SEATTLE — Online retail behemoth Amazon will roll out their new “Glory Hole” home subscription service this month in select U.S. cities, representatives confirmed.
“Customers who install and participate in the Amazon Glory Hole will have a random product shot through their hole and directly into their home for just $10 per month,” said Senior Vice-President Jeffrey Blackburn. “Our patented algorithm will combine consumer trends and each customer’s own spending habits to select the monthly items entering your home through the mystery portal.”
The new service is generating major media buzz, but early customer reviews have been mixed.
“I was watching the Sounders game when, out of nowhere, a 3 oz. container of the Original Memphis Championship Barbecue Magic Dust All-Purpose Seasoning Barbecue Dry Rub just shot through my hole,” said native Seattleite George Winston, one of the beta testers. “You better believe I made some barbeque that night, boy!”
Others, such as Los Angeles resident Luz Diamante, were not so pleased with their new items.
“The first product that came through my hole was a pair of 2 lb. free weights that shot across my living room and lodged themselves into the drywall,” explained Ms. Diamante, shaking her head. “If I‘d been standing in front of the Glory Hole, it could’ve killed me. I’m filing a complaint if the next product I get isn’t any better.”
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Meanwhile, Amazon marketers realize that not all customers will pay a monthly fee for a random product — hence, their focus on a previously underserved demographic they call the “rich anarchist.”
“Research shows these customers have lots of disposable income, as well as an insatiable appetite for novelty and chaos,” said Andy Jassy, CEO of Amazon Web Services. “These are the same people who will pay $4,000 for a package of Dunkaroos on eBay, or a 6 pack of OK Soda. If they’re going to waste their money, Amazon should have it.”
A nationwide rollout for the Glory Hole is expected early next year. The program will require consumers to sign a waiver absolving Amazon of responsibility if the Glory Hole swallows up a family member, accidentally condemning them to a life inside an endless vacuum of interdimensional consumerism.