WASHINGTON — The Surgeon General issued a grave warning to America’s youth today that vape pens and e-cigarettes are sadly nowhere near as cool as…
FORT WORTH, Texas — The Fort Worth Police Department held a press conference today, announcing they’ve uncovered and ended a horrific, underground doggo fighting ring…
FORT COLLINS, Colo. — Health-conscious punk Stacey “Skaggs” Bellamy will no longer drive her rusted-out cargo van to purchase illicit substances, but will instead bike…
PURCHASE, N.Y. — Self-proclaimed bass player Ezra Steinberg was finally accepted into his local DIY scene Saturday after catching the attention of basement show guests…
TORONTO — A dearly loved bong kicked off a six-person tour last night, starting in the last row of a van belonging to local punk…
HORSHAM, Pa. — Local uncle and baby boomer Don Waldemire added the incredibly popular, carbonated alcoholic beverage White Claw today to his ever-growing list of…
WASHINGTON — Steve Bannon was flabbergasted to learn yesterday that his hate-filled, racist propaganda and rhetoric, once considered the cornerstone of the alt-right scene, is…
SUMMERVILLE, S.C. — The hardcore band Gout prepared for their show tonight with their new tradition of drawing straws to determine who will drink and…
NEW YORK — The Hard Times, often considered the only reputable website on the internet, tried to get a friend in for free yesterday for…
TWIN FALLS, Idaho — Local man Raymond Kieffer set a new personal record moments ago by wearing his beret for 90 seconds in public before…
DENVER — Local retail worker Carson Patterson earned himself a luxurious, three-minute paid vacation for Labor Day by faking a shit-break, awe-inspired sources confirm. “It…
EAU CLAIRE, Wis. — Newly hired intern Rebecca Boulanger will earn time-and-a-half experience for her work on Labor Day from her temporary employer Right Now…
ODESSA, Texas — Local man Grant Hopkins informed his friend group today that he can’t make it to this mass shooting, but, statistically speaking, he…
DENVER — Local mother Amanda Howard suspects that her daughter Heather is experimenting with the drug CBD, citing the teen’s suspicious increase in productivity, energy,…
LOS ANGELES— Evan Winter, longtime frontman of hardcore band Blank Slate, kept audiences engaged in between songs with stand-up bits he has long hoped to…