Entire Family Too Busy Sports Gambling to Argue at Thanksgiving

Posted on by Harry Valentine

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — The entire Peebles family was too preoccupied with their sports wagers to quarrel during Thanksgiving dinner, ending an 11-year streak of holiday screaming matches, confirmed sources. 

“I was really looking forward to getting into it this year with Uncle Roy,” said Anna Peebles without looking up from her phone. “During Thanksgiving 2018, Roy snuck a rant into grace about Democrat-run cabals, so I was loving the idea of shutting him up with Epstein stuff. But I had to track a dozen bets across three different games, so I couldn’t remember the details. At halftime of the Packers-Lions game I closed DraftKings for a minute and called Trump a pervert. Uncle Roy actually seemed to agree with me, but then I realized he was just screaming ‘Yes’ because he hit a parlay. He was foaming at the mouth. We’ve never even been to Wisconsin or Michigan.”

According to 19 year-old Chaz McNutt, who attended as the date of the family’s youngest daughter Shelly Peebles, it was a “colossal waste.” 

“This was supposed to be my introduction to the family,” said McNutt, as he paced in the garage. “Shelly called it a hard launch, whatever that is. I wanted to have the same opinion she did in the inevitable politics blowout, so I even read the news to prepare. The news! And for what? Just to be in the hole another four grand? Oh god, I’m ruined. I’m going to kill The Dallas Cowboys.”

Dr. Jerome Brucker is a Duke University researcher who covers the spread of sports betting in the United States and has called the trend troubling, specifically in the Peebles family, but sees a potential silver lining. 

“Whoof!” said Brucker. “Couldn’t be me. I don’t care about the family stuff, I just mean those bets are trash. The Peebles are cowards. What’s the point of hedging on a moneyline bet? You gotta take bigger swings than that, my man. Way bigger, if you’re serious about winning. But you can win. No matter what your ex-wife says. According to my research, sponsored by FanDuel, you’re always just one wager away from covering the spread.”

At press time, the relaxed mood in the house was showing signs of strain after all, when family matriarch Gina “Gramma” Peebles was told she had too much white wine to drive to meet her bookie. 

Opinion: I Failed as a Parent Because My Adult Children Set Meaningful Boundaries and Don’t Feel Beholden to My Approval

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Becoming a parent means sacrificing so much — your time, your money, your attention — to help ensure that your children can grow up to become the people you’ve pre-emptively decided they’re supposed to be. Yet despite all my best efforts over the last 35 years, my seven adult children all live happy and productive lives, free of any internalized pressure to conform to my expectations. And they have the nerve to speak up and tell me clearly and calmly when my behavior causes problems, even the stuff that isn’t even technically illegal. 

How could I have gone so wrong?

With just one or even two kids, I knew the risk was far too great of ending up with kids who become free-thinking individuals. And that was still a risk with having seven. Still, surely I’d be able to get at least three of them – ideally the ones in the middle –  to form unhealthy attachments. But nope, they just all found their own ways to go through life without considering whether or not I see them as unworthy of my legacy. It’s truly heartbreaking.

I tried my best to encourage them. Like how I would be sure to regularly remind them of why private universities are inherently superior, along with a list of 25 schools acceptable to apply for. A perfect recipe for seven Ivy Leaguers, right? Alas, Richard, Preston, Dawn, and Alyssa went to the same state school. Meanwhile, Sabrina and Elijah went to community college and stooped as low as to try and invite me to their graduation ceremonies. The nerve!

The only one I can try and show favoritism towards is Hunter, since he’s a lawyer who went to Dartmouth, which is obviously the worst of the Ivy Leagues. But whenever I try to use that as a wedge, he quietly shuts me down and asks Elijah about the stupid video game soundtrack he’s composing. Yes, I may have repeatedly said at least one of them needs to find a career in music. But this isn’t what I meant!

Now, I wouldn’t take back my decision to have children – the tax benefits were just way too good while they lasted. But if I could do it all over again, I would try so much harder to imprint my psychological baggage on them.

At minimum, they could have given me better grandchildren than the four duds they’ve produced so far.

Asexual Pride Parade Virtually Indistinguishable From Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

NEW YORK CITY — Confusion hit the streets of Manhattan today when the onlookers of a city-sanctioned Asexual Pride Parade realized it was basically exactly the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, sources confirmed while waving at a soaring Snoopy balloon.

“Well, I’m really not sure how it happened, but the proof is all there. I mean, the happy non-threatening character balloons, the marching band music, the show-stopping Broadway numbers that would subside anyone’s arousal. It’s uncanny, and, I cannot stress it enough, completely unintentional,” said Asexuality Alliance head Levon Winger. “At least they have the raw unstoppable sexual energy of Al Roker to set them out of the ace realm. Oh, and unfortunately, another glaring difference is that our parade grinds to a screeching halt every time we pass a Funko Pop store. But, other than that, we’re seeing double, too.”

Representatives of the actual Macy’s parade even reluctantly admitted the parallels were staggering.

“Ok, ok we have eyes too, you know. We can see it, we can see it! And, for the record, we here at Macy’s bear no ill-will toward those who identify on the asexuality spectrum. There’s room for everyone at our stores, from the absolutely off-the-charts super horny and those who have not thought about sex in six months,” said Macy’s CEO Tony Spring, while clearly trying to get onlookers to notice the box of condoms he had “just lying around.” “However, there is an initiative in place to enact a new ‘after hours’ version of our Thanksgiving Day festivities at 2:45 a.m that will march, or skulk rather, down the seediest alleyways and underbellies of the city to avoid any confusion moving forward.”

Longtime Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade enthusiast Cameron Burrata expressed resentment at the comparison.

“All due respect to the ace community, but I’ve watched the Macy’s parade every year since I was born and I have a healthy, robust libido to say the least. Now, you might hear some vicious rumors around town that my specific fetish is for gigantic helium balloons shaped like familiar pop culture characters,” said Burrata. “And, I’ll be the first to tell you that these rumors are one hundred percent true. Viciously true rumors exist as well. Now, if you’ll excuse me, they’re unveiling a new fiberglass insulation store and word is, they’ve got a big Pink Panther tethered to it hovering overhead. How do I look?”

At press time, local children were urged to shield their eyes from the giant Pink Panther floating by.

Local Man Only Able to Express Emotion Using “I Think You Should Leave” GIFs

Posted on by Trevor Graham

PEORIA, Ill. — Local 43-year-old Dan Reynolds lost the ability to verbally communicate with loved ones and is only able to quote or use GIFs from the Netflix sketch show “I Think You Should Leave,” sources who don’t even want to be around anymore confirmed.

“Ever since that damn show came out I can’t get him to have a normal conversation. We went shopping to get him a suit and he came out of the dressing room in the suit yelling ‘There’s too much fucking shit on me!’ I was so embarrassed I just paid for his suit and left the store,” said wife Sara Reynolds. “And anytime I text him I just get GIFs as a reply. I asked him what he wanted for dinner and he sent me a GIF of that guy going ‘55 burgers, 55 fries, 55 tacos, 55 fries’ and then I asked what movie we should see and he sent another GIF that said ‘There’s a new Marvel out that’s supposed to be nuts.’ And that’s not even from the show but that fucking weird ass movie that guy is also in. This stupid comedian is ruining my life!”

Even though this odd behavior has been affecting all aspects of his life, Reynolds appears to be unphased or possibly even unaware of how people perceive his strange communication methods.

“We’re all trying to find the guy who did this and give him a spanking. It could literally be any one of us,” said Reynolds unprovoked. “I don’t have to sit here and be insulted like this. I’m just going to take as many suits as I can grab, get in that random hot dog car (RANDOM!) and drive back to wiener hall. You can’t change the rules just because you don’t like how I’m doing it.”

Social psychologist Lisa Chung says she has seen a rising number of middle-aged men who are only able to communicate with comedic GIFs.

“There seems to be a troubling epidemic for men of a certain age who cannot express themselves without resorting to the use of a GIF from something that only they seem to find funny,” said Chung. “Whether it’s something from a Tim Robinson sketch, or an episode of ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,’ or some old cartoon they watched as a kid, they think it substitutes for actual communication. It’s even more serious when one or more of them are chatting with each other and flood their text chains with nothing but sophomoric GIFs.”

At press time, Reynolds was seen having an actual conversation with a coworker telling them about his new shirt he got from a store called Dan Flashes which has apparel with “complicated” patterns. 

Dad Doesn’t Know Why You Can’t Be More Open-Minded About Being Close-Minded 

Posted on by Dom Turek

DENTON, Texas — A local father is left wondering, “Where did I go wrong,” after resigning himself to the grim reality that his 28-year-old son will not be adopting his family’s long-held close-minded attitude, sources related to the heartbroken dad confirmed.

“This mindset has been passed down from generation to generation,” said Jim Hodges, the bewildered father. “And to think the family namesake stops with my own son. I thought I raised him better than that. Where is the malleable, unquestioning ball of flesh I held in the delivery room the day he was born? Now, he barely laughs at my jokes about sexual assault. I bet that narrow-minded little shit didn’t even watch the YouTube video I sent him about Elon Musk’s plan to colonize Mars.” 

With radical talking points such as “sex trafficking is bad” and “women are people,” Hodges’ maladapted son has created an exceptionally hostile environment at family get-togethers. 

“Up until now, I assumed my dad’s disappointment in me stemmed from my inability to play sports or change a tire,” said Ian Hodges. “ I never imagined that his quiet, building resentment towards me had anything to do with my refusal to deify Donald Trump or subscribe to the notion that smoking a cigar is peak masculinity. Who knew my condemnation of genocide would be such a hot take? He would die if he knew that my email is set to automatically spam messages from him containing the words ‘manosphere,’ ‘America First,’ or ‘fake news.’” 

According to research, people under 60 are increasingly unable to open their minds to some of the most archaic, unenlightened ideals that have made America what it is today. 

“The numbers don’t lie,” said Hannah Logan, a disbarred sociologist and cultural critic. “We have found that people with the highest empathy levels and most intact brain activity are most likely to develop this kind of shortsightedness. In my day, you inherited your parents’ eye color, hair color, and political affiliations. These days, kids are using valuable energy to form their own opinions about world issues, when that energy would be better spent convincing themselves Bill Maher is a good guy.” 

At press time, Mr. Hodges was seen uninviting his son to Thanksgiving after learning he had recently donated $15 to Planned Parenthood. 

Ironic: Classmate Who Wore “No Fear” Shirts in Middle School Now Inordinately Terrified of Cities, Immigrants, and Trans People

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Remember your middle-school classmate Bryce Hepfeldt? He sat behind you in 7th grade Pre-Algebra and often entertained you with Stone Cold Steve Austin catchphrases and Jonathan Davis “Freak on a Leash” impersonations. Well, are you ready to hear something ironic? He used to wear “No Fear” shirts almost exclusively, despite the fact that he’s now terrified of cities, immigrants, and trans people.

Whoa!

That’s right! The supposedly fearless kid with phrases like “IF WE’RE KEEPING SCORE, WINNING IS THE ONLY THING” and “IF IT HAS WHEELS OR A SKIRT, YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT” emblazoned across his chest, along with the brand’s signature phrase, is now inexplicably terrified of every boogie man right-wing media has conjured for him! As a result, his completely irrational fear from Fox News’ laughably exaggerated crime reports on cities has him scared shitless of nearby Omaha, despite never having left his hometown of Bellevue, Nebraska. Not to mention his almost daily Facebook status updates demonstrating his absurdly misinformed views on trans people, in which he warns his loved ones of the supposed danger of having them compete in high school sports, despite him having absolutely no knowledge in the subject or even any apparent interest in athletics.

Man, he certainly did not grow into the intrepid warrior his wardrobe once suggested he would become!

Will Bryce ever heed the advice that was printed on his favorite shirts all those years ago, or will he continue pickling his brain with the preposterous bullshit the right-wing media ecosystem feeds him to keep him frightened, angry and engaged? Just last week, Bryce posted a video to his Instagram about his concern that “illegals” would somehow be skewing the results of the 2026 midterm elections simply by voting, so we’re unfortunately not optimistic. 

Given our country’s current state of shocking democratic backsliding (due in no small part to the lies constantly being fed to us by our elected officials and social media algorithms) Bryce may very well be a prisoner to his irrational fears for the rest of his life. We hope we’re wrong, and you may once again happen upon the gallant knight who used to sport the phrase “HOLD MY TROPHY WHILE I KISS YOUR GIRLFRIEND” across his chest, but only time will tell.

Bob Dylan Reveals Every Other Member of the Wallflowers Is Also His Son

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DULUTH, Minn. — Prolific singer-songwriter Bob Dylan revealed that every member of ‘90s rock group The Wallflowers, in addition to frontman Jakob Dylan, is also his son, surprised sources report.

“Oh, I was so proud of my boys when they made it big after releasing ‘Bringing Down the Horse’ back in 1996,” the elder Dylan remembered. “Obviously, they came from a very musical family, what with having me as a father and all. What’s really magical about it is that they all kind of naturally came to their respective instruments. Jakob started playing the guitar as a child, and I can’t remember a time when Rami wasn’t playing the piano. Greg originally played the guitar but switched to bass because Jakob already had that covered. I never forced music on any of them, except maybe the harmonica which they all rejected. I was actually kind of secretly hoping that they’d all become professional football players, but I guess I can’t complain with how things turned out.”

One of Dylan’s sons, Jakob, reflected on the situation.

“Oh, people don’t know that we’re all related? That’s weird,” said The Wallflowers’ singer. “The whole theme of our band is that we’re all from the same household, like The Partridge Family or Hanson. I just assumed everybody already knew that. What, they thought I was the only Dylan son who got into music? Come on, our dad is thought of as the best songwriter of all time. It wouldn’t make any sense for his offspring to not start a successful band together. I’m actually kind of disgusted with our fanbase for not being able to piece that together. Maybe we should call it quits.”

Fan Dana Anderton was surprised to hear the revelation.

“Oh wow, I had no idea they were all Bob Dylan’s kids,” Anderton reacted. “I remember when ‘One Headlight’ came out and it was a huge deal that Bob Dylan’s kid was the frontman for this hot new band, but I never heard that every other member was his son as well. Don’t they all have different names? Oh well, maybe they changed them for whatever reason. Honestly, this is pretty cool. I think I’m going to bust out my old ‘Godzilla 1998’ soundtrack and listen to their song ‘Heroes.’ I’ll just have to skip that awful Diddy song with the Led Zeppelin riff.”

At press time, Bob Dylan revealed that every member of Collective Soul is also his son.

Help! I Let Jesus Take the Wheel and He Drove Us to a Ska Festival

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I was never a very religious person until recently when my life of sin finally forced me to confront my demons. I was speeding down I-91, my body full of every substance known to man, when I looked up at my bloodshot eyes in the rearview and finally asked Jesus for help, and to take the wheel of my life. 

To my surprise, he actually appeared and said that as long as I believed in him, everything would be fine. That sounded cool, but the drugs pulsating through my veins made me paranoid that there might be some kind of a catch. And that catch, as it turns out, was worse than anything I could have imagined – he was driving us straight to a Goddamn ska festival. 

I should have known something was off when he told me all those times there were just one set of footprints were the times he had to “pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!” 

My life could finally be unshackled from my corrupted soul, and my inner torment would be turned into unabashed happiness. But if that meant having to go to a dork ass ska fest, fuck that noise. I tried to reason with JC by begging him to take us anywhere else and I’d do his bidding, but he just gently pressed his warm hand onto my heart and told me to trust him. I thought he was testing me to see if I had faith, but when I realized he wasn’t bluffing I thanked him for his heavenly guidance. Then, as he smiled and started to preach about love and forgiveness and shit, I opened my passenger door and jumped out.

Sure, Jesus stole my car and I broke 40% of the bones in my body from diving out of a Honda Accord traveling at 80 miles per hour, but the good news is that I didn’t have to listen to Less Than Jake. 

Maybe that was Jesus’ plan all along, to make me see what truly matters in this world, as I left our encounter with a bliss I haven’t felt in a long time. But then I realized my stash of coke was in my glove compartment and I’d never get it back thanks to him.

Five Christian Rock Songs That Are Honestly Worse Than Eternal Hellfire

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Ugh, goddamnit. How did we get stuck with this article while the other writers got to list their favorite Bolt Thrower songs? How much fucking sense does that make? Anyways, Christian rock is the worst form of music there is, and we’d rather do a Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch retrospective than listen to this bullshit, but whatever, we don’t make the rules around here. Here are five Christian rock songs that make burning in the pits of hell for all eternity sound like a total treat by comparison.

  1. The Newsboys – “God’s Not Dead”

Jeeeeeezus, this song is bad. To make matters worse, it’s on the soundtrack to that horrible Kevin Sorbo movie with the same name. You know the one: some dipshit kid goes to college and his liberal professor makes him denounce his faith (you know, like all college professors do) and they get in a big fight over it. Please don’t watch it. We’ll go back to writing our list while fantasizing about having our flesh licked by dancing flames forever, so long as this song isn’t playing.

  1. Casting Crowns – “One Step Away”

Woof. This makes Vertical Horizon sound like Slayer. Is that what’s coming next? Are our editors going to make us list five early 2000s butt-rock songs? At this point, fine, please, anything but this shit. This makes having our tongues pulled out by Lucifer’s army recruits sound downright appealing, and oh God, this song has a clap-along part at the end and someone please put us out of our misery.

  1. Sidewalk Prophets – “You Love Me Anyway”

If someone would have introduced this song to Dante while he was drafting ideas for the 9 Circles of Hell, he would have stepped away from writing and began working as a stone mason or something, too shaken up to revisit his epic poem. We’ll gladly invite Cerberus to come maul us to death over and over if it means we can just turn off this fucking song.

  1. Phillips, Craig & Dean – “Your Name”

Have you ever been simultaneously agonized and bored out of your fucking mind? It’s a strange feeling that overcame us as we stared dead-eyed at the wall while the Christ-draped lyrics in this song’s acoustic chorus turned us into complete shells of our former selves. Oh, to plunge the depths of the Stygian abyss, where the infernal City of Dis provides sweet reprieve from the torture that is Contemporary Christian Rock!  

  1. DC Talk – “So Help Me God”

Oh no, that’s a D.J. No, no, NO! We no longer need to fear Hell, because no God would sit idly by and allow such a grotesque abomination as this song to exist. We are utterly alone in this cold, unfeeling, and callous universe, and death will bring us the ultimate relief of eternal nothingness, free from the manufactured Hell that Christians have wrought upon us with their music.

Several ICE Agents Horribly Disemboweled During Attempt to Deport GWAR Back to Scumdoggia 

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

RICHMOND, Va. — Several ICE agents had their internal organs forcibly removed during a recent raid on the Slave Pit, home of the extraterrestrial rock band GWAR, confirmed absolutely horrified sources.

“The band was in the middle of our weekly cocaine-orgy/seafood boil when these ICE chodes stormed the Slave Pit claiming we were illegal aliens and threatening to deport us back to our home planet of Scumdoggia,” said GWAR vocalist Blothar the Berserker. “Obviously, these jerkoffs had no idea who they were messing with. I grabbed one of these ICE guys and ripped his spleen out through his dick while the rest of the band went to work on the other ‘agents.’ Then we used their hollowed-out skulls as toilets because anyone stupid enough to fuck with GWAR has to have shit for brains.”

According to official reports, the failed raid ended up being one of the bloodiest massacres in United States history.

“It was truly horrifying, the level of carnage on display,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. “Several ICE agents had their spines torn from their bodies and reinserted rectally. One agent was turned into a makeshift piñata, only instead of candy, GWAR filled his chest cavity with pornographic magazines and beer. Then two band members known as Jizmak Da Gusha and Beefcake the Mighty took turns beating the agent with their grotesque alien genitals until his corpse exploded, sending copies of Hustler and PBR flying everywhere.”

Meanwhile, prominent Democrat and vocal ICE opponent Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez defended the band’s actions.

“ICE is the modern Gestapo,” said Ocasio-Cortez. “They broke into the Slave Pit, with no warrant, and started trying to detain GWAR unlawfully. As far as I’m concerned, the band was acting in self-defense. Do I love that someone named Balsac the Jaws of Death stitched two ICE agents together using intestines and called it a human Catdog? No, of course not. But at the end of the day, no living being is ‘illegal’ and immigrants like GWAR only serve to enrich and strengthen our country — even if they are violent, drug-abusing space aliens.”

As of press time, the Department of Homeland Security was exploring other ways to deport GWAR, including deputizing the superhero ska collective The Aquabats in hopes that the group’s experience fighting monsters might give them an advantage against the violent Scumdoggians.