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Hardcore Kid Tried as an Adult

NEW YORK — 36-year-old self-proclaimed hardcore kid Kamal Ahmed was tried as an adult in New York Superior Court early this morning, court officials confirmed.

“As you can see, Your Honor, my client may be old enough to be the father of teenagers, but he is — in no way, shape, or form — an adult. If it pleases the court, I’d like to call into evidence the fact he wore a Warzone t-shirt to this trial,” said public defenderDavid Hankley while trying to convince the judge to try his client as a minor. “Add to that his Twitter feed, where he obsesses over ideas of ‘unity’ within a scene full of 15-year-olds, and I think the picture becomes clear.”

The judge and prosecutor, veterans of the court system, were reportedly unmoved by the motion.

“Everyone would like to take a couple years off the top, am I right?” mused charismatic, handsome prosecutor Geoffrey Brennan to the jury. “Hell, I know I would. But just because this man belongs to the Die Young Crew, and still doesn’t have his driver’s license, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try him as what he truly is: an adult. He isn’t the first hardcore kid to try this stuff, and if we don’t send a strong message, he won’t be the last.”

In his final ruling, the honorable Judge Mike Joge struck a chastising tone with Ahmed.

“Just because you spend all your time arguing with children on these online music forums doesn’t mean you a child yourself,” Joge asserted. “I sentence you to 25 ta life.”

Hankley has already begun plans to appeal.

“I think we may need a change of venue. Maybe we could do better in a place like Portland,” said Hankley. “I mean really this is a travesty. He might be an adult, but he’s a minor at heart.”

Before Ahmed was dragged off into his holding cell, he gave a brief statement to the press.

“It’s not who I am, it’s not how I feel,” Ahmed insisted as he writhed in handcuffs. “I’m gonna stay young until I die.”

Photo by Maveric2003 & Rangrageart. Concept by Cody Backus.