expert, and, therefore, I wouldn’t be able to properly label myself an expert on my nonexistent Substack. It’s a perfect circle of logic. Checkmate, sheeple.

Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat Awarded Nobel Prize in Physics for Their Groundbreaking Work In How Opposites Attract

Posted on by Mike Maher

STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Iconic ‘80s pop duo Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat were awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for their trailblazing work in proving opposites attract, sources confirmed.

“Most people know me as a two-time Grammy award-winning singer and dancer. Or the ex-wife of Emilio Estevez from ‘Young Guns II.’ Or that judge on American Idol who’s always hopped up on pain meds,” Abdul said. “So it’s truly rewarding to be finally recognized for my real life’s passion: bringing French engineer and physicist Charles-Augustin de Coulomb’s Law of Electromagnetism to the masses through a fictosexual relationship with an animated rapping cat. I mean, who knew the force of attraction or repulsion determined by the amount of charge and distance between charges could be so damn catchy?! The esteemed Nobel committee members and the 60 million people who bought my albums, that’s who knew, bitches.”

The award couldn’t have come at a better time for Abdul’s less successful half, MC Skat Kat.

“Man, I really needed a win,” Skat Kat said while stuck in a tree waiting for the fire department. “I don’t know jack about physics, but I do know opposites weren’t the only thing MC Skat Kat was attracted to. Booze. Pills. Loose women. I lost 8 of my 9 lives during those years. But look at me now, ma! Top of the science world! I really want to thank my fans, Jesus Chirst his Lord and Savior, my sponsor, and especially the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences for giving me an advance on my prize money so I could settle some unpaid debts down at the dog track.”

Veteran Nobel committee judge Ulf Carlsson explained how the final selection came down to more than just science.

“There were seismic breakthroughs this year in the fields of quantum computing, dark matter and AI. But nobody contributed more to the advancement of physics, dance pop and toonophilia than MC Skat Kat and my homegirl, Paula Abdul,” Carlsson said. “You really don’t need much more empirical evidence that opposites attract than a cartoon alley cat fucking a former Laker girl. And trust me. That ain’t fiction. It’s a natural, and now scientific, fact.”

At press time, Abdul was spotted canoodling with Particle Man from “Tiny Toons” and They Might be Giants fame.

Trump Disappointed Nazi Playbook Has Very Few Pictures

Posted on by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — President Trump complained that the manual that details how to operate a fascist regime was “boring” due to the lack of images, according to frustrated staffers tasked with getting him to read.

“Look at this thing,” said Trump, dropping the thick volume on the Resolute desk. “Hundreds of pages to say what? Militarize this, consolidate that, scapegoat so-and-so. Believe me, I get it. People keep saying, ‘Sir, sir, you really need to read the playbook.’ Listen, I have one of the greatest brains. You need a world-class brain like mine to do the weave, as I call it. My uncle also had a world-class brain. He founded MIT, after all. This playbook, though…It’s just page after page of nothing but tiny little words. Would it have killed someone to write some pictures in there?”

White House staff assistant Mary Elise Witkins is on the team assigned to finding ways to make the president engage with the material.

“We’ve tried everything, but he just doesn’t like to read. Or can’t read?” said Witkins as she worked on scenery for an upcoming educational puppet show for the president. “I’ve tried reading it to him, but he just looks at his phone or falls asleep. He asked for pictures so we generated a bunch of AI illustrations, but he complained the Nazis didn’t look muscular or tough enough. We also spent big money producing a pop-up book version—the sieg heiling was very impressive—but it got no reaction from the president.”

The Heritage Foundation’s Gordon Sprague argues that Trump doesn’t need to bother with reading things like the Nazi Playbook.

“President Trump would only be wasting his time if he sat down to read,” said Sprague while browsing German World War II memorabilia on the dark web. “Trump is a natural—a savant even—when it comes to sadism. He’s never needed to study how to effectively place the state’s boot on the neck of the populace—this kind of cruelty is self-evident to him. It’s as though it’s written into his DNA. Sometimes we’ll give him a little pop quiz such as, ‘You see a poor person begging for a sip of water. What do you do?’ He always nails it. The answer, by the way, is to abduct and beat them.”

At press time, a breakthrough had been made after excerpts of the text were spelled out in sesame seeds on the tops of Trump’s hamburger buns.

Recession Indicator? Our Entire Economic System Is Based on the Exploitation of Laborers for the Surplus Value Their Labor Creates

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Everyone these days is looking for recession indicators. Things like the price of Arizona Iced Tea, inverted yield curves, and the death of any and all hope for a better tomorrow have got investors and consumers alike all shaken up. I recently came to realize that there was one bigger issue at hand.

I was doing the math the other day, and I realized something: without the labor I was doing, my company couldn’t make any money! I figured that parts+labor=cost of the service being provided. Except that the amount charged in total was more than what I was paid in labor. Parts won’t change in price, though, which means there was only one way to create more profit, by underpaying me for my labor!

Why hasn’t anyone pointed this out before? Or better yet, why does everyone put up with this? I mean, those billionaires didn’t make all that money on their own, but for some reason, they get to keep all of it. Everyone’s talking about the recession, but I’d have plenty of money if it hadn’t all been taken away by my boss.

What makes it even worse is that because I’m an hourly employee, it means that working harder doesn’t mean any increase in pay for me. I get paid the same no matter how hard I work. Yet my boss keeps demanding more out of me. It’s almost like he’s been aware of this the whole time. Have other bosses figured this out as well? I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I’m slowly beginning to suspect that business leaders collaborate in order to make sure their employees get as little of the profits as possible.

That’s why I’m suggesting a new idea in which workers come together in order to take those profits and control the businesses themselves. It’d be like worker-controlled capitalism but run as part of a communal system. We could call it “communalism,” or “commpitalism” or something, still workshopping the name. I just can’t believe I’m the first one to think of this! There are a lot of bugs to work out, but it can’t be worse than what we have going now.

Goldfinger Lead Singer Clarifies Superman He’s Trying to Be is Not the Dean Cain Version

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Goldfinger frontman John Feldmann took to Instagram to clarify the band’s seminal hit “Superman” was in no way or shape inspired by Dean Cain’s portrayal of the superhero, confirmed sources.

“I just want to make it perfectly clear that when I was writing ‘Superman’ it was in no way influenced by Dean Cain’s portrayal. It was purely inspired by Christopher Reeve, aging anxiety, and skateboards. The only thing Cain has inspired in me is my gag reflex when I look at his bloated head,” said Feldmann. “I know the timing looks weird with ‘Hang Ups’ coming out right after ‘Lois and Clark’ ending, but neither myself or anyone in the band would ever want to pretend to be a washed up z-list racist.”

Goldfinger fans reacted to the announcement with an overwhelming sense of relief.

“Oh thank fuck he got that all straightened out, because if I had to equate the greatest ska song of all time with a fat, source material betraying, ICE cosplaying dork, I wouldn’t be able to bing myself to play ‘Tony Hawk Pro Skateboarder’ ever again,” said fan Devin McCallister. “Now I can safely imagine myself in the shoes of David Corenswet, Henry Cavill, Chris Reeve, Tom Welling, Tyler Hoechlin, Brandon Routh, George Reeves, and Nicholas Cage in that abandoned Tim Burton project when I crank ‘Superman’ at full volume on my way to work.”

Cain responded to Feldmann’s post to defend his portrayal of Superman.

“Oh it must be soooo nice to be culturally relevant decades after your prime, mister fancy ska man. YOU try playing second fiddle to Teri Hatcher despite being cast as the most famous superhero of all time, okay,” said Cain in a 2 a.m. rant on X. “I am just as much the embodiment of Superman as all the others, and I’m sure the real life Kal El would be totally cool with rounding up immigrants and slowly tackling obstacles courses at ICE training facilities. Please someone write a song about me!”

Feldmann also followed up his post with a heads up that if anyone came across the early demo of “Superman” called “Hercules,” he was referring to the Disney film and not Kevin Sorbo.

Band Names Themselves P_Floyd8732486 After Discovering “Pink Floyd” Is Taken

Posted on by Tyler Roland

TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, N.M. — Local psychedelic rock band P_Floyd8732486 revealed that they arrived at their unusual name after discovering “Pink Floyd” was already in use by a British group, uncreative sources confirmed.

“This wasn’t even our second or even third choice, but P_Floyd8732482, P_Floyd8732489, and Fleetwood Mac were also already taken,” songwriter George Rivers explained. “You won’t believe this, but some other band in England had the name ‘Pink Floyd’ a long time ago. We’d never heard of them. I doubt anyone has. And get this: They also had pinkfloyd.com on lock. They really beat us to the punch. So we did it like a computer, you know: We generated a string of numbers, messed with the name, it’s cool now. Though it turns out my nephew Preston Floyd has the same gamertag. We’re so cooked.”

Pink Floyd drummer and sole constant member Nick Mason expressed befuddlement at how P_Floyd8732486 chose their moniker.

“Syd [Barrett, Pink Floyd co-founder] came up with the name, and I thought he was out of his mind,” Mason recalled. “‘Pink Floyd,’ no one would ever think that was a great title for a group. I initially wanted to call us ‘Pink-Floyd42069’ actually. Now these guys had the same bloody idea as me? Take our name and remove everything interesting and cool about it? Good fucking luck getting a gig, gents. People are going to think you’re a password for a DoorDash account or, worse yet, a Pink Floyd cover band.”

Marla Davenport, founder and president of Band Name Index, believes that a situation like P_Floyd8732486’s is a real risk in 2025.

“We’ve all heard someone say ‘all the good ideas are taken!’ Sadly, this is entirely accurate,” said Davenport. “When I first logged ‘!!!’ into our index, I realized we were at a point of no return. I mean, we’ve already seen several bands use ‘!!!!’ or even ‘!!!_34082.” At least the chances of another band taking P_Floyd8732486’s name are around the same as those guys pulling more than 10 people at their gigs. And if they ever forget their band name they could always just reset it to something else.”

At press time, Davenport revealed that, while …And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead and King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard are “safe for now,” it could be any day that a new band will look for these names and “get screwed.”

Success Won’t Change Me! I Was Already a Great Big Jerk

Posted on by Jeremiah Towle

You’ve probably heard that my little business venture has been getting a lot of attention lately, and not just because I’ve been reporting my competitors for bogus zoning violations. Looks like this is my ticket out of our old hometown and into the big time! I’m so glad we get to share this moment — I mean, it’s my moment, but you’re here to see it. I want to make sure you know that I’ll never, ever let success change me. Even when I’m at the top of the ladder, I’m going to be exactly what I’ve always been: colossally reprehensible.

Why should having more money and status make me change my ways? It’s not like I’m going to stop cutting people off in traffic; I’ll just be in a nicer car. I’m excited to really go all in on the way I already act. Harassing baristas must be extra satisfying when you have the power to probably get them fired, not to mention the resources to afford a venti with extra shots, rather than ordering a tall and then insisting that I ordered a—actually, no, I’ll still do that, it gives me a sense of control.

People have been warning me that success changes people, or at least they’re probably saying that; listening is boring. But I’ve seen like fifty movies where money makes a guy become thoughtless and miss his kid’s big soccer game or something. I am so relieved that that won’t happen to me, because I wasn’t thoughtful to begin with, and because there is no proof that any of those kids are mine. I also have a lifetime ban from youth soccer for heckling.

Anyway, rest assured, I’m not going to forget where I came from. I’ll always think fondly of you and all the other little people I made miserable on my way up. Nothing has to change just because I’m going to leave our town, see the world, and negatively impact other people’s lives. And no matter if I’m flying first class, business, or coach, I’m taking my shoes off on the plane. How else am I gonna trim my toenails on the way there?

Fully Dysfunctional Man Asks Doctor About Fixing Only Erectile Part

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Michael Murphy, a 43-year-old insurance salesman suffering from shortness of breath, elevated cholesterol, undiagnosed GI issues and high blood pressure, finally prioritized his health last Tuesday with a visit to his doctor to talk about his penis and nothing else, confirmed sources.

“People are surprised when they find out I’m actually super into health and wellness,” said a visibly bleeding Murphy. “I only consume energy drinks made without Red 40 additives, never miss a dose of my gas station hard-on supplements and cold plunge three times a day. I’ve done my research and the prescription I’ve just received from my doctor is safe, effective, and most importantly, redirects the blood flow from my brain right into my penis where I can actually use it. It’s absolutely critical I have access to more dick-blood. It’s pretty fucked up how much insurance companies will have us pay for it. I know this lady who gets a whole month’s worth of insulin for the same amount I pay for each erection. Men’s health issues are so often ignored and it’s just not right. My ability to fire the cannon at will is just as important as anyone’s pancreas.”

Murphy’s wife appeared to be worried about her husband’s misdirected obsession with his health.

“I’ve been pushing Michael to see a doctor ever since we met so I’m relieved to see he’s finally doing it,” said Catherine Murphy. “His health has really deteriorated over the last few years. I’ve pretty much given up on doing his laundry and just buy him a new pack of boxers each week on account of whatever GI issues he’s got going on. Michael told me he was seeing a doctor last year but it turned out the ‘doctor’ was actually just a cashier at the Exxon on Interstate 96 that sells him Extendzz and has taken a disturbing interest in Michael’s collection of abnormal back moles. He’s assured me that this time around he’s seeing a doctor that’s been to college and everything. I’m so relieved he’s getting help for his many physical ailments.”

Dr. Gavin Hearst, Murphy’s physician, originally declined to comment citing patient-doctor confidentiality but eventually had a change of heart.

“Fuck it. Yeah, Murphy is a patient of mine. He definitely has a severe case of gout although it was a little hard to diagnose with his pants around his ankles,” said Dr. Hearst. “He had his penis out the entire visit and wouldn’t stop talking about his dick. I’m a podiatrist for Christ sake! I eventually just wrote him a script and told him to get the hell out of my office. You’d be surprised how many patients I’ve had to tell to keep it in their pants. I’ve been considering becoming a proctologist in the hopes of seeing less genitalia.”

At press time, Murphy was seen waiting in line for the bathroom at Exxon Mobile, holding the ruler attached to the restroom key and visibly clenching his butt cheeks.

Stephen Miller and Mr. Beast Entering Hour 72 of Soulless, Dead-Eyed Staring Contest

Posted on by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — The contest between White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller and YouTube superstar Mr. Beast shows no signs of winding down at the close of its third day, according to rapt audience members.

“This is the match-up of the century and I’m on the edge of my seat!” exclaimed sports commentator Herb Culp. “I’ve been here for all 72 hours and will continue to provide up to the minute play-by-play until a winner is declared. These are truly two of the most dead-eyed contestants I’ve ever seen. This is a classic battle between a pair of world-class athletes who are clearly bereft of anything resembling a human soul. I’ve seen sharks with more emotive eyes. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one for the books.”

Byron Steadman is closely following the match, having placed a large Polymarket wager on Miller to win.

“I’ve got a lot riding on this,” said Steadman as he mopped sweat from his brow. “Basically if Mr. Beast wins, I’m screwed. Don’t tell my wife, but I may have put our house on the line. I thought Miller was a sure thing! He’s not even 40, but just look into those black voids he has for eyes—there’s an ancient, inhuman malevolence lurking down there. I saw a fly land on Miller’s eyeball and just walk around for a while. If he noticed, he made no indication. I figured, how could he lose? But now that I’ve seen the vapid, inhuman stare of Mr. Beast, I’m getting nervous.”

Mr. Beast’s coach Anthony Gleason helped prepare the YouTuber for the epic battle.

“Jimmy and I spent weeks together getting ready for this competition,” said Coach Gleason from the sidelines. “We trained for every possible situation, from rain to windblown sand to people making goofy faces to mess with his concentration. I was worried earlier when I saw Jimmy looking fatigued—I knew he needed energy. But then he wiggled his tongue like a worm and attracted a bird, which he bit and swallowed down whole like a snake, never breaking eye contact with Miller. That’s the kind of dedication Jimmy brings to every project he’s involved in.”

At press time, Mr. Beast’s team accused Miller of cheating by using an earpiece playing audio of crying migrant children to help keep him focused.

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