I don’t drink and I don’t do drugs. Never have, never will. People seem to have a hard time with that concept. They either get…
DALLAS – Local man Shane Whitlock recently blew the two-drink minimum at a small, laid-back music venue clear out of the fucking water, according to…
CHICAGO — Local party animal Abraham Cane regretted getting so drunk that he ended up getting a tattoo removed last night, confirmed sources in between…
First of all, hello, I’m Colleen, and I’m 24 months sober. Pretty cool, right? If you’re reading this and anything like me, you’ve probably fallen…
People call whiskey a crutch, but through the good times, the bad times, and the boring times, it’s more of a companion. So when this…
RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Local dive bar Bog Hill, an establishment notorious for over-serving customers, fights, and unsanitary conditions, shocked regulars and locals alike by rebranding…
Every sober person will tell you that quitting drinking was the greatest decision they’ve ever made. I didn’t believe them at first until out of…
DETROIT — Frustrated wife Hannah Gerhardt figured out how to install a breathalyzer on her husband’s acoustic guitar which would keep the hardshell case locked…
MORGANTOWN, W.V. — Self-proclaimed party animal Derek Plomchock astounded friends and roommates by somehow surpassing three sturdily locked doors and projectile vomiting into a laundry…
BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Pretentious bourbon sniffer Patrick Welles is ruining the otherwise fun vibes of an impromptu house party hang with his talk of tasting…
LINCOLN, Neb. — Local drunk Peter Brooks was outraged to find that despite holding the high score on the bar’s AC/DC pinball machine bartender Ben…
It started out like any other Tuesday. I was day-drinking with my usual tallboys of Bud Light Chelada with Clamato, when I realized that I…
GALAPAGOS ISLANDS — The Galapagos punk scene was in shock this morning after learning of the tragic death of up and coming tortoise, Sheldon, becoming…
BOSTON — Friends and relatives of local punk, Brian Gibbs, were astonished to learn that the known raging drunk considers himself to be “a functioning…
LOS ANGELES — Producers and directors tasked with creating a new batch of reboots were left scrambling to find new ways to express tone in…