The job market is absolutely brutal right now. And when you’re someone like me, who doesn’t have a “bachelor’s degree” in the traditional sense, it can be tough to land that ever-elusive interview. I’m constantly thinking of new ways to at least give hiring managers a second of pause before they throw my resume in the trash. And I think I’ve got something, even if the lamest people on the planet will probably call it “stolen valor.”
I didn’t last long in Boy Scouts. Something about an attitude problem. Or maybe it was that thing about starting fires in places other than the designated campfire spot. Regardless, when my old, decrepit Scoutmaster wasn’t ranting about how Middle Easterners “hate freedom” or how he simply wouldn’t have gotten trapped by a rock the way Aron Ralston did, I recall him insisting that reaching the rank of Eagle Scout would open up all kinds of doors career-wise. I may not have made Eagle, but much like how any asshole can just buy a blue checkmark on Twitter and act like it makes them important, I’m not going to let a technicality stop me from reaping the benefits of that patch.
I know what you’re thinking. “Isn’t the BSA an antiquated, jingoistic organization that borders on paramilitarism while also somehow making all its members look utterly unintimidating?” Well, yes. But you have to remember that a lot of companies are run by dorky boomers who eat that shit up. All you have to do is put “Eagle Scout” on your resume, tell them your local Scoutmaster died and will thus be unavailable for calls (for all you know, you’re not even lying), and get your hands on an official Eagle rank insignia to show anyone who gets a little too inquisitive.
“How exactly does one procure said insignia?” I hear you asking. “Surely, they’re kept under heavy guard in some sort of armored facility.” Nope. They’re available at your local Scout Shop for $2.99. “They’re at least locked in a glass case or hidden behind the counter, right?” Nah, they’re just kind of there. “But don’t you need to provide paperwork proving you’ve earned the patch before you can buy it?” you ask? Well, I don’t know how tight you think security is at the Scout Shop, but let’s just say whether they know it or not, they got a 5-finger discount running 24/7.
Look, we both know that if you’re here reading this, you’ve probably swiped a band patch or two from the merch table in your time. Same basic principle. Get in, get what you need, get out. And for the love of God, don’t look at the security cameras. But if stealth isn’t your thing, you could always just snatch and run. Do you really think the dweeb working the counter is going to chase you?
If you go with option two, you might as well also steal one of the Eagle Scout medals they put on the pocket flap just above the patch – because THAT’S not redundant. And at that point, go ahead and grab a Pinewood Derby Car Kit, too. It won’t help with your job hunt, but it’ll give you something to do while you wait to hear back from recruiters. Fair warning: it’ll still probably be a while.
