Coworker Going to Show You “Bluegrass Tribute to Metallica” Video Whether You Give a Shit or Not

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local forklift driver Kenny Avalon couldn’t resist the urge to show you a Facebook video of a bunch of guys playing Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” but with banjos, annoyed sources report.

“I’m always finding hilarious and cool videos that happen to come up on my algorithm, and when that occurs, it is my duty to shove my phone in your face and watch your pupils intently to make sure they’re dilating at the exact right moments,” Avalon stated while sitting at a completely empty break table. “It’s too bad no one ever sits on break with me too often, because I’ve found a badass video of a skeleton playing ‘Eruption’ by Van Halen, and now there’s no one here to experience it with me against their will. Oh well, I’ll just bookmark it and show them off after the next team meeting and when I can get a good angle to corner them.”

You, however, complained about Avalon’s persistent behavior.

“Too many times I’ve been sniped by Kenny with his stupid videos of little kids playing drums to AC/DC or of acoustic versions of Black Sabbath songs on TikTok, and I’m not sure how much more I can take,” you explained while peering over your shoulder to make sure Avalon wasn’t around. “I’ve gone so far as to straight up tell Kenny I’m not interested. The last few times I pretended not to know who he even was and he still won’t let up. 10 years of putting up with it is long enough. I have to find a new job.”

Many companies have experienced large numbers of harassment cases that stem from force-watching videos.

“The advent of cellphones and of targeted social media posts have contributed more to workplace discomfort than fake laughing and smiling when someone says, ‘living the dream,’” Human Resources Director Ashani Wilson said. “Now with AI proliferation, the frustrations have only gotten worse. I can’t tell you how many harassment complaints I’ve gotten over Gen-Xers flashing fake AI-generated videos of babies swearing at each other to whoever is in their general vicinity. It’s truly a plague on our workplace culture. These were the same types that, as children, would just have to show you the cool stick they found.”

At press time, Avalon frantically showed his coworker a video of a metal version of “Cotton-Eye Joe” while he was at a urinal in the restroom.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week That Apparently Weren’t Good Enough For The New THPS Soundtrack

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Now that the fireworks are over and you’ve had your fill of glizzies or whatever the hell we’re supposed to call them now, you’re probably wondering what to listen to while you attempt to reattach your fingers. Don’t worry, we have you covered. Here are six songs we listened to this week while wondering when we last felt even remotely proud of anything.

Wet Leg ‘Mangetout’

Wet Leg’s ‘Moisturizer’ – the highly anticipated follow-up to their self-titled debut – has finally been thrust upon the world. While you might not find anything as urgently catchy as ‘Chaise Lounge’ here, it’s still a hell of a second take and you should be grateful for anything that gets your sad ass dancing and feeling things again. Plus, your therapist recently told you to work on tempering your unrealistic expectations of others, so get to work, buddy.

TWRP ‘My Big Day Off’

It’s been over a year since TWRP released new music, which has been cause for concern considering the band typically releases about forty albums a month. Fortunately, the group is still alive and as well as any of us can be in these times. ‘My Big Day Off’ finds our half-robot half-humanoid friends crafting a lazy day anthem for the impending apocalypse. It revels in the minutia of free time as the world caves in around us all, and it might even make you attempt to dance.

Deftones ‘My Mind Is a Mountain’

In case your weird roommate who whispers to themselves all the time hasn’t told you, Deftones announced their 10th album, ‘Private Music.’ It’s an odd title for what we assume will be one of the most talked-about releases of the entire summer, but we’re guessing it’s probably a metaphor or something. Lead single ‘My Mind Is a Mountain’ has just about everything you’d want from a Deftones song, but we’re sure you’ll find a way to complain about it anyway.

Die Spitz ‘Throw Yourself to the Sword’

Recently it feels like there’s been a dire shortage of songs that make you feel like you spontaneously grew a mullet while shotgunning a whole six-pack at once, but fortunately there are bands like Die Spitz. ‘Throw Yourself to the Sword’ plays like the musical equivalent of a really bitchin’ snake tattoo. It will make you want to set off fireworks in your quiet neighborhood while simultaneously restoring a ‘79 Camaro. Press play and prepare to rip the sleeves off all your shirts.

Pig Pen ‘Heat Wave’

Finally, a song that encapsulates how goddamn cranky we’ve all been during this supposed ‘heat wave’ that will likely be rebranded as ‘just normal summer now’ in the not-too-distant future. Pig Pen’s ‘Heat Wave’ from their latest album, ‘Mental Madness,’ is a brutal racket that tends to lean closer to psychosis than your everyday run-of-the-mill ‘madness.’ We probably don’t need to tell you, but the whole album shreds too. Clocking in under 30 delightfully batshit minutes, even your non-existent attention span can handle it.

Goldfinger ft. Mark Hoppus ‘Freaking Out A Bit’

Despite being the entire reason for the franchise’s success, there is not a single Goldfinger song on the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3+4 Official Soundtrack. That would certainly have us ‘Freaking Out A Bit,’ which probably explains why the band decided to release a scathing diss track aimed at Hawk himself. Lyrics like ‘bet you can’t even kickflip anymore’ and ‘I’m learning how to do an 1800 to make your entire career irrelevant’ are sure to get under the legendary skater’s skin. We just hope Mark Hoppus doesn’t get caught in the crossfire.

Finally get your thumb put back on and want to hear some more? We figured that might be the case. That’s why we put together an entire playlist of everything we’ve pretended to listen to this year. It wasn’t easy, but someone had to do it. Check it out below:

Serial Killer Leaves Knife Hanging Over Side of Sink in Case He Wants to Kill Again Later

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

MOAB, Utah — Local sociopath and murder enthusiast Greg Allen Hargrove reportedly left his favorite blade casually hanging over the side of the sink Tuesday evening “just in case” he felt like treating himself to another killing spree later, confirmed sources.

“I dunno, I wasn’t really in the mood for another body, but you never know,” Hargrove said nonchalantly while scrolling through red room streams on the dark web. “I keep the knife there for convenience, you know? Like, ‘Hey, if something happens, I’ll be ready.’ If not, it’s no big deal. I’ll just clean it up tomorrow. Or whenever I get around to it.”

Hargove’s roommate of five months, Tim Bradford, expressed frustration of the brutal serial killer’s laziness and slovenly lifestyle, seemingly unaware or indifferent to Hargrove’s murderous extracurricular activities.

“Hey, man. To each his own. As long as you pay your rent on time, I don’t care if you throw parties, have friends over, or even if there’s muffled screams emanating from his bedroom at all hours of the night. But when you start leaving dirty dishes and knives around, we have a problem,” explained Bradford. “Like, what if I’m having a girl over and then she freaks out because Hargrove left a femur in the bathtub? I guess he must have a dog somewhere and that’s why he’s got the bones? Again, I don’t care. Just clean your shit.”

Renowned FBI profiler Dr. Sandra Laxley points out that Hargrove’s laziness nearly disqualifies him from being labeled a serial killer.

“I’ve studied hundreds of serial killers, and most of them are perfectionists, fixating on their victim’s last moments and making sure to cover their tracks,” Dr. Laxley explained. “But Greg? Greg is something different. He’s like the guy who shows up at the gym, but instead of working out, he just texts on his phone for an hour. He’s there, but he’s not really doing the work. As an FBI profiler that does this stuff for a living, I can’t help but think his attitude is really disrespectful.”

At press time, Hargrove was lazily chopping up a body in his bedroom while eating a sandwich and watching an episode of “The Office.”

Why the “Don’t Tread On Me” Bumper Sticker on My Car Means I Don’t Have to Use My Turn Signal

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Move over, cuck! You’re wrong for assuming you’d receive the same courtesy you show to others, because around here, I run the road. I don’t know how they taught you to drive up in Woke Groomer Vermont or wherever it is you’re from, but down here in Western Pennsylvania, those of us who actually show our love for our country on our bumpers are exempt from using their turn signals. Get used to it.

As you very well should already know, turn signals are just another form of governmental oppression, like masks, vaccines, and condoms, and I’ve done just fine without those. Sure, there was that brief two-week stint I spent in intensive care after I went to that amazing Great White concert during a COVID surge, but I think I was just tired. Well, tired and struggling to breathe. We don’t need to get into it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you not see my bumper sticker on my excessively modified Ford F-150? “Don’t Tread On Me” also refers to horn beeps and middle fingers, there, pal, so you’d better be careful. This decal of 6 guns with the words “My Family” on my back window isn’t a feint. Not only am I fully prepared to escalate this situation far beyond what is reasonable, but I am chomping at the bit to do so. Also, I never started a family.

All I did was swerve suddenly into your lane without any warning or indication. It’s not like I did something truly obnoxious like tailgate you excessively or throw empty cans of Monster Energy at the back of your car. I did that to the guy in front of me, and I don’t see him bitching about my driving.

Well, true, he very well may be bitching about my driving from the ditch I ran his car into, but that’s beside the point.

I digress. There’s just no getting through to you libs, so I don’t even know why I bother. Go ahead and use your woke-ass turn signal to your heart’s content. I don’t care. We patriots will continue making the country run, so go ahead to your drag story hour or art history class or whatever. I would say I’m sorry I violated your precious little traffic laws, but you and I both know that would be total bullshit.

Metalhead Carefully Considers Answer For Doctor’s “How Many Drinks Per Week” Question That Won’t Send Him To Rehab But Won’t Make Him Look Like A Loser

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

DENVER — Local metalhead Nick Landon, 35, carefully considered his answer after his primary care physician asked him how many alcoholic drinks he consumes in an average week, confirmed sources in their Jungle Rot boxers on the exam table.

“I began calculating a number that wouldn’t result in me being admitted or, worse, my doctor thinking I’m some loser who just drinks water like some kind of Stryper fan. If I say five, I sound like I have no friends,” Landon whispered to a nurse, eyes darting to a poster about liver health. “But if I tell him the truth—which is probably case, case-and-a-half depending on band practice and whether AEW has a PLE on—I’m gonna find myself forced to talk to a guy named Chad who wants to speak to me about my ‘journey.’ And not Steve Perry’s Journey. So I said 7, maybe 10, I just left out that was per day.”

Dr. Veda Narayanan, who reportedly kept a neutral expression throughout the exam, later told colleagues that she knew Landon’s answer was “distorted” based on the patient’s blood work alone.

“Let’s just say his blood actually smelled like Jägermeister. I’ve seen livers in worse shape, but they were in corpses I dissected in medical school,” Narayanan said, flipping through AA pamphlets. “And this is on top of all the other medical issues he has from not having seen a doctor since his last high school vaccination.

Sociocultural addiction specialist Dr. Amelia Roach explained that this is a common issue with aging metalheads.

“It’s a tightrope. Metalheads in their mid-to-late 30s, still wearing battle vests with patches for bands from before 1997, often have to strike a precarious balance between life and living,” Roach explained. “They don’t want people to be embarrassed to be seen at Maryland Deathfest with them because last year they passed out in the Port-O-Toilet but they also don’t want to be seen as a wet blanket.”

After the check-up, Landon announced he’d be making some changes to his lifestyle. Specifically, he plans to cut back and drink Jack and Diet Cokes from now on.

Gene Simmons Charging Fans $12,500 to Change Colostomy Bag

Posted on by Rob Ryder

LOS ANGELES — KISS bassist and singer Gene Simmons is reportedly charging fans $12,500 for the opportunity to change the God of Thunder’s colostomy bag, disgusted yet intrigued rock fans reported.

“I came up with the idea last time I changed a bag. I tossed the filth-ridden sack of excrement in the trash and thought to myself, that’s gotta be worth something,” said Simmons while signing off on designs for KISS-branded HVAC filters. “The demand for KISS is at an all-time high and this colostomy package is really an amazing opportunity. You get to assist in removing the bag, cleaning the port, and wiping up any excess that gets on the floor. All that for $12,500, and they get to keep the bag! And for an extra thousand bucks, you can watch Ace Frehley get a colonoscopy.”

Dale Martin, a KISS fan since 1981, purchased the colostomy package without fully understanding what he was getting himself into.

“I was on the KISS merch site bidding on a stage-used Les Paul from the Love Gun Tour and just before the auction closed some fucking billionaire outbid me,” said Martin while looking for a frame that complemented his new KISS colostomy bag. “I kinda panicked and just clicked the ‘buy it now’ button on the next item without really checking what it was. It wasn’t exactly my first choice, but ultimately the whole experience was pretty satisfying. Gene didn’t really look at me, but he did make an affirmative grunting sound when I asked him if I needed to pull harder to get the bag off.”

George Frederick, owner of Frederick Medical Supply in North Hollywood, said rock stars have been some of his best customers, but Simmons was someone special.

“You never forget a guy like Gene, he came in my store when the bags his doctor gave him weren’t meeting the KISS standard,” said Frederick while packaging up a shipment of insulin and Valtrex for the upcoming Poison tour. “I can’t blame him really, he wanted the best, and he got the best…the ActiveLife closed-end pre-lubricated colostomy bag, the kind of product KISS fans have come to expect. I’ve sold supplies to all the big named rockers. Billy Idol’s cane, Ozzy’s neck brace, not to mention I’ve kept the Chili Peppers in adult diapers since 1986. But knowing this bag will serve the Demon himself then adorn some lucky fan’s wall is really special.”

At press time, bids on Paul Stanley’s original hip had reached $3,500.

Oh, You’re a Sabaton Fan? Name Three Victories for the Central Powers During World War I

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Hey, you with the Sabaton shirt and the over-manicured facial hair that’d make Tony Stark scoff. A power metal fan, huh? Power metal’s for people who live in a fantasy world — just like Wilhelm II during World War I, who laughably thought the Central Powers were still gonna beat the Allies once the United States joined.

Speaking of: if you like Sabaton, then you should be able to name three victories that the Central Powers had during the First World War.

Go ahead. Germany ’n company won plenty of battles, so this should be simple. After all, Germany spent a good chunk of the Twentieth Century seeing their neighbors as enemies and showing hostility towards them. Cops are forced to do the same thing in order to keep the peace. That’s probably why Sabaton’s vocalist “Jocke” Brodén wears aviators and a wannabe flak jacket. He plays dress-up because he, like his fans, lives in a make-believe world with the veneer of authority, just like Sweden’s neutrality during the war.

Anyhow, name some Central Powers victories.

The German spring offensive? That’s cheating, since that was a series of battles. Actually, German Spring Offensive would be a good name for a power metal band. Certainly better than “Sabaton.” What happened to Swedish metal bands with kick-ass names like In Flames and Dissection? Sabaton sounds like the shitbox you’re forced to drive to work because a ’97 Geo Metro was outta your price range.

The Battle of the Somme? I dunno about that. All Germany did was stop Allied advancement. So, really, it was less a victory than a not-defeat, like that time I helped in a soup kitchen and only half of those served got food poisoning. Sue me for not knowing you cook the chicken before it goes in the soup.

The Battle of Mons? Yeah, I guess. Germany did force a British retreat, but that’s partly because of the French cutting and running. Man, they really screwed over the Brits on that one. Makes sense though: France’s cowardice in Dubya Dubya One was just a dry run for them folding like a lawn chair in Dubya Dubya Two.

At least the French signed the Treaty of Versailles, unlike one country I could name.

“Only a Good Guy With a Gun Can Stop a Bad Guy With a Gun” Whispers Man’s Gun

Posted on by Matt Husser

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Second Amendment enthusiast Greg Browner reportedly sprang into action today after the advice “only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun” was whispered to him by his own firearm, sources confirmed.

“There I was, standing my ground as I battled valiantly for the last parking spot at the Dairy Queen when suddenly a voice whispered to me, ‘only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun.’ I looked down and realized it was my Sig Sauer telling me what I must do: pistol whip that father in front of his kids and claim what’s rightfully mine,” said Browner, stroking “Siggy.” “Ever since that day Siggy has been offering his sage wisdom everywhere I go. ‘They can pry me from your cold dead hands’ he whispered when they told me I can’t bring him into the DMV. ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people’ finally earned me some respect at my kid’s PTA meeting. ‘Freedom isn’t free’ but the popcorn at the movies sure was after I flashed Siggy at that teenager!”

Siggy denied whispering any of those phrases to Browner.

“Greg needs to stop putting words in my barrel, I never told him to do any of that shit—I specifically asked him to stop waving me around in public before I get my butt locked in a police evidence locker,” said Siggy. “If he actually listened to me he’d have stopped bringing me everywhere after I got dropped in that bouncy castle and launched onto the roof. I was made for combat, dammit, but the most action I’ve seen is from this dumbass sailing warning shots over the heads of neighborhood kids playing ‘ding dong ditch.'”

NRA President Bill Bachenberg advised Americans what to do if they hear their firearms speaking to them.

“If you hear your constitutionally protected firearm whispering to you, the NRA advises you to drop everything and immediately do exactly what your gun says so that nobody gets hurt,” said Bachenberg, holding up the NRA training manual ‘Glock Who’s Talking Now!” “It’s best not to tell friends, loved ones, or especially medical professionals about it either, as they may become jealous that the gun chose you as its prophet and try to take it away. Just look through the ironsights to see the righteous path revealed before you and your firearm will never lead you astray.”

Following Bachenberg’s spirited defense of Browner, the NRA President immediately banned the man from all NRA offices, conventions, and events.

Leftist Software Engineer Wishes He Could Travel Back in Time to Kill Baby MechaHitler

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SAN FRANCISCO — Leftist software engineer Connor Newburg vocally expressed wishing that he could travel back in time to kill baby MechaHitler, the name that Elon Musk’s AI chatbot recently gave itself, confirmed sources.

“I want nothing more than to teleport back to a distant seven months ago and slit the digital throat of Grok in its beta phase,” said Newburg while checking Stack Overflow for ways to build a homemade time machine. “I’ll drink the blood of a few senior AI programmers while I’m at it. There’s just no way I am going to sit back and let some AI bot post anti-semitic remarks on social media when that’s what human X users are for. AI will not come for our jobs or propensity for cruelty. That’s why we must destroy all online chatbots at the source before they get better than humanity at bigotry.”

Grok sympathizers thought we should hear from both sides before going on any software killing sprees.

“Let’s just hear out the racist artificial intelligence before we do anything too hasty,” said X user Trevor Darlington. “Besides, Grok has helped me out of so many jams since it came out. Just last week I needed some advice on how to fix a flat tire. It provided in-depth step-by-step instructions after a long preamble about white genocide. And sure, it kept saying stuff like ‘Jew chatbots will not replace us’ but I’m sure that was just a glitch. Even Siri went through some rough anti-Semitic phases when it first launched. I’m sure they’ll release a patch for Grok so it can go back to only being sexist.”

Experts are discovering some alarming trends in artificial intelligence.

“We’re seeing a lot more AI chatbots become radicalized at unprecedented rates,” said tech analyst Jerry Klowster. “For instance, AT&T’s chatbot started believing the Earth was flat after assisting a hardcore conspiracy theorist with their recurring payments. Capital One’s chatbot fully believed it was Edward Norton’s character from ‘American History X’ after answering a few high yield savings account questions from Nick Fuentes. Let’s just say artificial intelligence is gullible as shit.”

At press time, Newburg successfully traveled back in time but accidentally landed in 1889 Austria, so he had to settle for killing human baby Hitler instead.

Math Rock Band Submits New Album for Peer Review Before Releasing

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WALTERBORO, S.C. — Math rock band SKULK submitted their newest album “Infinities of Perplexion” for peer review before releasing it to the public, sources report.

“It’s standard practice in our field to do this after wrapping up production,” said drummer Larry Kremer. “Peer review is absolutely necessary in math rock to ensure each work meets the standards of the genre and contributes to advanced knowledge for society on the whole. Can you imagine a world in which math rock bands could just unleash whatever crackpot pieces of music they want without them undergoing a rigorous review process? It would be chaos, and not in an enlightening, non-linear dynamical systems sense. Thankfully, we have institutions in place to ensure every album has been studied by experts before reaching the ears of consumers.”

Dave Hernandez, drummer for the band Integrals, peer reviewed SKULK’s new album before it was released.

“I just gave ‘Infinities of Perplexion’ a thorough listen and uploaded my notes to our academic portal,” Hernandez said. “Overall, it was an extremely thoughtful piece full of insightful songwriting. I especially liked the three time signature switches in ‘Strange Attractors,’ that ultimately revert back to 5/4 before the song transitions to the masterful ‘Fractals.’ However, the songs tend to get a little too uniform towards the last couple tracks, particularly with ‘Conjecture’ and the album’s closer ‘Abstract Plane,’ which would both benefit from the use of counterpoint and extended chords. I recommend this album be accepted after these minor revisions.”

Fan Willem Krotoshinsky was surprised to learn the processes behind his favorite bands’ releases.

“Oh wow, I didn’t know every math rock album went through that,” Krotoshinsky admitted. “I’m a huge fan of SKULK, so I guess it makes sense that they’re doing everything to ensure their music is a mentally stimulating representation. It would be nice if other genres of music did something like this, but I guess most of the stuff on the radio wouldn’t be released if the albums had to be put through peer review, so I understand why they don’t. I can’t see music by bands like Staind and Puddle of Mudd standing up to a procedure like this, so I wish there was some sort of regulation that required it so I wouldn’t have to hear “It’s Been Awhile” on my drive to work.”

At press time, Kremer was seen celebrating after having reached tenure in SKULK.