Crowd Apparently Feeling “Whoo” Tonight

Posted on by Shane Pauker

AKRON, Ohio — Attendees at Hamster Death Method’s latest concert felt overwhelmingly “whoo,” per an impromptu survey conducted by the band’s singer, confirmed sources.

“I asked how Akron was doing tonight, and they just said ‘whoo’ in unison,” singer Brett Keats recalled. “I couldn’t believe it, so I told them I couldn’t hear them. They shouted the same thing, only louder. I asked how they were doing because I really wanted to know, not just to make small talk, and they gave me platitudes all the same! Even when I tried to drop it and ask if they were ready to rock, they kept saying ‘whoo.’ God forbid a guy wants to connect with his fans. Not sure what’s come over Ohio, but remind me not to ask the locals any more questions.”

Attendees continued to self-report as “whoo” outside of their hive mind response.

“Hell yeah, I’m feeling ‘whoo’ if not a little ‘woohoo’ tonight!” attendee Jeff Walters confirmed between bites of a bacon-wrapped hot dog purchased outside the venue. “They asked how I’m feeling, and I made sure they heard me! You know what? I’m not just feeling whoo—I’m feeling wolf-whistle and I’m feeling ‘yeah!’ I’m out here to jam to my favorite tunes, and I got an $11 absolute steal on this tall boy of Liquid Death. What’s not to feel ‘whoo’ about?”

Experts suggest the overriding feeling of “whoo” goes beyond concert settings.

“It’s been a recurring trend for my patients,” therapist Michael Jutland explained. “Whenever I ask a young patient how they’re feeling, they give a half-hearted ‘whoop.’ If it’s a particularly good day, they might clap a little bit or stick their fingers in their mouth to whistle. I’ll be blunt: those aren’t emotions. That’s not how normal people express themselves. Even if ‘whoo’ is good, ignoring the nuance and depth of human emotion to force a brave cheer weakens your ability to actually express yourself. Be honest with how you feel; tell the singer that today’s been kind of rough. They’ll understand.”

At press time, a patient was heard asking Dr. Jutland for an encore speech about his emotional inaccessibility.

Conservative Dad Who Exclusively Watches History Channel Learns Nothing From It

Posted on by Trevor Graham

WICHITA, Kan. — Local 62-year-old dad Carl Strungis reportedly spends hours glued to The History Channel, absorbing absolutely nothing except the vague sense that explosions are cool and America rules, sources who are asking if the TV can be turned down a little confirmed.

“I like to kick back in my recliner with a cold beer — not that woke Bud Light crap — and watch our boys blow stuff up,” Strungis said, adjusting his novelty eagle belt buckle. “I’m not too worried about why we went to war, what it cost, the devastating effects it has on our troops when they return, or anything like that. I just like the grainy footage of tanks rolling in and stuff going boom. They recently aired a documentary about the Vietnam War. I couldn’t follow any of it.”

Strungis’ adult children say that if he is going to spend so much time just sitting and watching The History Channel that he should at least have some take aways from it.

“I’m always trying to get him to see the parallels between the xenophobia that led to the rise of fascism in Nazi Germany and what is happening today in the U.S. but he’ll just say ‘Oh, look at those brave forces storming the beach at Normandy to kick those bad guys’ asses!” said daughter Lara Strungis. “Sometimes I’ll forward him articles from NPR or The New York Times that show how we are currently on the path to the same authoritarian style government that we fought against in WWII and he’ll just send back a meme of a bald eagle crying over a Dodge Ram.”

History Channel executive Michael Evans says they are aware their demographic doesn’t retain any of the information in what they watch and that they are planning changes to their programming to accommodate their audience.

“Our research shows 86% of our audience is over 60, male, and completely impervious to learning,” said executive Michael Evans. “So we’re pivoting. We’re developing AI-generated footage of endless planes getting shot down, with patriotic music blaring over it. No more context, no more interviews — just pure kaboom. It’s already testing through the roof in our focus groups.”

At press time, Strungis switched off The History Channel for a breather, blasting Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” — a song he proudly called “the most pro-America anthem ever written.”

Opinion: Are You Gonna Ask Stupid Questions, or Are You Gonna Help Get This Lit Firework Out of My Dickhole?

Posted on by Matt Husser

Ah, the Fourth of July: the day we celebrate George Washington conquering thousands of commies back in biblical times to win our God-given freedom to grill half a cow, drink cold beer, and detonate home-made fireworks at our militia compounds. But instead of honoring the greatest country on Earth, here you are trying to ruin Independence Day by asking me all kinda stupid questions like I’m a ChatGPT robot instead of helping me fish this lit firework out of my dickhole. But no, by all means, let’s host an interactive panel Q&A while the crackling fuse inches closer to exploding my wiener like a ballpark frank in a campfire.

‘How did that firecracker even get in your dickhole?’ It’s called a dare, numbnuts, and we both know if I backed down from Firepecker Roulette then Cousin Terry would spend the rest of the weekend calling me ‘Dickless Cheney’ in front of those hot out-of-towner chicks down at the reservoir.

‘Why can’t you take it out by yourself?’ Because I’ve got two bottles of Mickey’s duct taped to my hands, haven’t you ever played ‘Edward 40 Hands’ before?

‘Didn’t this happen last year?’ For your information, last year’s firecracker emergency was located in my asshole, and I was able to snuff it out with my buttcheeks—again, no thanks to you.

‘Should I get the fire extinguisher?’ What, and freeze up all my sperms? My mama has been begging me for grandkids, and now you wanna shrivel my balls and rob that sweet woman of the greatest gift a son can give his mother aside from a Riverboat Casino Cruise?

Well, I hope you’re happy, I’ve answered all your stupid questions, but at what cost? Because of you, my junk is about to be all shredded like fajita meat. The neighborhood kids are gonna laugh at me and call me ‘Mr. Burntjangles’. I’ll probably have to live in the circus as ‘The Living Ken Doll’ while hillbillies throw chewed up hot dogs at my—oh, sweet Lord, hallelujah! I just pissed myself and put the firecracker out. Thank you, Jesus, for blessing me again with one of your many urine-based miracles. The 4th of July is back on, Cousin Terry, toss me that kerosene! Who wants to play ‘Flaming Hot Cornhole’?

Man With $5,000 Grill Pretty Much Just Doing Hot Dogs

Posted on by Jason Clemence

SARASOTA, Fla. — Local husband and father of three Brett Spalding proudly showed off his expensive new grill to friends and neighbors at a cookout, but appeared to have nothing to put on it except hot dogs, confirmed sources who assumed there would be a bit more variety.

“Alright, let me show you the Meatblaster Deluxe rig I just finished setting up,” said Spalding, proudly gesturing toward the various components arranged in a horseshoe-shaped cooking area while rhythmically clicking his $75 tongs. “Six-burner grill up front, with attached flat-top and, over on the other side, this top-of-the-line pellet smoker. And don’t forget the built-in minifridge. One of these days, I’m gonna stock up on brisket, sausage, ribeyes, and lamb chops to really show the fellas that I’ve earned this Grill Sergeant apron. But for now, well, Costco had a sale on store-brand hot dogs, so.”

Next-door-neighbor Bob Oakerton was confused by the lack of options.

“I asked Brett if I could bring anything to put on his kick-butt new grill, but he said not to bother because he’s ‘totally stocked up,’” said Oakerton. “I knew he’d dropped some serious cash on this thing, so I asked Marcy to make a salad and a pie for us to bring. Of course, that was when I assumed he was going to grill a whole lot of different meat, but I’m definitely only seeing hot dogs, and I just heard Brett holler ‘Who’s famished for a frankfurter?’ So I guess that’s that. I really had my heart set on a burger, to be honest.”

Chester Avery, the 19-year-old salesman who sold Spalding the grill, seemed unsurprised by this turn of events.

“Yeah, [Spalding] went straight from the little two-burner starter grills to the top-shelf stuff. Every add-on feature I showed him, he’d be like ‘Ooooh, I definitely need that,’” said Avery. “I could tell he’s a straight up wiener-jockey who wouldn’t know a brisket from a skirt steak, but what do you want? I work on commission. For 5,000 bucks you can grill all the Ball Park Franks you want.”

At press time, Spalding had decided to purchase a vintage Gibson SG for the express purpose of playing the main riff to Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man.”

“Schoolhouse Rock” Bill Self-Immolates to Protest Big Beautiful Bill

Posted on by Chris Bratton

WASHINGTON — The Bill from the “Schoolhouse Rock,” best known for singing “I’m Just a Bill” in the fifth episode of the third season, died from self-immolation on the steps of the Capitol Building to protest President Trump’s so-called Big Beautiful Bill, horrified sources confirmed.

“I am more than just a bill, and when found up on Capitol Hill, know I could longer sit still, to witness this authoritative caper, and be told I am still a lowly scrap paper. I used to pray, that one eventful day, I would become a law, but the Big Beautiful Bill saw, a plague and a scourge, so now I chose myself to purge,” said The Bill in a lyrical suicide note that was left in his studio apartment with instructions that the message be accompanied by music in G Major, and left a postscripture addressed to his family. “My dearest Debra and sons, when you find me in heaven, God himself will have made me a law. That’s all this old bill can ask for.”

Longtime friend and co-star in the “I’m Just a Bill” segment, John Sheldon, arrived at the Capitol steps moments before The Bill set themselves ablaze.

“I’ve known that piece of paper for almost fifty years. I knew things were bad when I saw them arguing with Kevin Sorbo and Rob Schneider on X. He recently lost his job as a librarian and was spending hours making bloaty face J.D. Vance memes, but I didn’t realize things were this bad,” said Sheldon from behind police tape. “He texted me he was at the Capitol so I rushed over to check on him. He was just singing the phrase ‘I’m just a bill’ and sobbing. He then screamed ‘Sic Semper Tyrannis’ and lit a match. I tried to stop it, but his tiny paper body was so combustible.”

Kristina Michelin, a legislative crisis hotline operator, lamented the current climate for bills.

“There are good bills and fine laws that can’t make sense of any of this. The Dream Act is calling our service because of nightmares, the Affordable Care Act is in the throes of existential despair because it believes that nothing is affordable and care will soon be gone,” said Michelin. “Good thoughtful legislation is losing itself under the shadow of this omnibus turd.”

Unfortunately, this isn’t the only recent “Schoolhouse Rock” related news as an earlier article detailed the story of how the train from “Conjunction Junction” volunteered to haul materials used to build Alligator Alcatraz.

Infant Annihilator Change Name to Avoid Association with Israel

Posted on by Tim Sheard

HULL, U.K. — Extreme metal provocateurs Infant Annihilator are changing their name in an effort to minimize any association with the State of Israel and their ongoing efforts in Palestine, the band announced in a statement.

“We like to josh around and push the envelope with songs named things like ‘Cuntcrusher’ and ‘Childchewer’ but upon seeing a YouTube comment comparing us to Netanyahu because of our name, we found our moral limit,” admitted founding drummer Aaron Kitcher, who is reportedly working on his first album of children’s lullabies. “Now people think we are state-run media all because our name reflects the apparent policy of an actual country. We just want to sing fun songs about disemboweling the innocent; real genocide is no laughing matter.”

Fans of Infant Annihilator expressed some confusion at the sudden change of heart coming from their beloved deathcore band.

“I’m taken aback by Infant Annihilator expressing regret over, well, anything,” said longtime fan Lee Bletchley, who often comments on the band’s videos as xGoreShitter69x. “But I have to give the band props for doing the literal bare minimum of what is right in order to oppose one of the true, ongoing horrors of the world- unlike Radiohead. I hope IA resume their throat-shredding squeals and borderline impossible drum programming soon. In the meantime, I’ll relax by rewatching Salo for the sixtieth time.”

Members of the pro-Israel lobby chastised Infant Annihilator for the controversial renaming and offered suggestions on how to return to their good graces.

“Infant Annihilator changing their name is dangerous, cowardly, and frankly anti-Semetic,” stated AIPAC spokesperson Pauline Smith. “To accuse Israel of only annihilating infants is inaccurate and harmful. We are absolutely capable of killing adolescents, adults, and the elderly as well. We demand the band change their name to ‘Hamas Annihilator’ and release a track featuring Michael Rappaport and Brett Gelman doing rap verses. They might come out of this with a nice toe-tapper after all.”

As of press time, Infant Annihilator are rumored to be experiencing infighting over their two name option finalists: “The Great Spermfister Homicide” and “Hallowed Buffet of Anuses.”

The Timeless Thrill of Pouring Hot Oil Directly Down the Kitchen Sink and 5 Other Hidden Perks for Millennials Who Will Never Own Property

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

Listen up, weary renters! Are you bummed over the fact that you’ll never know the joy that comes with owning property and accumulating wealth as you sip iced tea on your backyard porch and think about the finer things in life? Well, it’s time to start thinking about the finer things in life that you’re able to enjoy in the present moment, like cavalierly pouring hot oil directly down the kitchen sink because you’ll never not be at the mercy of a landlord!

Sure, you’ll probably die without any worthwhile assets to your name, but at least you can destroy the plumbing on somebody else’s dime. It’s the little things, really.

What are they going to do? Dock you on your security deposit? It’s cute of you to assume that you’ll ever break your lease at this point, so you might as well enjoy the hidden perks of shared walls and shitty neighbors to make renting life just a little more enjoyable.

It’s Not Your Plumbing –
So you poured too much bacon grease and canola oil down the drain, and now it’s irreparably clogged. This is a huge problem, right? Wrong! Since you’re stuck renting from Mr. Moneybags anyway, all this means is that you don’t even need to read the labels and second guess yourself when trying to purchase industrial-strength solvents from the hardware store. If the old pipes beneath your sink can’t handle the cleaning material of your choosing and burst at the seams with unsavory gunk, just call maintenance. It’s their problem now!

Increased Pool Access –
Inexplicable water main breaks and renting are synonymous, and 100% mutually exclusive from how you treat your own plumbing on a regular basis, but you can use these incidents to your advantage if you’re smart enough. When the municipal sludge pumps saturate the air with their sulfury brand of human excrement and gas buildup, the community pool clears out faster than my kitchen when I realize that pouring an active grease fire down the drain actually makes the problem infinitely worse. My living situation may now be considered “condemned,” but who am I to complain when I gain all of this raft real estate in the interim?

It’s Okay That You Didn’t Learn Cursive –
You’re still a bit salty that Tech Education, Auto Shop, and Home Economics were removed from your curriculum when you were coming of age because they all teach necessary life skills that pay for themselves both materially and monetarily. But at least you didn’t waste an entire semester learning cursive in the third grade because it’s not like you’re going to be signing a mortgage any time soon.

Loud Neighbors are a Blessing, Not a Curse –
For the longest time, I used to hate my upstairs neighbors because of how goddamn loud they are. But whether I’m overhearing an act of domestic violence or the place is being ransacked after a drug-deal gone wrong, I sleep easy knowing that I can listen to my Van Halen records as loud as I want, or even vacuum after 9:00 pm because I’m so much more quiet by comparison. It’s like I cracked the code for living deliberately at the expense of others who are suffering immeasurably … just like my landlord, who does the same thing by charging me $2,500 a month for a 650 square foot studio apartment.

The Crawl Space Isn’t Part of My Lease –
There’s a vacant apartment across the breezeway, meaning the crawl space below it is also vacant. I use it to store the camping gear I need to set up when the ceiling above my bed leaks, but mostly I just go there to cry because it’s my little secret garden.

Directionless Loser Pretty Happy

Posted on by Doug Kolic

MESA, Ariz. — A local man, described by everyone who knows him as an unambitious, directionless complete loser, is reportedly pretty cool with that, according to sources watching him meander around the neighborhood without a care in the world.

“I prefer to live in the moment. Dreams, aspirations, and personal achievements just get in the way of that,” stated 42-year-old Tanner Briscoe as he vaped on a park bench watching people hustle to work. “All my life I’ve been told I’m a failure because I have no drive, but I’m very happy—so if that makes me a dud, so be it. My grandparents let me stay in their garage after my parents kicked me out, but honestly, I’ve got everything I could ever want. Who needs goals when you can play Scrabble with Gran and Gramps all day?”

Briscoe’s longtime friend Chris Hartenstein can’t believe someone like him isn’t miserable.

“He’s always lived a purposeless life,” said his pal who looked 20 years older than his age because of the crippling weight of all his responsibilities. “No job, no partner, no kids—how can that bring contentment? Last week I was up to my eyeballs with work, juggling daycare and divorce court, while Tanner spent most of his time trying to find some Pokémon card on eBay that he ‘needed’ for his collection. It’s time he grew up and lived a life of unrelenting pain like the rest of us.”

Psychologist Emily DeChambre described how ne’er-do-wells achieve joy.

“There’s no secret to this,” DeChambre explained. “Society pressures us to get a job, get married, and have children. But without those things—which can often be soul-sucking and burdensome—you’re left with the closest thing to true happiness that exists in this world. As long as you have a roof over your head, food, and some time to yourself, what more could you want? Throw in some old fashioned board games with your sweet old grandparents and, uhhh…Sorry, I think I just came.”

At press time, Briscoe was seen setting up his backyard hammock while the rest of his friends were trying to figure out how they were going to pay for their kids’ education.

New York Mayor Eric Adams Excited to Give Diddy A Second Key to City That Actually Opens Most Hotel Room Doors

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — New York Mayor Eric Adams announced he plans to give Sean “Diddy” Combs a second key to the city with the ability to open most hotel room doors following the musician’s acquittal on the most serious charges he faced, sources confirmed.

“This key is a symbol that we should all embrace and trust one of the greatest musicians of a generation. It will allow him to access virtually every hotel room where he will be allowed to watch you sleep, or if you’re lucky, provide you with drugs and watch you make love for hours,” said Mayor Adams. “You know what else is cool about this thing? It unlocks all those security doors at CVS so you don’t have to wait around for some teenage employee to bring you the key. This key will allow Diddy to grab all the baby oil he needs.”

Lawyers for Mr. Combs thanked the mayor for his support and generosity.

“Mayor Adams has been a great advocate for our client. I’ve talked with Mr. Combs about this offer and he said he will put that key to use immediately. If you are a beautiful woman that has always fantasized about having Diddy watch you have sex then this will be a golden age for you, he promises to be there in the corner, interjecting every so often with his trademark hype phrases,” said lead defense attorney Marc Agnifilo. “We look forward to when Mr. Combs can get back to living a simple life where he hosts wild sex parties with the best B-list celebrities in the business.”

Lifelong New York resident Carla Suarez says she is unhappy with the mayor’s decision.

“It’s kind of fucked up. There are a lot of problems that need solving in this city, I don’t think handing keys to a sex pest are going to fix things,” said Suarez. “I’m scraping by trying to put food on my table, now I have to worry that Diddy is going to come into my house when I’m gone and make a sandwich or eat the Chef Boyardee Ravioli I buy for my kids. New York needs new leadership, and we need it fast.”

At press time, Mayor Adams extended an invite to Diddy for an all-expenses paid vacation to Instanbul.

Elon Musk Promises His New Political Party Will Be Based on His Careful Study of South African Politics Pre-1990

Posted on by Stephen Bell

BOCA CHICA, Texas – The world’s richest man, Elon Musk, says that he will be creating a new political party based heavily on his careful study of South African politics before 1990 after expressing his dissatisfaction with the direction that Donald Trump is currently taking the United States, multiple chronically online goons confirmed.

“I think that America would really benefit from a political party much like the one in power when I was growing up as the modest son of an emerald miner outside of Johannesburg,” said a droopy-eyed Elon Musk, fading in and out of consciousness. “I’ve studied the old South African political system and it was a utopia for all South Africans. Yes, there is a lot of misinformation online about South Africa’s National Party, but once I reprogram Grok to answer questions correctly then everyone will know how great they were, and how the United States could really benefit from its core principles.”

One Trump voter was less convinced by Musk’s proposition as he felt his needs were already being met.

“I’m sure Elmo has his heart in the right place but what he’s offering isn’t really any different from what I’m already getting,” said Republican party member Isaac Cunningham. “To be honest, I haven’t seen that many illegal immigrants running around anymore now that they’ve been forced into hiding. I guess the only thing Elon could do to make me switch is to get robots doing the deportations because I am getting tired of impersonating an ICE officer.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu stated that he thinks Musk might really be onto something here.

“Unlike South Africa the state of Israel has never abandoned the policies that once made South Africa great,” said the leader in between ordering the bombing of children’s hospitals. “Everyone in our society is nicely sectioned off into the corridors where they belong and Israelis are much happier for it. My only advice is that if someone does start opposing your party just be aware that polonium tea tends to fix all of your problems.”

At press time, Musk was seen dancing and singing along with an AI-generated hologram of Miley Cyrus announcing it’s “Apartheid in the USA.”