BOULDER, Colo. — Scientists at the University of Colorado have confirmed that marijuana severely impairs the ability to grasp tasteful interior decoration, according to a new report that could deal a devastating blow to marijuana legalization efforts.
The study, which began in 2012, took place in the off-campus residences of self-reported marijuana-using students.
“We expected a small portion of the study’s participants to be mildly affected, but every single subject had lost any and all sense of tact when it came to decorating a room,” explained Dr. Kayleigh Monroe, the lead researcher. “We’re talking beach towels for curtains, in homes adorned almost exclusively by posters of Quentin Tarantino films.”
Study participants were given a monthly stipend of marijuana and Amazon gift cards, and told to “go about their normal day.” The changes in household decorations were measured regularly by a professional interior designer.
“I’ve seen things I’ll never forget,” admitted Jean-Pierre Cheysson, the interior design evaluation specialist. “One gentleman hung Phish setlists in every room — and not framed setlists he obtained at concerts. No, just printed-out setlist.fm pages, taped to the wall. Another hung three tapestries in her kitchen. Three! In a kitchen! Ugh. I think I need a different job now.”
One subject claimed the study was “tight as shit.”
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“Free bud and online money? Hell yeah. I gave some of that bud to a buddy to remove all my apartment’s doors and replace them with beaded curtains,” said Mark Effie, who also noted the study was “the best thing I ever got paid for.” “If they have any other tests, like the effects of acid on dudes looking at porn, I’d sign up.”
“Heh,” Effie later added. “Bud to a buddy.”
While the results of the study have yet to be peer-reviewed, many involved worry about the long-term effects of the research.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if states rolled back legalization efforts after seeing just how many Salvador Dali posters and black lights are now in circulation,” said Dr. Monroe. “I never knew some people think stolen pint glasses and handmade ashtrays make good mantle decorations.”