EL PASO, Texas — Baby New Year, the mythical personification of hope and change, was detained at the Mexican/American border by ICE agents late last…
As Americans, we hold the constitution sacred. However, America has changed so much since the constitution was written. Technological advancements and changing societal standards have…
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A trash can located on the corner of Church and Spring St. gained sentience late last night due to a poorly…
SAN ANTONIO — Local concertgoer Tim Flinanski is two tandem stage dives away from certification for solo dives in accordance with recently enacted safety precautions,…
WASHINGTON — Scientists researching the life expectancy of punks now claim that the first punk to live a full 65 years has likely already been…
BETHLEHEM — A local show billed as “The Most Important Event in Human History” reportedly ended as a “total fucking bust,” thanks to a confusing…
NORTH POLE — Jolly Old Saint Nicholas admitted he was slightly irritated last week when his workshop was flooded by letters imploring him to visit…
NORTH POLE — Santa Claus shocked Christmas enthusiasts worldwide today by launching a Patreon campaign to fund his 2018 world tour, setting off speculation about…
First they they came for ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside,’ and I said nothing. Then they came for ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ and I…
ONEONTA, N.Y. — Patrons at punk venue The Station report that the only functioning fixture in the entire bathroom is local coke dealer Reese Wicker,…
PALO ALTO, Calif. — Local resident Paul Weber’s latest resolution to live healthier and save the environment lasted approximately 26 minutes this morning, covering a…
MINOCQUA, Wis. — 80-year-old retiree Mary Costa unveiled the newest addition to her famed model Christmas village this week: an ornately detailed miniature punk venue,…
Dear Scabby: I am narcoleptic. It really affects any sort of productivity. A doctor once prescribed me an upper to help it. It helps a…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump boasted that post-shooting vigil candle sales have been “way up” under his administration, during a press conference held yesterday touting…
BOSTON — Local father and tire store manager Dennis Bowman said the words “Pawn Stars” into his Xfinity smart-TV remote last night, marking the first…