CUMBERLAND, Md. — Residents of local punk house the Couch Arsenal rotated the only ashtray on the premises yesterday to allow guests easier access, wheezy…
Everything this simple man’s ever needed in life can be found at my local Walmart. Hell, even if I were fancier I’d still get all…
LOS ANGELES — A forthcoming David Bowie tribute album is daring to ask the question: what if these universally revered songs by the iconic British…
VESTAL, N.Y. — An impromptu stop at arts and crafts supply store Michael’s last Sunday silently confirmed the relationship status of Liz Satrano and Sam…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Married best friends Lisa Johnson and Matt Kennedy have made a pact to get divorced if they are still unhappy by the…
I can admit that some members of law enforcement just so happen to be the very same individuals that make up their local white supremacist…
WOODSTOWN, N.J. — Local punk Alice Moretti thought of “the sickest” melody while shaving her armpits in the shower moments ago, only to forget it…
MUNCIE, Ind. – World-renowned, curmudgeonly orange cat Garfield has forgotten which day of the week he famously hates due to prolonged quarantine, comic strip sources…
LEMOYNE, Penn. — Roommate and all-around jackass Glen Sullivan reportedly drank the last beer in the house moments after having sex with your girlfriend of…
Whether you’re my mom’s ex-boyfriend or the guy my mom is currently sort of seeing Led Zeppelin has had an undeniable impact on your dumb…
FREDERICK, Md. — Longtime punk band Booger Eater realized yesterday that it’s been over 10 months since they occupied a stage at a local bar…
If you are reading this right now and your name is Yolanda Saldívar… FUCK. YOU. You literally MURDERED beloved singer/songwriter/spokesperson/businesswoman/ model/actress/fashion designer, Selena Quintanilla-Pérez! Not…
LOS ANGELES — Local fuckup Jerry Millwater’s 2021 New Year’s resolution of “practice more self-care” is concerned about its upcoming fight with the overwhelming force…
There’s a reason Machine Gun Kelly’s album “Tickets To My Downfall” debuted as number one on the Billboard charts. And, no, it’s not because it’s…
CALABASAS, Calif. — 73-year-old Wagnerian rock legend Michael “Meat Loaf” Aday was appalled to learn yesterday that Millennials have accepted and even embraced the act…