You gotta be fucking kidding me. This was not what I envisioned back when the 90s were in full swing. It’s 2020 now, years have…
WASHINGTON — Congressional attempts to pass a COVID-19 stimulus bill once again reached an impasse yesterday after Congressman Matt Gaetz (R-FL) introduced an amendment to…
As the apocalypse raged on, I’d begun running out of ways to entertain myself when I had the worst great idea of my life. I…
NEW YORK — Progressive post-hardcore band Ganymede’s Gates reportedly realized moments ago that the entirety of their fanbase are “uncool nerds” whom they would never…
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Regal Cinemas CFO David Ownby asked his friend and HBO Max subscriber Richard Lansing yesterday to please share his HBO Max password…
HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Local married couple Colin and Vanessa Means’ marriage was saved yesterday after an impromptu stop at Spencer’s revamped their stagnant sex life.…
2023 has been the worst year of my life, slightly beating out 2022, which surpassed 2021. Actually, now that I think about it, every year…
ARLINGTON, Texas — Local dishwasher Dale Bennett was suddenly imbued with the ability to play every Pantera riff yesterday after he was bit on the…
BALTIMORE — Local audio engineer Pat “Filth” Filtrenzo realized yesterday that his “pay by the hour” business model was deeply flawed after multiple grindcore bands…
CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local wife and generally good sport Lezlie Colon spent several hours last night convincing her husband David that his small business, Seasonal…
Through the aisles of Sam Ash, something grotesque caught my eye. An affront to every moral ever held dear. I feared I was tripping on…
LOS ANGELES — Local bearded man Alec Turner mistook a stray cat’s piss for a “really good” IPA late Monday evening, according to several unsurprised…
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Acclaimed filmmaker Christopher Nolan responded to critics this week after his production of a 60-second birthday shoutout on Cameo ran approximately $10…
MIAMI — Craft beer obsessive Aaron York was thoroughly confused yesterday by his girlfriend’s request to fill out a personality test that failed to include…
Viruses had something of a moment in 2020, didn’t they? Up until recently, serious diseaseophiles have maintained that they peaked in the ‘80s, but there…