WESTERVILLE, Ohio — Struggling Democratic contender Beto O’Rourke wrote several popular lyrics by alternative/metal band 311 on the palm of his hand today just before this evening’s debate, a member of Beto’s camp admitted.
“At first, I thought it might have been an Obama quote,” said the source, who requested anonymity. “But when I finally got closer, I saw it said, ‘The fish who keeps on swimming is the first to chill down stream.’ What the fuck does that even mean? So, I Googled it, and turns out it’s a 311 quote. I know Beto has kind of cultivated this ‘punk’ aesthetic, though, so I don’t know how this will play with that crowd.”
O’Rourke, who has attempted to connect with the American youth by emphasizing his early days in the punk rock scene, wanted to make sure supporters knew he isn’t a poser.
“I will neither confirm nor deny what was written on his hand — we are very well prepared for this debate, and feel like his policies will be enough. He won’t have to resort to gimmicks,” O’Rourke campaign manager Jen O’Malley-Dillon said. “But if he had done that, it was just to ensure that he did not misquote Nick Hexum’s beautiful lyricism.”
Beto’s debate preppers are anticipated some conflict with other candidates, however, and expect O’Rourke to stay on script.
“If Elizabeth Warren presses Beto on his lack of experience, he will respond, ‘Your all up in my face like fuckin’ Betty Crocker; you think you’re playin’ me but actually you’re a jocker,’” said speech writer Jordan Lucas. “It’s going to be so dope.”
However, other, more seasoned debate performers were critical of the former congressman.
“You have to come to a debate prepared. You can’t just write this stuff on your hand,” Senator Bernie Sanders said. “If he comes at me with 311, I’ll hit him right back with some Dead Kennedys. ‘Machines can do a better job than you — this is what you get for asking questions.’ And that’s just off the top of my head!”
Unfortunately for O’Rourke, the revelation comes just days after a leak that the Green Day lyrics he quotes in his stump speeches are read off of a teleprompter.