Patrick Coyne
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January 10, 2020
NEWARK, N.J. — Local punk and expert responsibility-avoider Dean Freeman asked his neighbor this morning to throw out all his…
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KC Phillips
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January 10, 2020
JANESVILLE, Wis. — An alarming analysis of several of Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper sandwiches has found that the popular…
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Zach Raffio
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January 10, 2020
Wow! You’ve just received an edible arrangement from your Aunt Elizabeth, congratulating you on the birth of your first child.…
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MAMANUCA ISLANDS, Fiji. — Crew members currently filming the latest season of “Survivor” were shocked to discover that a scab…
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Michael De Toffoli
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January 9, 2020
BERKELEY, Calif. — Traveling gutter punk-turned inspirational teacher Marcus “Guru Hoagie” Sanders is directing followers worldwide to treat their bodies…
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Patrick Crooks
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January 9, 2020
WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Local man Brian Davis was shocked and surprised yet again last night that Backslide, the bar…
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John Dixon
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January 9, 2020
DAYTON, Ohio — Local 38-year-old scenester James Adkins is bemoaning to anyone who will listen that up-and-coming emo kids are…
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Kyle Erf
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January 8, 2020
PHILADELPHIA — Your friend Bella Dubois is reportedly now back with her old band The New Babies, leaving you feeling…
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Ted Pillow
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January 8, 2020
DOVER, N.H. — Your coworker, accounts manager Randy Ferguson, has no idea that he is your mortal enemy in a…
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Dan Kozuh
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January 8, 2020
GENEVA, Ill. — Local man and self-described electronic leash cutter Lucas Roberts is now on a door-to-door journey to tell…
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