Press "Enter" to skip to content

REPORT: Bourbon Snob Taking All the Fun Out Of Getting Pants-Shitting Drunk

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Pretentious bourbon sniffer Patrick Welles is ruining the otherwise fun vibes of an impromptu house party hang with his talk of tasting notes and mouthfeel, binge-drinkers report.

“I’ve never had more of a bummer time trying to get absolutely obliterated. I swear if Pat mentions ‘notes of charred oak’ one more time, I’ll stab him,” stated host Eric Flattery, who typically just buys whatever is on sale at the local liquor store. “This is the last time I throw a house party. Last time, someone vomited in my pillowcase. And yet, I prefer that to Pat turning down the music and telling us to experience the ‘velvety mouthfeel.’ How dare you come into my house and say ‘mouthfeel!’”

Welles reportedly adopted his snobbish ways after a trip with his father to the Bourbon Trail in Kentucky, taking what he learned back home with him.

“I was pleasantly surprised to see Buffalo Trace on the counter when I entered because for the price, it’s a great value bourbon with a sweet nose and complex notes of honeysuckle,” declared Welles, who is rumored to not have had sex since his liquor journey began. “To be totally honest, I recommend spitting out the whiskey and not swallowing, so you can have more tasting chances. Everyone knows the taste is the best part.”

Buffalo Trace’s lead distiller appreciates hardcore customers’ adoration but wishes they wouldn’t ruin the fun for other people.

“At the end of the day, whiskey is whiskey and you should enjoy it-—don’t suck the fun out of the experience for people who are just trying to vibe and get so fucked up they have to apologize to their boss who wasn’t even there that night,” recommends Buffalo Trace head distiller Simon Hexel. “If you’re going to start talking about notes of coriander and charring and mash bills, make sure your company is down for such talk. Otherwise, let them get drunk and cry and throw up in peace.”

More recent reports indicate the Welles is continuing to harsh the buzz of the party by recommending hyper-specific strains of weed to those smoking on the patio.