NEW YORK — Local venue Splatz Diner got a head start on lifting the mask mandate by declaring masks unnecessary since March 27, 2020, sources…
CHICAGO — Local diner Bill Frakes reportedly walked into a recently reopened Golden Corral restaurant and whispered “beast mode” while staring at the rows of…
HONOLULU — Local punk Joseph Green is looking forward to finally hanging out with friends in the alley during shows again now that the city…
ASHEVILLE, S.C. — A frontline food service worker was stripped of her hero and esteemed “essential” status after forgetting to bring a side of mayonnaise…
DENVER — Recently vaccinated McDonald’s line cook Lydia Dupree was relieved to be able to safely add layers of shimmering spittle to a fucker of…
LOS ANGELES — Vocalist Trevor Handler of Reseda pop punk band Half-Hazzard insisted that his reluctance to help the band move gear in and out…
CHICAGO — A passenger on American Airlines Flight 3077 was reportedly concerned whether he was allowed to lower his mask in order to use the…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — A limited-capacity show yesterday evening drew a crowd twice as large as local band Jolly Bean Chili Greens has ever seen in…
HADDONFIELD, Ill. — Serial killer and supernatural force of pure evil Michael Myers insists upon wearing three layers of face masks even after receiving the…
MORGANTOWN, W.V. — A new study conducted by researchers at West Virginia University found that toddler nose theft has dropped by 85% in the U.S.…
SAN FRANCISCO — The Day by the Bay Music Festival very sweetly doubled down on announcing lineup reveals and VIP ticket deals yesterday, despite all…
WASHINGTON — Over two dozen White House staff members with clandestine ties to the Kremlin and operating within President Trump’s trusted inner circle admitted today…
LOS ANGELES — AMC Theatres introduced a new COVID-safe, jumbo refillable popcorn face mask last week, doubling down on their effort to welcome back weary,…
GOTHAM CITY — Billionaire Bruce Wayne, who recently revealed himself to be the masked vigilante known as Batman, has stepped away from his crusade for…
MURRAY, Utah — Card-carrying member of both the NRA and Costco’s premium membership Greg Young was forced to leave the bulk-grocery chain this past Wednesday,…