SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Dominick Campbell exited a port-o-potty he described as a “crime scene level disaster” and gave a wild-eyed expression to the…
Hey there, new meat. First mosh pit? No? Well that’s not what it looks like to me, a mosh pit veteran. What kind of technique…
NEW YORK — Local punk Than Luethke reports that the majority of his caloric intake comes from the free wine and cheese platters offered at…
CITY OF INDUSTRY, Calif. — Mall chain store Hot Topic announced that it has grown out of its punk phase and finds its past pretty…
SAN FRANCISCO — The new Metallica Masterclass program where they teach viewers how to be a band is being called confusing and misleading by subscribers…
SEATTLE — Local punk Brock Riley admits that he yearns for days when he could spread every illness under the sun to his friends without…
MIAMI — A small group of 19th Century time travelers is reportedly very disappointed with the lack of readily available cocaine in modern times, according…
DULUTH, Minn. — Professional sound technician Greg Thornton released an exasperated and rambling statement confirming that he also doesn’t understand why his presence would be…
SEATTLE — Local amateur groupie Sarah Pepper is reportedly horrified after accidentally sleeping with the deceased body lying behind a local bar’s PA system. “I…
EUGENE, Ore. — Local punk Randy “Dirty Randy” Lopez made a surprisingly well-thought-out and articulated case for the Chrysler PT Cruiser as a counter-culture icon,…
WASHINGTON — Fox News host Tucker Carlson used the 1981 Dead Kennedys song “Nazi Punks Fuck Off” as one of the first examples of cancel…
BETHESDA, Md. — Local resident Emily Spencer suffered through yet another flavorless meal when friend Darrien Thomas announced that he could only go somewhere with…
LAS CRUCES, N.M — Several local teens mocking adult man Terry Rothstein at the Mesilla Valley Mall have inadvertently caused him to work to improve…
WALTHAM, Mass. — A recent study published by the New England Journal of Medicine found that women who date men over the age of 40…
MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Touring band Dwight Zombie made a last-minute stop in Memphis early yesterday afternoon for the sole purpose of relieving their bowels before…