Being that hardcore is arguably the most argued-over genre, making this list seemed like a massive waste of time. We decided to make it anyway…
NEW YORK — Local punks using the bathroom of a supposed dive bar felt betrayed when they realized they could see themselves perfectly in the…
AUSTIN, Texas — A desperate guitar pick is currently clinging to the inside body of an acoustic guitar belonging to beginner musician Vernon Nixon, nearby…
LOS ANGELES — The latest single from the Red Hot Chili Peppers entitled “770 Miles of Sunshine” was revealed to be California’s Wikipedia page set…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local woman Irene Schwein found herself scrambling to explain the trove of sex toys unearthed by her parents during their visit to…
SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — Technically stunning guitarist Peter Lakely tested a $6k Gibson Les Paul for hours at Guitar Gallery before ultimately only buying one…
COOKEVILLE, Tenn. — Cautious guitarist Samuel Tollins is almost ready to fart near his new Fender American Professional II Stratocaster after three months of being…
AUSTIN, Texas — Outdoor enthusiasts gathered today to celebrate the opening of a brand new multi-use outdoor space by watching a shitty-looking white guy perform…
BELO HORIZONTE, Brazil — A team of explorers recently discovered a previously unheard album by heavy metal band Sepultura hidden deep in the Amazon rainforest,…
IDAHO FALLS, Idaho — Local man and recent entrepreneur Shawn Roberts revealed a pillow he invented while stoned off his ass early yesterday morning which…
DALLAS — Local white man Darrell Hargrove raised alarm bells yesterday after a traffic incident led experts to believe his mugshot may soon appear on…
KINGSTON FALLS, N.Y. — An ominous record store employee reportedly warned customers yesterday that the new Mogwai album should not be exposed to direct sunlight,…
MILWAUKEE — Local man Jeremy Grimm’s sudden infatuation with a newly discovered band was put on hold today pending the results of a search of…
WASHINGTON — Luxury fashion designer Hugo Boss AG has been selected to create a bold, new uniform for Immigration and Customs Enforcement [ICE], the federal…
TRENTON, N.J. — Mafioso and “ordinary dry cleaners operator” Eugenio “Two-Bean Gene” Bianchi underwent an unexpected and surprising sexual awakening yesterday after receiving the kiss…