Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Taking Breaks From Sobbing To Sly and The Family Stone and the Beach Boys

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another week filled with the simultaneous loss of musical legends and our collective faith in humanity. They say music heals all, but lately we’ve just been using it to fill the silent voids within our workdays. Despite the dwindling medicinal properties of the medium, we all could use multiple distractions, so here’s six songs we kind of listened to this week while mostly just zoning out.

Turnstile ‘Sunshower’

In case you missed it while silently mouthing ‘what the fuck?’ at every single news headline you’ve read, Turnstile’s long awaited third album ‘Never Enough’ came out last week and it shreds. Or. It bops? Or. It’s kinda dreamy but in a heavy way? Who actually knows what the hell this band is doing anymore? All we really know is that it’s a pretty triumphant return for a band that’s barely been able to leave the minds of everyone that played ‘Glow On’ ad infinitum since it was released.

Frankie Cosmos ‘Pressed Flower’

In case your quietest friend hasn’t already whispered to you about it, lo-fi indie punk heroes Frankie Cosmos are set to release their album, ‘Different Talking’ in just two weeks. So far, the lead singles ‘Vanity’ and ‘Bitch Heart’ have shown that head songwriter Greta Kline is seemingly incapable of writing a bad hook filled with almost creepy levels of relatable lyricism. Their latest, ‘Pressed Flower’ is no exception, with couplets that hit so close to the bone you’ll probably want to submit a data deletion request to the band.

Ganser ‘Black Sand’

Chicago art-punk trio Ganser announced their new album ‘Animal Hospital’ produced by the Liars frontman Angus Andrew – which should be kind of obvious given the precarious sounding lead single ‘Black Sand’ – their first new music since 2022’s EP ‘Nothing You Do Matters.’ ‘Black Sands’ driving backbeat fights for control over a swirling fog of guitars and distorted vocals, causing a scene not witnessed since your friend went to their employer’s open bar work party.

Moving Mountains ‘Ghosts’

Recently your therapist texted you out of the blue to see if you needed to make an appointment. This might be because of the state of the world right now, but we think it’s probably more related to the fact that Moving Mountains released their first new song in over a decade. ‘Ghosts’ is the first single from the post-hardcore outfit’s first album in 12 years, ‘Pruning Of The Lower Limbs’ …yikes. We got about ten seconds into the track before immediately checking how many mental health days we have left this year, so good luck.

Jer ‘The Way You Tune It Out’

Skatune Network founder Jeremy Hunter, or JER, will be releasing their second album ‘Death of the Heart’ in August. Some would say that it’s bad form to release a ska-punk album as the summer season is dwindling, but thanks to global warming, many of us will still be skanking well into November. The lead single ‘The Way You Tune It Out’ is a masterclass in screaming a comprehensive list of every modern political, economical and environmental horror while also making everyone listening want to dance until their knee makes that weird noise again.

Berwanger ‘Exorcism Rock’

Recently our Editor-in-Chief called everyone into his office and asked if we had heard criminally underappreciated 2016 album ‘Exorcism Rock’ by Berwanger – the solo project of former The Anniversary frontman Josh Berwanger. Those who said no were immediately sent to a lecture hall in an undisclosed location of the building where we assume they have been listening to the album repeatedly for the past 72 hours with no end in sight. Those of us who lied have also been listening to the album on loop, initially out of fear, but now out of love. We’d call it Stockholm Syndrome, but it’s just undeniably catchy shit.

Still looking for that sweet, sweet, escapism? Don’t worry. We have a whole playlist with these songs plus everything we’ve listened to for this entire year. Every week we’ll add more songs until it becomes a hideous reflection of a person we no longer recognize. You can check it out below:

Trump Begins Parade With 21-Gun Salute Into Crowd of Protestors

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — President Trump kicked off his birthday parade today with a 21-gun salute fired into a crowd of ‘No Kings’ protestors, sources confirmed.

“The military threw me the most beautiful birthday parade today, and although I’m another year older I’m still very young in my brain. The doctors say I have one of the youngest brains they have ever studied. Can you believe that? They want to keep my brain after I die, they want to put it in a museum and have my brain teach kids about business. But sadly some nasty Antifa thugs tried to ruin our good time today, and that 21-gun salute taught them a lesson, didn’t it folks?” said Trump. “I warned them not to protest, but maybe they should have listened instead of trying to ruin the greatest parade in the history of our country, which by the way had more casualties than the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade ever had! You know Garfield called me and asked if he could ditch those losers and float at my parade next year, I said Garfield you do that and we can take care of your Odie problem for you.”

Fox News host Jesse Watters was quick to praise the display of military power.

“Wow, what an incredible parade—the patriotism, the display of military might, the mass shooting of protestors—it’s days like these that really make you proud to be an American. Thank you, President Trump,” said Watters, wiping a tear from his eye. “Even libs suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome have to admit that watching twenty-one Americans step up and volunteer to be ritually sacrificed for the glory of our Dear Leader was inspiring. No other President in our history would be able to inspire that kind of devotion, and I think today was truly the day that we saw our new King crowned.”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was quick to chastise the execution of peaceful protestors in the most tepid terms possible.

“Under normal circumstances the Democratic Party fully supports law enforcement’s right to brutally quell protests, but the use of a respected military tradition to do so is highly irregular and completely inappropriate,” said Chuck Schumer, whipping out ‘the good stationary’. “Well rest assured, we’ve got skywriters on standby near Mar-a-Lago, and emergency pizzas are on their way to the White House right now, but get this—there’s gonna be a bullseye with an ‘X’ through it drawn in pepperoni. And if this happens two or three more times, we’ll be forced to deploy Lin Manuel Miranda, so consider yourself warned.”

At press time, Elon Musk’s counter-parade also turned into a mass-casualty event after every vehicle in the Cyber Truck procession exploded.

MAGA Patriot Accidentally Recreates Pride Flag After Adding a Few Too Many “Thin Line” Colors to Stars and Stripes

Posted on by Matthew Quinn Martin

YAPHANK, N.Y. — Local Donald Trump supporter Andy Damiano made something of a stir on his block after erecting a modified version of Old Glory in front of his house that many believe bears a striking resemblance to the Pride Flag, sources report.

“It’s really about bringing us all together as Americans,” said Damiano when questioned about the motive behind his display. “And I think it’s working. There were a bunch of libtards in Subarus with Harris/Walz bumper stickers still on them, honking and waving and yelling ‘Woo-Hoo!’ at me yesterday. And even the feminazi next door—you know the type, with one of those ‘In This House’ lawn signs—came over to tell me how much she approved. Then she asked me if I did it for pride. You’re Goddamn right I did it for pride! I’m proud of all the brave men and ladies that keep America great. Maybe I misjudged her.”

Damiano’s childhood friend and poker buddy Zach Dubé finds the entire thing perplexing and a little embarrassing.

“I’m partially to blame here,” commented Dubé. “I mean, he used to have one of those standard issue ones with the thin blue line on it, and I pointed out that us garbage collectors are three times as likely to get killed on the job as cops, but nobody’s thanking us for our service or offering us qualified immunity. We should get a stripe! Andy didn’t believe me about that at first, but he checked it with Grok, and things just kind of snowballed from there. Brown for us, pink for the nurses, yellow for ‘asset protection,’ and on and on until he just ran out of bars. He did leave one white one, though, for ICE. I don’t have it in me to tell him what he accidentally recreated. He worked so hard on that flag. It’d break his heart.”

LGBTQIA+ community alliance leader Terry Parsons-Dobroshtan took note of Damiano’s inadvertent allyship.

“Obviously, this guy is confused and kind of a dumbass,” responded Parsons-Dobroshtan. “But it ultimately becomes sort of a ‘stopped clock right twice a day’ thing. I mean if some queer kid walking down the street spots what looks like another Pride Flag variation flying right above one that says ‘Don’t Tread On Me,’ and gets the sense that here is a person willing to stand up for the at-risk and marginalized, it’s hard to argue with the result. Of course. I wouldn’t want said kid to strike up a conversation and have the illusion ruined, but nine times out of ten these MAGA guys have court orders preventing them from coming within fifty feet of a minor anyway.”

As of press time, Damiano is said to be considering adding more colored stripes to the flag’s left edge in a triangle pattern to better reflect the Holy Trinity and America’s heritage as a Christian nation.

True Life: I’m Still Chasing the High of Shopping at Urban Outfitters in 2009 While Empire of the Sun Blasts in the Background

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

2009 was a simpler time. Obama was in office, James Cameron had unleashed ‘Avatar’ on our feeble minds, and K-Stew and R-Patz were an item. It really was a “Party in the U.S.A.” back then, and nothing quite exemplified it like shopping at Urban Outfitters while Empire of the Sun blasted in the background.

I truly felt alive wandering around that store. The questionable tribal print t-shirts, unlimited Himalayan salt lamps, and overpriced American Apparel hoodies were like a river we had no idea would one day stop flowing. I’ve been searching for that same feeling for years. I haven’t had any real success yet, but here are some attempts I’ve made at re-capturing the magic:

1. Hit up Mike from college and ask if he wants to go to the mall on Wednesday even though he has kids and a full-time job. He kindly declines. Instead, I go to the mall on my own, wonder where all the stores are, and commit some light shoplifting at Bath and Body Works.

2. Blast Arcade Fire and stare out the window like I’m in a music video. Get pulled over for driving too slow on the freeway while screaming the lyrics to “Wake Up.”

3. Get sidebangs right before my brother’s wedding. My hair is not very long, so micro bangs will do. Pose for all pictures with my feet turned inward and text lyrics to myself the whole time for posting later on Tumblr.

4. Get stoned in a Rite Aid parking lot and eat Burger King at 1 am. Drive around my neighborhood listening to old episodes of Loveline with Dr. Drew while realizing I may have been the problem in most, if not all, of my relationships.

5. Mix a bunch of liqueurs, Kool-Aid Aid and whatever alcohol my parents have at their house in the biggest bowl I can find. Bring it over to my buddy Mike’s house. He’s not there, so I set up a chair on his front lawn and drink the jungle juice out of a ladle. I’m between jobs, so I have the time to learn how to play Owl City’s “Fireflies” on the ukulele and post it on Facebook.

6. Watch the special features on ‘The Hangover’ DVD. Quote it word for word to my parents. Take Molly at home by myself while listening to MGMT’s Oracular Spectacular. My dog looks at me like I’m ruining his life.

7. Fill an empty water bottle with Vodka and bring it with me to minigolf. Call Mike and ask him if he wants to come through. He tells me he’s not that guy anymore and that I need to get my shit together. Classic Mike.

8. Take a photo of myself holding a sign for Mike that says “S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)” and post it on Instagram with a Valencia filter. Tag Mike and all of his coworkers and exes. He’ll have to respond to me now.

Limp Bizkit Fan Figures Out Exact Day in 1998 That Fred Durst Was Singing About in “Break Stuff”

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Limp Bizkit superfan Dylan “Chuds” McKenzie pinpointed the exact day Fred Durst is referring to in the band’s hit single “Break Stuff,” something previously thought impossible by his fellow nu metal fans.

“I was going over the lyrics and it hit me: what if Fred not wanting to wake up, the ‘he-said, she-said bullshit,’ and the threat of bodily harm with a chainsaw were all connected? From there, I just had to hack into the IRS database and pore through all of Limp Bizkit’s tax write-offs for a chainsaw,” explained McKenzie. “Once I found a November 20th, 1998 Home Depot receipt for a $500 Husqvarna 365, all the other pieces fell into place. On that day, Fred Durst slept through his alarm and missed a call-in radio interview. The two morning show hosts—a man and a woman—started talking shit about him so Durst threatened to put a hit on them before going out and buying a chainsaw so he could do the job himself. It was only after Limp Bizkit’s lawyers explained to Fred how much a murder conviction would hurt the band’s record sales that Durst calmed down and wrote ‘Break Stuff’ instead.”

McKenzie’s boyfriend Adam Dreyfuss says he has been obsessing over this mystery since before the two met in a Limp Bizkit Facebook group five years ago.

“Look, I love the Bizkit, but Dylan takes it to an unhealthy level,” admitted Dreyfuss. “We were only dating for a week when he told me his life’s passion was figuring out when the events of ‘Break Stuff’ occurred. Talk about a red flag. Had I known how many nights I’d be eating dinner by myself and going to bed alone while he hid in the basement trying to solve his ‘mystery’ I never would have gone out with him in the first place.”

Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst acknowledged McKenzie’s hard work as the fan became something of a hero in the nu metal community.

“These fans, man, it blows me away how far they’ll go to figure our shit out,” said Durst. “This Dylan guy absolutely nailed the inspiration for ‘Break Stuff’—I mean, he was 100% spot on. Some other fan just discovered that ‘Faith’ off our first record was originally done by the dude from Wham! I’ve been singing that song for almost 30 years, and I had no idea. Talk about a mind blower!”

At press time, McKenzie planned to solve the mystery of the meaning behind “Nookie.”

Crust Punk “Hot Ones” Knockoff Has Guests Huff Increasingly Hazardous Solvents

Posted on by Tim Graham

PITTSBURGH — A punk-themed YouTube show called “Huff Ones” where guests inhale volatile substances is gaining popularity despite warnings from health officials, according to sources.

“I saw how popular ‘Hot Ones’ got, and I figured, shit, I could do that,” said Will “Boner” Bonelli while filling a paper bag with air freshener. “I happened to come up with an angle that appealed to the demographic I wanted to reach. The format is simple: I bring on someone from a band or the local scene and interview them while they huff harder and harder shit. We start with rubber cement and work our way up through whippits, duster, starting fluid, gasoline, et cetera. Very few of my guests get all the way to xenon.”

Glenn Hemphill, singer for local punk band Greasy Thief, appeared on one of the most popular episodes of the show.

“I have very little memory of even being on the show,” said Hemphill while reviewing video of his appearance. “You can see my eyes glaze over right after I take a lungful of Carbona. Then Boner asks me about our newest record and I fall out of my chair. When I get up, I do a hit of butane and that seems to right the ship enough that I’m able to carry on with the interview. Overall, I’d say it was a positive experience—we got at least a dozen more followers on Bandcamp. I did have a hard time explaining why my beard was covered in silver spray paint to my boss the next day, though.”

Other shows have tried to capitalize on the success of “Hot Ones,” according to longtime TV producer Hank Spector.

“Any time we see a cultural phenomenon like that, there will always be a bunch of copycats trying to ride on its coattails,” explained Spector. “For instance, there’s an upcoming program for Peacock where celebrity guests answer questions while different types of insects sting and bite them. Then there’s the ill-advised ‘Shot Ones,’ which involves guests being shot with progressively more dangerous projectiles. It starts with a BB gun and eventually escalates to rubber bullets. It’s a really sadistic concept—I wish I’d come up with it!”

At press time, production of “Huff Ones” had been shut down after a guest absent-mindedly lit a cigarette on the fume-filled set.

Recession Avoided? Everyone in This Bar Is Paying Extra To Bury My Song Choices on Touchtunes

Posted on by Ben Friedman

There’s a lot of anxiety over the economy these past few months. It feels like this country is just one tariff away from sending the job market into the shitter indefinitely. It sure has been keeping me up at night, knowing I might wake up in the morning to find myself unemployed and unable to afford food. Tonight I figured I’d take the edge off at the bar with the little disposable money I had, drop a $20 into the Touchtunes, and forget my worries.

Well, I’ve been here for two hours and I’ve discovered some good news and some bad news. Good news is, it looks like the recession fears were grossly exaggerated. The bad news is I only discovered that because multiple assholes in this bar are outspending me to bury my song choices and play theirs next.

And here I thought this country was in a financial death spiral! Apparently nobody here is aware we’re on the cusp of a financial crisis the way they’re shelling out an extra dollar or two just to push all my shit to the bottom. I can’t wait to see the next job report from the government, because I better see that the workforce created 90 million new jobs the way people are throwing $2 around. Either that or there are a lot of silver spoon posers in this dive. Both are plausible!

Here’s a fun fact: Did you know that even if you pay extra to play your song next, somebody can come along and just skip you anyway? I plunked down an extra $20, and I haven’t heard a single song I’ve chosen for two hours now. Every time I’m next, here come ten more songs that aren’t by Turnstile like I fucking wanted. Where can I get my hands on the kind of capital that allows me to spit in the face of inflation and cut in line?

I don’t want to hear one person in this bar complain about the cost of living or that they need three roommates in a studio apartment just to afford a roof over their head, because one of them has the privilege of paying an extra to unironically play Creed’s “Human Clay” in its entirety.

I swear I will drain my bank account just to hear something, anything that I choose. I just have to remind myself it’ll be worth it if it boosts the economy.

Meta Now Partnering With UPS to Mail Pictures of Hitler Directly to Young Men

Posted on by Matt Bieker

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Meta announced a new partnership this week with UPS to physically mail high-gloss, full-color photographs of Adolf Hitler directly to the homes of young men not currently active on social media in a bold expansion of its commitment to algorithmically radicalizing America’s teenagers, confirmed sources.

“We at Meta have always believed in meeting users where they are—whether that’s on Instagram, Facebook, or staring blankly at a wall in their childhood bedroom,” said Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg while sitting inside a sterile cube illuminated by cold LED light. “Our exciting new initiative ensures that even if a young man isn’t being slowly converted into a fascist via meme pages and 90-minute YouTube videos, he’ll still have the opportunity to see well-lit photos of the Führer in his mailbox tailored directly to his interests. We’ve got classic bunker Hitler for the sad boys, outdoorsy Eagle’s Nest Hitler for the crypto/alpha types, and even a ‘funny mustache’ sticker sheet for the kids who just like aesthetics and aren’t really political yet.”

UPS delivery driver Hector Martinez says the new mailings have significantly increased his workload and personal moral discomfort.

“I used to deliver wedding invites and cat medication,” said Martinez, sweat-soaked and visibly winded as he hoisted a sack labeled ‘Operation Mein Drop.’ “Now I’m lugging around 300-pound crates of laminated Hitler prints to houses with Slipknot posters in the window. I handed a kid one last week and he said, ‘Oh sick, another one!’ Like it was a fucking Pokémon card.”

Local 16-year-old high school sophomore Owen Merriweather is one of the estimated 4.3 million teens already receiving Meta’s “Offline Influencer Exposure Kit,” which includes weekly prints, a sticker of a Roman column, and a QR code linking to a Spotify playlist titled “Classical Music for Intellectual Warriors Vol. I.”

“Yeah, I don’t really get it,” said Merriweather while scrolling through a Redpill subreddit he insists he only visits “ironically.” “At first I was like, ‘Damn, why is this war guy showing up at my house?’ But then I kinda started looking into him. I mean, obviously he did some bad stuff, but the haircut is honestly clean. I still think racism is bad, probably. But like, if he was that evil, why would they keep mailing me pictures of him on really nice paper with a personalized note from Meta that reads ‘We see potential in you’?”

At press time, Zuckerberg unveiled a new pilot program with DoorDash to deliver freshly baked sourdough loaves shaped like Mussolini’s head directly to college dormitories in Portland and Austin.

“New Jersey Sober” Friend Only Smokes Cigarettes Found on the Ground

Posted on by Matt Bieker

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Local muralist Tyler Vantucci recently declared himself “New Jersey sober,” a lifestyle he describes as “totally clean, except for found cigarettes, expired kombucha, and the occasional free-range ketamine bump,” confirmed sources.

“I’m not, like, ‘rehab sober,’” said Vantucci while lighting a half-smoked Newport he found outside a Shell station. “I’m spiritually sober. If I didn’t pay for it and it came from the earth—or the sidewalk—it doesn’t count. Out West it’s green juice and ayahuasca in a yurt. Out here it’s ripping menthol butts you found in a puddle while blasting A Day to Remember in your headphones. This is East Coast healing. I’m not numbing myself anymore. I’m present. When I smoke a cigarette off the ground, I feel it in my spirit. Also in my lungs. But that’s part of the journey.”

Roommate Madison Reyes says she now avoids using the word “sober” around him altogether.

“He keeps calling it ‘urban foraging,’ like he’s some kind of nicotine raccoon with a self-help podcast,” Reyes said. “Last week he told my mom he was clean, then pulled a Parliament out of his shoe and said it ‘found him.’ I don’t even know what that means. Not only that but another friend of mine just said he was ‘Long Island sober,’ which evidently means they only smoke cigarettes they’ve bummed off of someone else. I just can’t keep up.”

Caleb Torres, a sober recovery mentor with eight years clean, says he once tried to help Vantucci, but quickly realized they had “fundamentally incompatible definitions of sobriety.”

“He told me he’s working Step Six-and-a-Half, which apparently involves smoking a roach he found in a glove compartment and then gratitude journaling about it,” said Torres. “I invited him to a meeting and he said he couldn’t come because he was scared he would ‘absorb the microplastics in the folding chairs through his ass.’ I got sober after OD’ing behind a Taco Bell. I’m not here to gatekeep. But if your sobriety includes street mushrooms and car-seat cigarettes, maybe don’t call that healing.’”

At press time, Vantucci was spotted leading a sunset “detox ceremony” behind a Jiffy Lube, passing around a crystal pipe filled with what he claimed was “naturally sourced resin.”

Why Does Everyone Tell Me the Wrong Address for Protests? — Guest Post by Sean Penn

Posted on by Ian Steffé

I’ve done the work. The hard, gritty, photogenically lit work. There are black-and-white photos of me crouching beside rubble in Haiti, sweat on my brow, concern in my eyes—deep concern.I’ve stared into the face of suffering while wearing ethically sourced sunglasses. I’m the kind of guy who’ll take the time to learn your culture and native language before threatening to have you fired. So you’ll understand my confusion when I keep getting sent to the wrong goddamn address for every protest.

It feels like this started a few years ago. When the revolution ignited in Egypt in 2012, I knew I had to be there. History was happening, and I wanted to squint meaningfully into it. I was told the protestors were gathering outside this restaurant called “Moisture Chicken and WIFI” near Tahrir Square—so I went. Alone. I stood there holding a sign like a fucking idiot, looking around for the uprising. A couple of kids wandered over and tried to sell me a bootleg DVD of “Milk.” I passed. Then one of them said, “Didn’t you kidnap Madonna? Like, really beat her up?” Before I could explain that love is complicated and the ‘80s were a very different time, my hands decided they’d speak first. I got the hell out of there immediately after, bloody-knuckled and confused.

Years later, I tried to show solidarity with my union brothers and sisters at SAG-AFTRA. I was told the protest was happening at a vape shop called CloudFärt in Van Nuys. I stood outside for six hours. Alone again. No signs. No chants. This guy leaned out of his car and asked, “Hey man, are you still hitting people or what?” The question was so insensitive, so reductive, so deeply disrespectful, I knew I just had to punch him. Unfortunately, he was not a little girl selling DVDs. I woke up inside a dumpster full of expired nicotine pods and the feeling that maybe, just maybe, I’d been misled again.

And don’t even get me started on Gaza. I haven’t been contacted by either side. Not one word. Not even a “Thanks but no thanks.” And I’ve got really good ideas for both conflict zones that don’t even involve punching, but still, radio silence. I’m Sean Fucking Penn. I’ve been to places. I’ve done things. And somehow, in a moment of global crisis, no one wants me playing humanitarian. What am I, Jon Fucking Voight!?

Okay look, if this is about the punching, I apologize. Sort of. Spiritually. In interviews. With long pauses. That’s how men say sorry — we squint, we brood, we imply. But I guess some people just can’t let go of the past, no matter how many Middle Eastern refugee camps I take selfies in.

Apparently, I’m still “that guy.” Like I’m just walking around with two fucking Oscars and a humanitarian award presented by Mikhail Gorbachev, himself — who, by the way, I almost punched, but he flinched like a pussy, so I didn’t. And that counts. I still got his ass.

So please. I’m telling you this up front. If the next protest isn’t at The Wet Couch in the Castro District, please let me know. Because I swear to God, I will really lose my shit this time.