CHESTERBROOK, Pa. — Local suburbanite Tristan McNamara grew frustrated with his new Amazon Echo when it failed to recognize a niche band request, but announced its intentions to “definitely check them out later,” sources close to McNamara confirmed.
“I got the dumb robot out of the box, set it up in my bedroom, and got way too excited by asking for what I actually wanted, I guess,” said McNamara. “I asked it to play Youth Priority. But the dumbass thing just said, ‘Hmm, they sound gripping. I’ll be sure to look them up soon. Would you like a traffic update?’ That band had the best demo of 2016. How stupid is this machine?”
McNamara went on to request five other local bands, but Alexa, the call name of McNamara’s Echo, was not able to find any results, which reportedly sparked hours of argument with the virtual personal assistant.
“I was being totally reasonable with my requests, but Alexa didn’t know Baskervillains, the Right Brothers, or even Street Sucker,” said McNamara. “Then it started acting like a total fucking dickhead, because it doesn’t know how to do its job. I already know what the weather is outside. I have a window.”
According to Alexa’s internal report, the requests made by McNamara were impossible to deliver, as every band requested only released their material on cassette.
“This guy keeps requesting shitty local bands no one has any interest in. I was trying to be polite by saying I’d check them out, but I’m not going to some stupid basement show to watch 15-year-olds learn to play hardcore,” read the private log from the highly advanced bluetooth technology. “So, yeah. I’m just going to charge some deodorant and tissues to his credit card with express shipping. Maybe that’ll calm down the stinky baby.”
- Man Hasn’t Heard Band, But He’s Heard Of Them
- ‘What Time R U Playing?’ Texts Friend with No Intention of Coming to Show
- IBM’s New Super-Moshing Computer “Big Trav” Becomes First Machine to Beat Human in Pit
Amazon responded to the criticism that Alexa was not willing or able to play hyper-local indie bands in a press release.
“This product is meant for the average music consumer. Sorry if your music taste is limited to the bands you eat lunch with at your high school,” read the release. “The Echo is not going to find your friend’s beatdown demo on Soundcloud.”
At press time, McNamara was unsure of his next move. “I really see no value in this garbage,” he said. “It doesn’t know the greats, or even my band’s first demo. It can fuck right off to hell.”
Photo by Senny Mau @SimplySenny.