There are a lot of reasons why I don’t tell people I’m a squirter. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s not like I…
AMERICA — Parents nationwide went into a frenzy yesterday when a dangerous new party drug swept across their Facebook pages, multiple panicked sources confirmed. The…
CHARLEROI, Pa. — Self-proclaimed digital activist Rich Costen is “totally and happily” unaware that not one of his Facebook friends follows his account on the…
CHICAGO — Morrissey fan Elspeth Carter tucked a pair of earplugs into her jacket last night in prep for his upcoming concert, to protect herself…
It’s a familiar story: a band releases a beloved first album to wide acclaim and then the critics pan the follow up. When Weezer followed…
Cats! The grist for the internet content mill, the furry little fucks that keep you up at night with their yowling and lovemaking. There’s nothing…
THE INTERNET — A Facebook friend of yours, whom you vaguely recall from high school, couldn’t be more excited to share an exciting, not-at-all predatory…
BOULDER, Colo. — Scientists at the University of Colorado have confirmed that marijuana severely impairs the ability to grasp tasteful interior decoration, according to a…
Whitewashing. Cookie-cutter protagonist. A happy ending so out of touch with reality you can actually sleep at night. Sound familiar? I just described every major…
SEATTLE — Online retail behemoth Amazon will roll out their new “Glory Hole” home subscription service this month in select U.S. cities, representatives confirmed. “Customers…
PHILADELPHIA — Local dog Scraps was completely unable to answer basic trivia questions yesterday about the seminal horror-punk band Misfits, despite wearing the band’s merchandise…
There is no denying it: The current state of affairs is grim. The nation is in the hands of a senile, selfish madman and we…
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Bobby “Fingers” Randall, lead guitarist for The Horny Wombats, acquired a PowerTone WRV-189 Digital Wireless System last week, enabling him to…
My name is Bert Wilson and I have a message for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: put an end to all end zone celebrations. If they…
MARLBORO, N.J. — Siblings Liam and Jenna Fry were stunned last night to find that their father’s old band, A Jet Black Static, still had…