BOULDER, Colo. — Scientists at the University of Colorado have confirmed that marijuana severely impairs the ability to grasp tasteful interior decoration, according to a…
Whitewashing. Cookie-cutter protagonist. A happy ending so out of touch with reality you can actually sleep at night. Sound familiar? I just described every major…
SEATTLE — Online retail behemoth Amazon will roll out their new “Glory Hole” home subscription service this month in select U.S. cities, representatives confirmed. “Customers…
PHILADELPHIA — Local dog Scraps was completely unable to answer basic trivia questions yesterday about the seminal horror-punk band Misfits, despite wearing the band’s merchandise…
There is no denying it: The current state of affairs is grim. The nation is in the hands of a senile, selfish madman and we…
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Bobby “Fingers” Randall, lead guitarist for The Horny Wombats, acquired a PowerTone WRV-189 Digital Wireless System last week, enabling him to…
My name is Bert Wilson and I have a message for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: put an end to all end zone celebrations. If they…
MARLBORO, N.J. — Siblings Liam and Jenna Fry were stunned last night to find that their father’s old band, A Jet Black Static, still had…
BOSTON — Local music patron Claras Deacon called the Boston Police Department last night to report an out-of-place backpack repeatedly smashing into her face and…
NEW YORK — Marshal Everly, the frontman of local folk-punk quartet The Lagers, introduced the members of his band to the audience during their set…
MENDOCINO, Calif. — Devout disciples of Jerry Garcia have begun a gradual, reluctant transition from worshipping the original Grateful Dead band leader to following his…
Judgments based on sight alone are detrimental to our society. I am personally persecuted on a daily basis all because of my extremely punchable face.…
EVANSTON, Ill. — Punk mother Danica Friedman announced she would be distributing a compilation of previously unreleased, rarely tasted Thanksgiving sides this year, family sources…
THE SUBURBS — Your mother left you a stern voicemail this morning, reminding you that if you want to participate in this week’s holiday festivities,…
Alright, I’ll admit it: I’m a huge nerd. When most people watch superhero movies like Thor: Ragnarok, they’re just settling in for some mindless fun.…