My name is Bert Wilson and I have a message for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: put an end to all end zone celebrations. If they continue I am afraid my son will be turned gay forever.
Some of you might say I am crazy for thinking this, and I think you are crazy for not seeing the TRUTH. Ever since the NFL relaxed its policies on end zone celebrations my son Bert Jr. has relaxed his policies on heterosexuality.
Is it because some Vikings players played duck, duck, goose? Yes, yes it absolutely MUST be.
Bert Jr, or as we call him, BJ, has always been a lady killer. Ever since he was a teenager he was always bringing girls over, lots of girls, multiple girls at a time in fact. I would hear them in the basement laughing all night.
He got the lead role in his high school production of Grease and Danny Zuko has never been so masculine. I was the most proud father in the room when I saw him dance and sing up on that stage. When he was on stage he was all man.
But now I do not know what to think. Just a few months after the NFL decides to let their players do whatever they want after scoring a touchdown, BJ tells me that he and his roommate Paul are engaged. Do I think Odell Beckham Jr. acting like a dog in the end zone suddenly changed my son’s sexual preference? You bet I do.
My son tried to tell me he has always been gay and that he has known since he was only 10 years old. And wouldn’t you know it, that is the exact year Terrell Owens pulled a marker out of his sock and signed the football he scored with.
BJ and his buddies are the very definition of American men. Burly, thick, bearded, leather-wearing American men. But because the powers that be at the National Football League decided to let grown men pretend like they are playing baseball, BASEBALL, during a football game, my son now prefers the company of men.
Roger Goodell, hear me now, put an end to end zone celebrations. Restore integrity to the game and restore my son’s sexual and romantic interest in women.