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15 Reasons I Don’t Tell People I’m A Squirter

There are a lot of reasons why I don’t tell people I’m a squirter. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s not like I want everyone to know I’m a total gusher,so I keep it to myself.

Sometimes, when I tell people that I keep the fact that I slick the sheets like someone spilt a whole container of extra sticky olive oil a secret they ask, “why?” Well, there’s actually a lot of reasons to keep being the AR-15 equivalent of a water gun on the DL. Here are fifteen:

1. I don’t want everyone to know that I, Jessica Hampton, once had to empty out my shoes after my boyfriend made me cum while standing up. That’s my own personal business, and I don’t see why everyone would need to know.

2. Society has taught me from a young age that women who soak through the sheets and mattress, all the way onto the hardwood floor, are never treated with the dignity and respect we deserve.

3. My neighbors already know. I can just tell.

4. When I burst open the seal, and it’s like a newsreel clip of a dam being removed for environmental reasons, that is between me and my partner — no one else.

5. Because someone will make some ignorant, snide comment about how it’s “just pee.” Uh, no, it’s not. But I’m into that too, which isn’t something I would tell anyone.

6. When my man gets out the mop and bucket and winks at me I don’t need any of our roommates knowing what we are planning.

7. I will not be able to pass off my purchases of large, industrial sized plastic sheets as a part of an art project if I tell people that I’ve been using them due to the fact I’m a national park-level human gyser of female ejauclate.

8. What I do in the privacy of my damp, mold-infested bedroom is no one’s business.

9. My coworkers may begin to connect the dots regarding my need to drink 16 full bottles of water a day just to maintain a standard level of hydration.

10. If I told everyone that I am a really big squirter, they could look up pictures of my boyfriend and me on social media and just imagine me forcing him to gargle it like salt water after a dental surgery. Because that’s what I do.

11. It could affect my security deposit, for reasons that should be obvious by this point.

12. Whenever people find out that my friend Beth is a comedian, they always say, “tell me a joke!” I worry that people would do that with me, only with squirting.

13. “Modesty is the color of virtue” – Diogenes

14. I would no longer be able to get out of jury duty by masturbating and claiming my water broke.

15. My best friend growing up, Jean Thompson, told people that she was a squirter and it ruined her life. She had to move and change her name! It’s Jessica Fletch now and she lives in Greenpoint, North Carolina.